Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Clitoral Love

So, I have a complicated relationship with my clitoris.

It amazes me that the tiny little cubic inch of flesh and nerves between my legs can cause me so much pleasure and pain. Almost all of my sexual energy comes from my clit.  The throbbing, the pulsing, the desire, and the orgasms can feel so big they fill the whole room... all from just a touch to that pretty pink spot...sometimes it just takes the idea or threat of touch to do it. And when I am feeling lustful without the ability to release, the fire from my clit makes me crabby, angry, frustrated, and pained.  I feel full body pain from the wanting, radiating from my clit to my belly to my breasts to my shoulders and knees.  It is an ache that can only be calmed from some direct attention from the touch of another, to that tiny little nub of flesh, as it is barely satisfied by my own hand anymore. It seems so simple and easy, but it is the hardest thing in the world for me to ask for.

 I hate dwelling on the awful sexual issues I had with my ex-husband, because I am clearly moving on, but this is one issue that has been a very difficult source of shame and pain and it is one of the hardest things for me to move on from.  Obviously he was undereducated on the finer points of female sexual anatomy.  He had an aversion to my clit that I could never understand. I tried any way I could to discuss my needs for clitoral stimulation with him... talking, guiding, praising, reading to him, crying, begging, yelling... nothing would get through to him.  I think he had the frat boy mentality that Sex equals Penis into Vagina and that was good enough for him and it should be good enough for me, too.  But it wasn't enough and has never been enough. PIV sex is awesome and I love it, but I need more... I need some clit love to feel sexually satisfied, and I crave it more than anything else.  I think he may have even seen it as a deviant fetish, like I was asking him to indulge something more unusual like a foot fetish or water sports, which he would have clearly thought was disgusting.  So I asked and asked and was rejected and rejected. Eventually I decided sex just wasn't important in our relationship and I was going to be ok with that and then I went on birth control pills for about five years that effectively killed my clit, so that made my life much easier, as sad as that is.  When I went off that pill, the nagging and throbbing desire came back, and I was unsatisfied again, so I was miserable and thought about going back on the pill to kill it again. I resisted and we soon after split up, for a variety of reasons, but incompatibility with sex was a major one.  He is long gone, but the shame of that rejection to my precious clitoris still haunts and effects me.

This is all so difficult to write and think about and I realize that it is absolutely ridiculous. I have been working very hard to challenge my sexual self lately, so I guess that is why I am sitting here, babbling on about my clit. I guess most people have some kind of sexual hangup and this is mine, but it feel so irrational. I hate that I recently finally broke down and talked to Damascus about this and it turned into tearful conversations with me stumbling over my words, probably making him feel confused. Damn, I hate when I do that. I have found myself mostly silent about my clitoral needs to him, which is also ridiculous, because he is always eager to please me. And while he is wonderful about picking up on my body language and knows the ways I like to be touched, I have wanted more, and can't ask. I just get stuck in that old brain of having the love of my life reject my most basic desire, so I shut down and stay blocked, too afraid of rejection. I have mixed feelings about the fact that it took having a new lover to challenge me before I could really open up about this, but perhaps that is exactly what is so very wonderful and uplifting about having a variety of lovers.  Having talked about it, and now blogged about it, and having it out in the open, I hope will help me in the future.

I think that all these years of longing and fantasizing have caused me to create a fetishistic view of my clit now.  I am beyond needing a little rubbing every now and then.  I want it to be adored, loved, and worshiped even.  I want it to be explored with focused curiosity and I want to allow it to experience a variety of experiments.  Maybe try clamps, clothespins, ice, heat, vibrations, tickles, light touches and licks.  Yes... licks, lots and lots of those, because I crave cunnilingus so very much, and spent decades desiring it with no satisfaction in reality.  I want to be teased and to beg for contact with it, I want to learn to build my orgasms instead of coming at the first thought of contact, and I want to be spread open and eagerly enjoyed, having those room filling orgasms that I know I am capable of.  Someday, I want to feel that I can love my clit and have it loved in return.

