Thursday, June 28, 2012

More-gasms, Nitrile Gloves, and the Book of Brats

At one of the parties last week, my scene with Mr Toy wrestling and ripping all of my clothes off was very hot, and I had many orgasms.  They were the kind of orgasms that I get when very mentally aroused.  Full body, convulsing, rumbling sorts of waves of pleasure. There was little-to-no genital touching, though, so while those orgasms were pleasurable, playing with him also inspired a deep desire for other kinds of orgasms, which might not have been appropriate for our playtime, for various reasons.  By the time we were done I had gotten all wet and worked up and I wanted very badly to have a clitoral orgasm and I could even feel the need for an internal orgasm (which is more rare of a desire for me).  Playing with Mr Toy caused my cravings for pain and impact and manhandling to be fulfilled, too, but while we played, he started to trigger some of my submissive desires, so I was left feeling pretty horny and submissive. And as the party started to die down, I found myself in the presence of Modulator, who, being the playmate who has known me very well for the longest time, seemed to sense my desires and needs right away.

By this point, I was all sorts of horny and subby feeling. I started to get close to him fought with my feelings a bit. I didn't want to get anymore worked up without release, so being near him felt a little dangerous, as he is very prone to working me up. But I was drawn to him, as I always am, and he often pulls me in and fucks with me a little bit, giving me a growl or "the look" or a hair pull, and then sends me away.  I was so aroused, I didn't want to be sent away. I was almost on the verge of tears from my frustration as he started to tease me. And as he leaned in and whispered something naughty to me as he pulled my hair, I started to slip into that submissive space that makes me want to give up control to him.  But yet I was fighting it!  And I was sort of pissed that has this ability over me.  I feel so weak around him sometimes and that makes my strong, inner feminist angry at myself, so I was having an internal battle.  But at some point I remembered that this is the "thing we do" and that I trust him with that control, so I gave it up. And I started a steady stream of wave after wave of full body, rumbly orgasms, one after another. I vaguely remember my friends saying goodbye to me as they left the party.  He paused and guided me to give hugs to people as they left, and then pulled me back in, continuing to make me orgasm with just a few words or touches.

After a while of this, I noticed that everyone was gone, except for one guy sleeping on the couch across the room.  Modulator seemed pleased with himself at all to orgasms he gave me without having to work very hard with anything but his words and some well timed grabs and pinches and pulls.  I started to stumble away from him as he reached into his bag and pulled out a black nitrile rubber glove. (Oh hello, new fetish!) and slipped it on his hand.  He sat down and beckoned to me with his gloved hand, with "the look" and it took me a few seconds to understand what he was offering.  In the times that I have played with him since Damascus and I have opened our relationship, we have not been sexual in such a physical way, so finger fucking was sort of something new to bring to our second wave of experimentation, even though we have had sex in the past, years ago. 

When I finally figured out what he was going to do, I excitedly bounced back over to him, lifting my skirt and eagerly spreading my legs and lowering myself onto his strong, big hand.  I instantly started to cum as he stroked at my clit and slid his fingers inside of me.  He started to fuck me harder with his massive fingers and while he attempted to grab a hand towel in time, I made a squirty messy spot on the leg of his jeans.  I was not expecting to squirt, but I am not surprised I did.  I just haven't learned all the warning signs and can't predict when it will happen. (but I am thinking when I am OMG so turned on I could explode... that's a probable time).  After the first squirting orgasm, I could feel more, so I walked to the other side of the room and grabbed my beach towel and put it on the floor.  I lowered myself to my knees before him and continued to squirt a few more times, without further stimulation, as he watched, seemingly pleased with himself.

Modulator has been keeping a little red book of brats and their wrongdoings.  I had become aware of my page in it a few weeks ago.  But apparently, squirting on the only pair of pants he brought with him... was worthy of my first entry in the book.As I recovered after my orgasms and looked up at him, he had written me up and was showing me the entry. Which means that someday, I will have to pay for that crime.

*bounce bounce bounce*
yay! whee!

