Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I am going to need to start writing again.  I have done a ton of exploration in the past few months and it appears that this part of my journey has come to an end, so I think it will be a good time to get into the habit of writing and processing all of the many things I have learned recently.  I am in a great deal of heartache right now, and still sorting through what has happened, but I am sure I will have more insight on that as I think and process. I have one immediate concern that I want to write about today, the first thing I need to address in the changes in my life... my release from orgasm control.

 For the past four months, I have been under strict orgasm control. I have taken this aspect of power exchange very seriously, even though the one who had the control would probably not have known if I cheated or was untrue, as he didn't live with me, didn't witness my orgasms, and mostly just trusted my word.  We trusted each other in this game, and I loved it. The frustration, the wanting, the guiding of fantasies, the unexpected text messages to drop what I was doing to cum, the addition of anal training and masochistic explorations, the demands for orgasms in multiple and in unexpected places, or with tasks tied to them so they were rewards... I adored all of it. I loved asking to cum, begging to cum, thanking him for the orgasms he allowed me, and pleasuring myself on his command. I absolutely loved it all, much more than I expected I would, and it became a part of my sexuality over the last few months.

The control lasted longer than I thought it would. It is an intense daily activity to engage in.  Near the end, I think it started to get routine and boring for him, it became a burden.  Nevertheless, during the last few weeks, we did some really fun tasks as part of the O control.  I had a weekend where I could cum as many times as I wanted, just not in my house, and I documented it with pics for FetLife, which seemed to be appreciated. And I did a couple of creative photos of and drawings on my body in order to cum as a reward, pictures of which were also posted to Fet. A couple of those hit the Kinky and Popular pages, which was a huge ego boost!  The picture where I had to cum for every comment or "love" had dozens and dozens of replies, which was crazy fun for sadistic friends and voyeuristic strangers alike. We had a lot of fun with this aspect of our dynamic, but it has had to come to an end.

Some very primal and intense things happen with orgasm control of that intensity and length of time.  I am sure it is different for everyone. For me, it added to my obsession, my devotion, and my connection with my Keeper, as I dedicated this very raw and sexual aspect of myself to him.  I let him into my fantasies... to be my fantasies, I showed him my deepest desires, and opened myself up to the vulnerability of my sexual core.  This is a thing that I learned I should do only with someone I deeply trust, it was incredibly intimate for me. It fed into my exploration of myself as a pleasure slave, dedicating each orgasm to him, my pleasure becoming my service to him. That is a very intense thing to give to someone, and for me, it became integral to my experience and discovery of my slave heart.  This was not about being submissive for a limited period of time, it was about serving another person, with my entire body and sexuality, giving that aspect entirely to someone else.

Unfortunately, it had to come to an end, unceremoniously.  I believe the responsible thing for someone who has been trained in this way would be to be trailed off of the O control, but that did not happen.  As much of a mind fuck as the control itself could be at times, having it abruptly end with no communication at all is very jarring and painful, a seriously cruel mind fuck.  So now I am trying to figure out, on my own, how to take my orgasms back into my own control. Honestly, I don't even want it, I am so used to having another decide for me, and loving giving up that control.  But I have to put myself on a path of a normal life again, as I am forced to let go of the slave role I had been building with him.

My first solo orgasm was done out of spite.  I was still holding on to hope that things might work out, but I was hurting and starting to understand that they wouldn't.  I hadn't received contact for a couple of days, and felt abandoned, so I chose to masturbate, against the Rules and structure that was crumbling around me.  I felt a little guilty afterwards, but I was also angry at the situation.  As I began to understand the situation, that things were ending, and that this aspect was going to simply cease on his part, I started to take matters into my own hands. I am now working on controlling my orgasms on my own, forcing myself to cum once or twice a day, reclaiming my fantasies, trying to find delight in self pleasure on my own terms. As I am released from my role and relationship with him, I am struggling in finding my own sexual release again. But I am relearning what that means to me, so that maybe one day I will be able to serve someone else with it. If there is a next time, I will be more careful to who I give my trust to, because I am now more aware of how much I need to trust to share with someone who really deserves me and my slave heart and body.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Change and Acceptance

It has been a long time since I have written and there have been a lot of changes in my life, so I should probably be journaling more regularly.  I am at the point where I have SO much going on in my head about these changes, I don't know where to even start writing. While I have been talking about my thoughts to a variety of people, it still helps quite a bit to actually write things down to help get my head together.  Lately, I have also been making art that is related to my journey, which I am enjoying very much.  It is good to be bringing my life and my art together and expressing my thoughts that way for a change.

So the first major thing that is going on right now has to do with my living situation and thinking about what I want in a primary relationship. I am living in the house I bought with my ex-husband.  It became mine in the divorce and I still have a lot of bitterness and resentment wrapped up in these walls.  It is especially challenging because the economy has the house very far underwater so I tend to feel trapped here, because selling is not likely.  I know it is a decent house and I have worked really hard in the past few years to improve and make it more my own, but that is hard to do after living with someone for a decade.  I have had help from my family and friends and Damascus in reclaiming this place to be my own.  But I still struggle with it daily. I can go along for a while, working and living here happily, but then I am reminded that I am stuck here and it makes me unhappy and I sometimes panic.

In the past few months, Damascus has been spending more time here and we talked about him moving in.  I was hesitant but we thought we would give it a try.  I hate to admit it, but his moving in stirred up a lot of emotional shit for me.  I am still in the process of really reclaiming this place, and have never really had time entirely to myself here, as just a few months after my ex moved out, my brother moved in, and then as he was moving out (which was a slow process), Damascus was partially moving in.  Having him here with me almost all the time has made it clear that I really need to have lots of time and space on my own and am not ready to live with a romantic partner. I have frustrations of simply selfishly not wanting to share my space and stuff, and then feeling guilty about not being more giving and domestic. Not only do I feel the ghosts and triggers of my past, but I have been forced to really look at my life and figure out what I really want (as well as Damascus's needs) in a relationship.

I think I have been trying, for decades really, to fit myself into this box of what a good "normal" girlfriend or wife should be. I am child free by choice and while I have kept an open mind all of these years to all the people who tell me that one day I will want kids... I never have.  And I feel some guilt about that... I feel selfish.  I truly don't want to be a mother, and if I did, I found out last year that my body is not able to have a baby without surgery and recovery, so that really sealed that potential decision for me.  I also don't want to be a wife again.  In retrospect, I really didn't want to be married the first time around, but I gave in to the pressure of my both my ex and society.  It is hard for me to admit that I don't want these things that all little girls seem to dream of. But I don't want to be a traditional wife or mother, and I really need to start understanding this and stop hating myself for being who I am. I want so badly to fit in the "normal" box, but I don't, and that should be ok with me.  Others seem to accept it and even overjoy in being not normal, I wish I could.

I know Damascus wants to have a wife and kids someday.  He will be a great husband and father.  He is a good boyfriend and a good roommate, even.  It is so hard to ask him to move out when he is doing everything right... it's just not right for me.  We are still going to be together, but we both need to seek out what we need in our lives that we can't get from one another.  I need independence in my living space and to explore the kinds of non-traditional relationships that I can thrive in.  And I think he needs to think about his future and finding the kind of partner who is can fulfill his dreams. Our relationship is bound to change, as he moves out, but I hope that we can continue to grow together while we seek the other things we need.  I love him very much and this is not easy, but clearly, the things that I need and want are not easy or simple or normal.  And I am trying to accept that about myself.