Peeking into Kink

Damascus and I have been meeting lots of kinky people lately, going to munches and discussion groups and events that are geared with kinksters in mind.  None of these events have actually featured any real kinky activity, just conversation and friendly chatting.  We went to a munch, a sale of BDSM equipment, a discussion group, and a geeky movie marathon night at a BDSM dungeon themed Bed and Breakfast.  We have met many friendly people, all seemingly comfortable and willing to talk about their kinks and interests (except for the newbies, like ourselves, which often look shy and more reserved, hanging back to listen).  Going to these things is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, and while I get nervous every time, I am starting to meet people I like and it is becoming more comfortable with each event.  I am learning so much about myself as I learn about others.  Mostly I learn things that I am not interested in doing or experiencing in the BDSM world and taking note of why.  I still can't really articulately verbalize the interests I *do* have (which I would like to make an effort to attempt soon) but using process of elimination to rule things out (for now at least) seems like a good starting point.  I have also learned to keep an open mind and not rule things out entirely, because tastes and interests seem to change and expand as one has new experiences.

So many of the people we have met are very hardcore about their kinks.  People living 24/7 as doms and subs, very extreme pain and activities. It feels a little voyeuristic and is also somewhat intimidating.  But I try to remember that these are the folks who are most experienced and they seem to have a confidence in what they do, and thus are likely the most outspoken.  I feel like some of the things I like: a little spanking, interest in light bondage, and a little dirty talk are terribly vanilla in comparison.  It makes me wonder what it means to be kinky. I try not to dwell on it too much, though. I am learning , thinking, and exploring this side of me so much, and I am fine with going slowly and thoughtfully.  And I try not to feel too intimidated, because it seems silly to feel like an outsider in a group of outsiders. The important thing is that I feel like my sexual wants are a little out of the ordinary in a variety of ways and I feel a kinship with other kinky people.  Also, being in a room that has chains hanging from the ceiling and a wall hung full of floggers and paddles makes me all sorts of squirmy, even if I don't know what I want to do with those things yet.

I am hoping, weather permitting, to attend another kinky munch tomorrow in a farther away place (but one where I may know even more people already).  And Friday, if a space opens up (fingers crossed) Damascus and I may be attending our first play party, at the Bed & Breakfast.  I really hope a space opens up for us and the owner lets us in. This would be our first time in a kinky environment where there is some actual play going on, which is both terrifying and exquisitely exciting to me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Coming Out

I have kept many of the things I write about here on the blog pretty private to the world around me. When I started my journey of self discovery around the time of my divorce, I talked about some of my interests and tendencies to my friends at the time.  I learned that things like polyamory, open relationships, bisexuality, and kink can make people uncomfortable.  I lost a couple of friends that had been friends for a long time, which was painful, particularly at a painful time in my life like during my divorce.  Of course, looking back, I can see that these were not real friends, if they couldn't handle the reality of my life.  My friends now take me as I am and are authentic and challenge me.

I sell my ceramic wares every Saturday and Sunday at a local artisan market.  I spend every Saturday and Sunday from 11-7 in that space, making sales, working on craft projects, and people watching. While some of the other vendors are temporary or semi- regular, there are some vendors I see every weekend, and they have become my weekend family.  While my regular groups of friends are out enjoying their weekend and are out of touch, I share my weekends with these amazing artisans and entrepreneurs.  After about 6 months of knowing some of them, I have started to form some pretty good friendships.  But still, I have kept many of these subjects pretty private to these new friends.  Until recently.

My last two dates with Juesance have been on Saturday nights, after the market.  With my friends being off on their weekend adventures, and me sitting at the market all day feeling increasingly excited on Saturdays and blissfully happy on Sundays, I was starting to find the need to talk about it to the people around me.  It was scary to start to have those conversations, as I feared the reactions and judgements. I tend to seem quiet and shy and it seems that even people who have known me for a few months become very surprised that I am working on an open relationship and seeing a few people, that I am into BDSM, and that I am bisexual.  I guess I hide pretty well under my "good girl" guise.

I have not encountered judgement, I am pleased to say. They look at me a little wide eyed at first, but once the idea sinks in, my vendor friends are excited and curious about my life!  At first, when I say I have a date that night, almost everyone asks if I am cheating, in this whispery voice like they are getting some good gossip from me. They are relieved though, and a little confused, when I say that no, I am very opposed to cheating and I am all about transparency in my relationships. They are surprised that my partners have met, and can even hang out together without problems. They ask questions, and I encourage them to do so.  Questions about logistics, jealousy, how it all works. Since I am still figuring it all out myself, it helps me to explain things and put these ideas into words.  Most of them say they admire my honesty and efforts. Many say they could never have such a relationship themselves because of their own jealousy issues, or that they can't get the hang of communicating in one relationship, let alone multiple.  At least one friend has told me that she would love to do the same thing, as she is married and is cheating with someone else, albeit on the "down low", and would love to live more honestly.  

