Monday, September 17, 2012

Rules Please

It is yet another paradox of power exchange for me that I feel a sense of freedom when presented with structure, protocol, and rules. I think it is because while I have become a lot more intuitive and understanding of the expectations in my friendships, romantic relationships, poly and even some kinky relationships... I am thrown off by the expectations in this growing power exchange dynamic. Part of that is by design, especially as we poke around in M/s territory. Part of the dynamic is about me giving up control and not negotiating the details in advance, so I am left in either a state of waiting for orders or understanding what is expected of me and just doing. But because we are in the early stages, not all the rules and expectations are clear yet. In fact, most of them are not. They are being made up as we go. I don't seek rules to know what is planning to be done to me, really.  It's not about negotiating a scene or knowing what is going to happen.  I think it is about wanting to know my place, wanting to be sure I am being of service. wanting to know that I am meeting expectations. I think it is less about what is happening to me and more about what I am doing for them.

I have found that it is my tendency is to hold back, partially from my insecurity about these expectations. I have been burned by pushing too hard and misinterpreting the level of power exchange with others so I have learned to step back and be sure of what is happening instead of leaping in and letting it take control of me like I really want to do. I have made mistakes and overestimated the intent of others, and that's embarrassing and painful to feel like the foolish subby girl who gets all dreamy over misinterpretations. I have wanted to submit so badly in the past that it has blinded me into seeing a dynamic that wasn't really there and was not capable of sustaining my needs. And even now, I hold back a little, despite clear evidence of a potential dynamic, burdened by the fear of repeating my previous mistakes.

But it has become clear that this is definitely a thing that we are moving towards. After all of my worry about recognizing if this IS real or not, now I wonder if I can live up to the dream, if I can play the game. I have tasted enough to think I can do it, but a dark part of me doesn't know if I have what it takes. And my instincts are all messed up so I want to prove myself, but am too afraid to do things that might break rules or expectations, which isn't fair because I don't know exactly what those are entirely. My path has brought me into unfamiliar territory and while I am eager to learn more about slavehood and higher protocols and structure, it is very new and unknown, so I am struggling to keep up and understand.

So the three of us talked and they decided that I do need some rules and structure, and I was excited and terrified to hear that they are actually writing some for me. It is a relief in many ways, as I think it will give me that freedom to express myself and my submission better if I have some boundaries to know when I am being appropriate. I hope that some rules will give me clear commands and expectations, which could make me become very obedient and submissive or which could lead to brattiness, testing, and punishment.  More clarity will help me express myself, I hope, in the forms my submission and slave tendencies might take. 

I have some fear that I will not be able to meet their needs and demands, even in this early stage of development. What if I am not strong enough, what if I cant agree to what they seek, what if I am not kinky or masochistic enough? I worry that I am not... enough. Always with so many questions and worries and self doubt. But I wait patiently and try not to worry too much this time.  Despite the questioning, I am feeling surprisingly calm and content, and I know we have communicated well, even through some tough times, and we seem to be able to adapt to one another's needs and wants, so I try to keep that in mind and it eases the chatter in my brain, restoring it with some confidence that the fun and excitement has exceeded any of the uncertainty and pain. It will be good to know more of what they expect of me, and it will be good to discover if I can provide it to them.

Monday, September 10, 2012


So, I slept in a cage over the weekend!

I spent a few days at a beautiful cottage on the lake with some of my kinky family. It was a nice place, roomy, with lots of places to sleep. There was a bed big enough for Damascus and I. But they also set up the cage for me to sleep in. They made it all comfy, with a padded bottom and a comforter, and it was rather roomy for me to crawl into and curl up in comfortably.  We have been toying around with cage fantasies for months now, but here it was, set up in the room for me.  I felt like it was my choice if I wanted to sleep in it or not.  But I also felt like it was a bit of a test.  Was I really committed to sleeping in a cage for the whole night, or would I chicken out and choose the more comfortable option of the full bed? I wanted very much to sleep in the cage though, for reasons I didn't really understand, so I did spend the majority of two nights sleeping in it.  I have returned home and slept in my own bed for a night, so now I am processing the cage experience and what it means to me.

I have determined some things that it is not about.  It's not about any kind of animal play.  I don't go into puppy or kitty mode, want to have a tail or ears, or adopt some animal pet type persona.  I felt a little like a hamster, but it's just that being all bunched up in the blankets, burrowing myself a comfy little spot, reminded me of the Russian Dwarf hamsters I had many years ago and how they behaved.  I brought a water bottle, some tissues, and a few other creature comforts into the cage with me, which reminded me of how my hamsters would stash seeds and food in the corner of their cages. Those were just fond memories, though... I do not feel like a kinky hamster or other creature at all.  I can relate some of my feelings of being caged to animals, as reference, but it's not about animal play.

I also didn't feel like it was a punishment or imprisonment. I wasn't being excluded from anything.  I wasn't in "trouble".  While I don't think I would mind being put in a cage as a form of punishment, this isn't how it felt.  I fantasize about that sometimes, too. I like the idea of being bratty or overly aroused and being confined to my cage, not allowed to play or please myself, controlled and restricted to a confined space. But that didn't seem to be what the cage was about this weekend, not for me, and not for them either, I don't think.

When I was in the cage, I felt protected and safe.  I felt like it was a special place that I could be kept.  And that seems appropriate, as we have been using the word Keeper to describe his role of dominance. The cage was placed on the floor at his feet where they slept in the bed.  I felt comfortable, yet I felt controlled.  It reminded me of the place I like to be with them, on the floor, on my knees, near their feet. The cage was not locked by anyone, but as I went in, I closed the latch myself, and that made me feel secure and content. If we can go back to he caged animal idea, I think it made me feel more like an exotic bird or pet, like some kind of precious, colorful, wild creature who needs a cage for safety and protection in order to be kept.  I also felt like I could be a beautiful specimen, put on display and kept comfortable and content until it was time to perform or be shown off at their whim. And if we bring it back to humanity, thinking about being a odalisque or pleasure slave, I felt like I could be an exquisite human pet, an item of prestige, one who is kept for another's pleasure.  It is sort of an objectifying feeling, but being an "object" that brings pleasure to others is very appealing to me. 

