Thursday, June 14, 2012

Submissive Awakenings

It has been a while since I have blogged, mostly due to preparing for my annual big trade show thing for work.  It takes months of preparation and is an exhausting amount of work that leaves me needing a week or so of recovery and takes away a lot of my free time for several weeks.  I have still been going to kinky classes and a party and have had some amazing experiences since I last wrote, but I might not be able to catch up on them in full like I would like to on the blog here.  I have other new things to think and talk about now.  Maybe I can do a quick overview of some of the things I am thinking about lately.  Many of my thoughts are about Dominance and submission and what I am looking for (and not looking for) with those aspects in my life.

Another reason I am not blogging as much is that I am writing my thoughts to Hedo in a fairly intensive manner.  I had made the suggestion that I write weekly emails to him to keep him updated on my quickly evolving thoughts and new experiences.  Weekly immediately became almost daily, as I have a lot of thoughts and the need to express them. So that has been good for is like journaling, but with Hedo, he is able to respond and give me feedback or at least accumulate the knowledge of my experiences and see my progression.  The blog is a good exercise, but I don't often get feedback of any sort, so it feels more like I am dumping my thoughts instead of sharing them. Except when I write posts like this that are more indirectly thoughts for Hedo and Damascus and others to read, they are just made public. ;)

In fact, I really like the discipline of writing to him.  I have been thinking about the word "discipline" a lot.  Of course, I think of discipline in the form of punishment.  I do tend to love spankings and being scolded and punished when I am given an order and don't follow it (my brattiness feeds into this, clearly).  But the other meaning of the word discipline interests me even more.  I like the discipline of writing to Hedo frequently.  It is not so much of a task, but I do love the idea of tasks and find myself desiring more, so sometimes I think of it that way, to motivate myself to do it more fully. Hedo makes it easy because I love talking and sharing with him, so it is enjoyable, but I do it because we think it is an important element in our dynamic, and I want for that to be strong.

Lately, I have been watching a lot of porn that centers on the training of submissive/slave girls and it inspires me. I love seeing the submissive/Gorean poses and positions and find them beautiful and I imagine myself doing them. I find myself interested in following kinky orders, holding positions, enduring sexually charged activities, and reward/punishment systems.  I am watching porn about girls going through some sort of Slut Training type schooling and find that really hot... I think I have had these thoughts all along, from the early times I played with Modu and I wrote Kinky University fantasies. I have just never seen these fantasies in the flesh, and now I have found visual affirmation of some of the things I have been wanting, and more that I never even thought of.

I find myself longing to have a private, personal routine or a series of tasks to do that are sexual in nature, either physically (having to do with masturbation exercises or specific training like getting my body used to anal play or practicing squirting or doing kegel exercises) or mentally (more writing, fantasy writing, masturbation journaling or other tasks). Of course, I could do these things on my own... but the fantasy and my submissive desires makes me want to hand control of some of these sexual aspects to another... to someone who will hold me accountable and will guide me.  And maybe someone who will get off and perv on the thought of controlling this aspect of my life.

I have had some private moments of sexual submission in recent weeks. I still have a hard time writing about these private moments.  I recently had a date with Hedo where we decided to do a scene that would leave me feeling used. After an earlier scene of alternating orgasm denial and forced orgasms for me, we had the scene where he used me for his pleasure. I stripped and was ordered to my knees, and he had his way with me, using my mouth.  I had never been throat fucked quite so roughly and it was scary but it also got me very excited.  When I started to orgasm, he would slap me and not allow me to do so, and I was tied up with plastic cling to make it easier for him to use me the way he wanted (and stop me from coming myself).  At the end, he cleaned himself up, took off my plastic wrap bondage, threw a towel at me, and left me in the messes we both made. It was a challenging and amazing experience (completely consensual too) and I loved it, which is a little confusing... to love something such as that.

Something a little more challenging is my want to express my submission when not in private, either discreetly in public or more overtly in suitable settings like play parties. Clearly, the scene above is very private, and that amount of sexual contact is not something I am currently exhibitionist enough to show others.  But still, I would like to show an expression of my submission, in a safe place with people around who might understand.  My next writing will be a fantasy about a submissive scene that I would be comfortable doing in public, incorporating some of my newly realized imagery and fantasies.

For me, though, my interest in submission is only focused on very specific sexual aspects.  I am probably not a twue submissive and I don't want a twue Domly Dom who wants to control all aspects of my life.  I have a career that I worked hard for and I won't let anyone interfere with that.  I have awesome friends and family and relationships that I value and love and I wouldn't want someone to be fucking around there in terms of controlling those things.  I had that for many years, it was called "my marriage", and it was less than consensual and I won't do it again.  I am continuously struck by how ironic my interest in power exchange and BDSM is with my issues of having a controlling partner and emotional abuse in my past, so it frequently confuses me. And yet, I fantasize relentlessly about being sexually controlled, about being dominated.  I clearly want and need these things and am so happy engaging in them... it just takes me a while to figure out my own twisted logic and limits.

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