I am so glad it has been a positive experience to "come out" about this stuff this time around.  And it is a very interesting social experiment for me too.  I have learned so much by explaining it to others.

Core of the Fire

So there has been a lot of thinking and talking and growing and fucking going on here lately!  I don't really have a solid blog post theme today but I feel the need to take a moment and record some of my feelings here, so I am going to sit here and work and write a little bit at a time, trying to capture one or two of the thoughts that are spinning through my head.  I was talking with Prisma last night and I said that this whole polyamory business seems so complicated at times, but so damn simple at other times. Simple, I guess, meaning that it feels so right and sure to me, when all of the other extraneous, unwanted emotions are burning away and I am staring right into the core of the fire.  She reminded me that it is helpful to talk (and write) about it to work through things, and I agree.  There has been so much talking lately, with Damascus, with friends old and new, and lovers past and present, and writing my thoughts down here is helpful too.

The spark between Juesance and I turned quite fevered and we connected in very exciting and hot ways the other night!  It was rather intense and satisfying, and now that the initial fever has been quenched, I am left with a clearer mind and heart.  In my quest to be with him, I was a bit insensitive in speaking with Damascus, which had me feeling upset with myself.  It wasn't a major rift, more of a question of my tone and not being as thoughtful as I should have been, and I apologized and I feel forgiven.  In a way, I am glad it happened, because now I know how it feels to fuck up a little bit, and we have weathered it just fine.  He really seems to be genuinely happy for me and the happiness that I am finding, and that is so important to me.  As I am starting to feel more settled and less confused in my relationships, I am starting to think towards helping to support him in finding a girl to be flirty or sexy or have a relationship with, either alone or with me, which he seems interested in perusing.  

It can be so very challenging to spend so much time thinking about relationships (especially when there are multiple relationships that intersect) and really concentrating on what it is that I want in this life. It is far easier to find something comfortable and cling to it and coast through blindly in that comfort.  But I did that for a long time, and it wasn't enough.  I was so unfulfilled and spent so much time longing and fantasizing about having experiences and sharing love and pleasure with others, and I have a lot of difficulty now thinking about being in that same place of constricting monogamy.  I do like having a partner in a primary role, someone with whom I can share my daily life and dreams. I am not so much afraid of commitment; I fear stagnancy and feeling trapped.  I enjoy having the security and consistency of a primary partner, plus the opportunity to explore the other things that I crave, whether it is a feeling of infatuation, a sexual desire, the touch of another woman, or exploring fantasies of a more kinky nature that my partner might not share.

Through all of this soul searching, Damascus and I found there was some stagnancy in our lives together, which we are now examining.  These are things unrelated to the polyamory issue, things like finances, domestic chores and daily living issues, personal space and privacy, and dreams and goals.  I fear that we let some of these things slide and go unnoticed, perhaps partially in the distraction of the poly issues, but now we are paying attention to them, and I am confident we can resolve a lot of these questions we have.  We tend to work well together and want to tend to each others needs, so I feel good about working together to make sure our relationship is as strong as it can be.  Of course, this means more thinking and attention from me. I am terrible about voicing my needs and establishing and enforcing my boundaries, so that's another challenging thing I will need to work on.

That's the state of the Anagama today.  I am not feeling the guilt that often plagues me. I am eagerly challenged, consciously aware, ethically satisfied, content yet questioning, and happy!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Sofa

Recently, in one of many recent conversations with Damascus about setting rules and defining comfort levels regarding our newly opening relationship, we came to an agreement about the bedroom.  We decided to keep the bedroom as a sacred sexual space between the two of us, not sharing the bed with others.  Unless, we were both sharing it with someone together, that is.  I think this is a good arrangement that gives us our own special safe space, and I was pleased we negotiated this detail together easily and early.

Last night, Damascus and I sat together on the sofa, and he read my last post for the first time while I was at his side.  I was terrified that he would be upset or hurt by reading about the intimate things I did with someone else on that same sofa, just a couple of days before. I sat there, bracing myself, MY heart racing in fear in anticipation of his reaction.  But he didn't get upset.  He smiled softly and held me in his arms and said it was ok. And that made me very happy.

He has mentioned feeling a little bit of envy lately, of my time and attention that I am expending with others, which is understandable considering the amount of New Relationship Energy that I have been experiencing.  I am working on ways to make the NRE flow over into our relationship and we set up a special date night that will be good for us, too.  He also mentioned missing the snogging sessions that we used to do early in our relationship, which I am more than happy to invite back into our lives.