The first night, I had a hard time falling asleep.  I struggled to be comfortable enough to sleep, which would have likely happened in a strange place in a room full of people anyway.  The metal of the cage made it a little cold near my skin.  I liked feeling the metal against me, but the temperature was just too chilly for me.  After a while of struggling, I finally got up to pee, as my bladder was bothering me too, and I pulled a comforter into the cage with me.  That put me right to sleep for the second half of the night.  I woke up when she got up and out of bed, then dozed off a while longer, and then woke up again a little before he did. I heard him moving and getting out of bed and I started making little noises against the bars of the cage to remind him where I was.  The smallest movements, touching the metal with my hands and feet, made little clinky metallic sounds that got his attention.  He seemed happy and smiled when he got out of bed, naked, and came to the cage to see me curled up inside.  He left to join the others for a while and then I asked Damascus to ask him to let me out after I dozed off again for a while.  While I didn't get put into or locked into the cage (we decided I should snuggle Damascus to sleep so he wasn't lonely and left out before I caged myself) I definitely didn't want to uncage myself in the morning.  It seemed like a nice morning ritual, to ask for permission to leave the cage.

The second night, I took longer to get into the cage.  I had a migraine before bed and wanted it to clear before getting in the cage. I drank a lot of water to rehydrate and knew I would have to pee several times. I wanted to give Damascus extra snuggles too.  So I laid in the bed with him for quite some time until I felt him fall asleep. But before I fell asleep too hard in the bed, I caged myself up again and then I slept well.  Very late in the night/early morning I heard the two of them moving around on the bed and it stirred my fantasies and thoughts.  I got very aroused and couldn't sleep for quite some time, my brain active in thought and questions and imagery.  I wanted to masturbate, but I would have had to ask him permission.  I delighted for a while in that thought. I wanted to orgasm, I was "locked" away in a cage in the same room where the two people who I am allowed to orgasm with, either by relationship or by permission.  It was a torturous delight to think about that.  I finally fell asleep and had even more erotic dreams.

When he woke up out of bed the second morning, I rose to my knees as he came to the side of the cage to wish me a good morning.  He put his fingers between the bars and I licked and sucked on them as he stood naked above me.  I asked him if I could have an orgasm and he said "yes you may", so I laid back down in the cage, spreading my legs for him as he sat on the side of the bed, watching me very eagerly finger myself to orgasm, finally relieving the sexual tension that had built up all night.  He looked pleased as I moaned and writhed, naked, clutching at the bars of the cage while I watched him watch me.  I did a few things especially for him while I had his undivided attention, because I know he likes it: I slid my fingers inside a few times and licked my fingers clean after I came.  When I was finished, he opened he cage door for me, pet my head and called me a good girl, and sent me up to the bed to snuggle with Damascus, who was still sort of sleeping.

While I had been fantasizing about cages on my own for a while and with him for a few months, I wasn't sure how I would like it in reality.  It effected me quite strongly and am pleased to find that my instincts about liking being caged were correct.  I liked it even more than I thought and I hope to incorporate being caged into even more of my fantasies now.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

A Year's Time

Today is the one year anniversary of my blog! I have been scrolling back through the posts and pages and the changes I have been through in this year are really amazing.  I started the blog around the same time I signed up for FetLife.  I had a handful of friends there and so many questions.  A year ago I was ready to start to explore but I was absolutely terrified about it. I have worked through issues of shame and guilt and fear, not that those feelings don't come back (more often than I would like), but I like to think I am learning to navigate them better.

In the last year, Damascus and I have opened up our relationship. We have opened up our minds and hearts to some wonderful people. We have made dozens of new friends and have shared intimate details together. We have shared our bodies with a few of them, both together and on our own. I have fallen in and out of love and learned about the range of emotion and relationships that I am capable of having.  I have ended relationships and have have been broken up with.  I have learned to introspect and try to make sense of the jumble in my head and heart and to do my best to communicate it. I have challenged my sexuality, thought about it in relationship to men and women, and focused on what really gets me off. I have pushed myself to learn about pain and sensation and what it means to my sexual self.  And through those experiences, I have learned that it is an exchange of power that I have been seeking.

In the last year I went from being very modest with my body and clothing to feeling comfortable walking around in front of people in stages of undress.  I have been naked in a room full of people. I have been beyond naked: undressed and submissive in front of others, which is even more vulnerable than nude in a crowded room. I went from being too shy to have pictures taken and showing images of myself to regularly posting and sending erotic and exposing pictures to others. I went from being terrified of going to a play party for the first time to regularly attending and playing at such events, and we have hosted several of our own. I went from feeling completely alone in this lifestyle, afraid to speak up and reveal myself, to having a hundred and a half new friends on FetLife.
I still have lots of questions, but they are new. So many things have become clearer to me in the last year.  I know that writing and blogging has helped.  I think I may start sharing more of my writings on FetLife.  My blog site seems very public, in some ways, because it is out in the open on the web.  But it is a bit of a well kept secret that I think only a few people who are close to me read.  Posting to Fet, with all my new friends potentially reading, is much more vulnerable, because it is not just the world wide web, it's the people in my community that I am exposing myself to. I am ready to start living this journey out loud, sharing it more, and talking with more people about it, receiving questions and getting help with finding the answers to the questions I have. It's time.