It is yet another paradox of power exchange for me that I feel a sense of freedom when presented with structure, protocol, and rules. I think it is because while I have become a lot more intuitive and understanding of the expectations in my friendships, romantic relationships, poly and even some kinky relationships... I am thrown off by the expectations in this growing power exchange dynamic. Part of that is by design, especially as we poke around in M/s territory. Part of the dynamic is about me giving up control and not negotiating the details in advance, so I am left in either a state of waiting for orders or understanding what is expected of me and just doing. But because we are in the early stages, not all the rules and expectations are clear yet. In fact, most of them are not. They are being made up as we go. I don't seek rules to know what is planning to be done to me, really. It's not about negotiating a scene or knowing what is going to happen. I think it is about wanting to know my place, wanting to be sure I am being of service. wanting to know that I am meeting expectations. I think it is less about what is happening to me and more about what I am doing for them.
I have found that it is my tendency is to hold back, partially from my insecurity about these expectations. I have been burned by pushing too hard and misinterpreting the level of power exchange with others so I have learned to step back and be sure of what is happening instead of leaping in and letting it take control of me like I really want to do. I have made mistakes and overestimated the intent of others, and that's embarrassing and painful to feel like the foolish subby girl who gets all dreamy over misinterpretations. I have wanted to submit so badly in the past that it has blinded me into seeing a dynamic that wasn't really there and was not capable of sustaining my needs. And even now, I hold back a little, despite clear evidence of a potential dynamic, burdened by the fear of repeating my previous mistakes.
But it has become clear that this is definitely a thing that we are moving towards. After all of my worry about recognizing if this IS real or not, now I wonder if I can live up to the dream, if I can play the game. I have tasted enough to think I can do it, but a dark part of me doesn't know if I have what it takes. And my instincts are all messed up so I want to prove myself, but am too afraid to do things that might break rules or expectations, which isn't fair because I don't know exactly what those are entirely. My path has brought me into unfamiliar territory and while I am eager to learn more about slavehood and higher protocols and structure, it is very new and unknown, so I am struggling to keep up and understand.
So the three of us talked and they decided that I do need some rules and structure, and I was excited and terrified to hear that they are actually writing some for me. It is a relief in many ways, as I think it will give me that freedom to express myself and my submission better if I have some boundaries to know when I am being appropriate. I hope that some rules will give me clear commands and expectations, which could make me become very obedient and submissive or which could lead to brattiness, testing, and punishment. More clarity will help me express myself, I hope, in the forms my submission and slave tendencies might take.
I have some fear that I will not be able to meet their needs and demands, even in this early stage of development. What if I am not strong enough, what if I cant agree to what they seek, what if I am not kinky or masochistic enough? I worry that I am not... enough. Always with so many questions and worries and self doubt. But I wait patiently and try not to worry too much this time. Despite the questioning, I am feeling surprisingly calm and content, and I know we have communicated well, even through some tough times, and we seem to be able to adapt to one another's needs and wants, so I try to keep that in mind and it eases the chatter in my brain, restoring it with some confidence that the fun and excitement has exceeded any of the uncertainty and pain. It will be good to know more of what they expect of me, and it will be good to discover if I can provide it to them.