In fact, after reading the blog and talking about it while on the sofa, last night, we started in on some of that return to snogging.  And beyond!  Perhaps I read a little too much into it, but I had the distinct impression that even though we made the sofa an accepted open sexytime space, he was going to make sure that we properly christened it in its new role properly ourselves.  While we have certainly fooled around and had sex on the sofa in the past, I don't think we have ever fucked quite so hot and hard there before!  Again, maybe it was all in my own twisted mind, but I felt a welcome combination of healthy competition and caring dominance...I knew that my pussy was owned by him on that sofa in that moment, and that is a memory that is not going to fade anytime soon.

Of course, the sofa is an old rickety futon and is not very comfortable, and I have been wanting to save up the money to buy a new one for a few years now.  I feel like I have new incentive.  I would really love a large, sprawling sectional sofa, to share snuggly time with my sweetheart and where we can spend comfy times with our friends and friends-with-benefits.  And I must admit, I would like the opportunity to properly break in another piece of furniture with Damascus. :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Heart Beat

I am enjoying learning and understanding the multitudes of things that can make me orgasm lately.  And I am finding myself more and more intrigued with the orgasms that are more unusual, like ones brought on by being touched in unlikely places, or by sounds or sights, or just my own naughty overactive brain.

I reclined on the couch, as he laid on top of me, in a delicious evening of snuggling and kissing. We were fully dressed below the waist and my legs wrapped around his chest as he lifted my shirt a bit and kissed the ticklish spot on my belly. I think my giggles excited him and in the quiet moment that passed between us, I felt the very subtle thump of his heart start to race.  I closed my eyes and realized that his heart was beating directly on my clit, and that I felt it through about three layers of clothing. The very thought of our two organs lining up and beating together sent me into a writhing series of trembling orgasms, rolling one after another, before I even realized what I was experiencing.

That divine place where minds, hearts, and bodies meet is a place of ultimate ecstasy for me.

Letting In and Letting Go

Ok, these thoughts are fleeting fast, so I want to get them down in words.  I have vaguely alluded to someone new in my life recently.  Meeting Juesance has been a bit of a whilrwind in some ways, but I am feeling quite clear and grounded in my feelings of connection with him. I have been thinking about how immediate and focused my feelings can be for people sometimes, just upon initial meeting. In the last three years, I have had these experiences of immediate attraction and bonding with both friends and lovers including Damascus and Modu as well as with my best buddy. I have been thinking that my instincts for letting people into my life are very strong and distinct, and I should trust them.

And then, of course, I second guess that thought.  Because I second guess most everything lately.  And not without reason... I am terrified of repeating the same mistake I made in my marriage, of course. Even though I know that it was not one mistake, but a series of many mistakes.  And you know, Intaglio and I had that same immediate and intense connection when we first met.  But it was not always bad, there were many years of good, mostly those early years.  So perhaps I can return to my theory that I have good instincts of letting people into my life.

I think the real issue, one that I need to keep in my awareness, is not the issue of trusting my self to let people in... it is my failures of letting people go.  Clearly, I held on to a terrible marriage for many years longer than I should have.  I couldn't let go, even when it was in my best interest. After much turmoil,  I eventually did let it go, and perhaps that decision will save me from future heartbreak.  A couple of years ago, I had to let go of another relationship, when I was with Dante, as things had become destructive.  That was complex and painful and in a way, not my decision, but I did let go and felt stronger in doing so.  And it turns out that just needed to be a temporary letting go of him, as I have been able to let him back in recently in a new place of friendship, and I feel safe in doing so now.  I think I am being more mindful of discovering my boundaries and defining the things I want and need in relationships and having the strength to express those things. I think I am also now becoming more willing to either adapt or consider ending relationships that have the potential to become destructive.

Not that I am considering letting go of anyone right now! I want to be clear about that! :) This is just the course that my brain is going through, questioning my judgement in starting these intense relationships that I seem to be drawn into.  Perhaps the thoughts about deciding to have to let go are also brought on because of the decision to put my doggie to sleep last week.  That is the ultimate letting go of someone, isn't it?  But again, it became very clear that to continue on would be destructive for not only my poor puppy, but to my own heart.  And I feel sad, but confident and ultimately good about that decision.

It amazes me how the universe works.  I am not one to believe in fate or destiny or the will of some god, but sometimes it is just a very strange and mysterious thing the way we all swirl around together, sometimes reaching out to one another or colliding together or letting each other go back into the swirl of chaos that is life...