The Three Desires

For the last two weeks, I have been working on a project for Hedo.  While on my trip, I was having lots of frustrating desires that were all swirly and very hard for me to define.  This has been happening for some time, actually, since I started to develop an interest in kink.  I don't really have the simple, sexy types of fantasies and desires that I used to have. My fantasies still have a sexual element to them, and that's pretty straightforward, but I also have fantasies and images of other things, which are a little harder to put into words.  So I find myself thinking that I am desiring pain because I am obsessing about being spanked or having my hair pulled mixed in with the sexual images.  And then there are the fantasies where I have these vague feelings of desire about being dominated, even if it is just hearing "the voice" or seeing "the look".  Sometimes I just obsess about being on my knees before someone, being given instruction, or being restrained. That's a really hard thing to define and explain sometimes, when I am searching to express my wants. So I end up with the desire, for instance, to be on my knees, sucking cock, being told to play with myself, and being slapped.  I want all the things!  And yet, it is very hard to verbalize and very hard to satisfy all of those urges.  Masturbation or even sex doesn't really do it most of the time... it may satisfy the sexual parts, but I am often still left aching for these other things, which I sometimes can't articulate.

So the project has been for me to write down a note every time I have an urge or desire. I wrote down the day and time, what inspired the desire, what kind of fantasy it was, and how I satisfied the urge, if I did.  I was dedicated to being very thorough about this, as I want to understand.  And being accountable to Hedo for this project made it something I was motivated to do.  He wanted me to write for as long as we felt necessary, and hoped to find some patterns and answers to some of my questions. Today I finally started to feel the pressure and strain of all of the writing.  It was starting to wear me down and made me feel even more frustrated than just having the fantasies and he told me to stop. He hasn't read all of it, so I am curious to see what his thoughts ad reactions are.

Some patterns seemed to emerge right away for me.  I narrowed it down to three basic urges: sexual, masochistic, and submissive.  It seems so clear to me now, but it is rather complex because they blend together, so it was hard to pinpoint them.  On further reflection, I find that my masochistic urges seem to be mostly related to my sexual or submissive urges.  I don't know that I have straight-up masochistic urges.  For example, wanting my hair pulled is related to a desire for passionate, rough sex or in the form of being dominated and guided by a strong hand in my hair.  I don't think I simply want my hair pulled... it is not the sensation of pain on my scalp that I crave... that's a side effect of one of the other things.  That's my current theory about my masochism... I may find that it changes as I continue.  I still have much to learn about my relationship with pain.

So understanding more that I have sexual urges that can usually be satisfied by sex by myself or with another, and learning that my desires for pain might not be an urge in itself,  I am left with this desire for submission.  The difficult thing about this urge is that I feel it very deeply and daydream about it often.  And yet, I don't have a clear way to satisfy it easily, or even express it very clearly. I have been doing the best I can to understand and define these desires, using the best tools I can:  my writing skills. I have visions and images that I try to write down, and I have experienced scenes that seem to fulfill the desires (which become obsessive fuel for repeated fantasies of the scene).  Also, I write fantasies, which seems to help a great deal.  Plus it has the added bonus of giving some of the Dominant type perverts in my life a peek into my head to figure out what I want and make my desires come to life.  I love when that happens!  I still have so much to learn about all of these things.

Damascus and I watched the film Secretary last night together.  I had seen it years ago and it was the first time for him.  He tied me up in some rope and I watched while bound through most of it.  That seemed appropriate.  I really related to the film even more now that I have a firmer understanding of my own submissive desires.  I see how the D/s relationship between the two characters was beneficial for both of them, and how they both struggled with these deep, sometimes dark elements of themselves, and I saw myself and some of my relationships reflected.  It was good to see Lee's confusion, acceptance, and her quest to make her submissive desires come to reality.  It gives me hope for understanding and accepting my own someday.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


 Hedo hosted a party at the kinky bed & breakfast house last weekend that was intended to connect his swinger friends and kinky friends. Some of the swingers were curious about BDSM and the things he does, so the party was sort of an introduction for them.

I had been nervous about going to this party, as I have some mixed feelings about swinging and swingers, from a personal standpoint. While I support people and their consensual sexual choices and freedoms, I feel personally challenged by swinging, probably because I am less free with my affection and sexuality, and I am comfortable with that as my own choice. But I wanted to be more comfortable around swingers, without becoming one of them myself, so the party was a good exercise for me.

It's funny that I have become comfortable at this place now, getting naked, expressing my kinkiness, letting (carefully selected) people handle me in unusual ways (often with scary toys, or at least with sadistic looks) while others watch. And yet, the thought of being flirted with and perhaps asked for intimacy or sex was terrifying to me.

Perhaps I was scared of having to reject someone, or having to really assert my boundaries. Would swingers have similar ideas about consent and safe words as kinksters? Would I be expected to kiss or play with or fuck someone? It was all new to me, and I was rather anxious about it.

As it turned out, I think they were more afraid of me (not ME, peronally, but me being one of the BDSM elements to this gathering) than I was of them. Some of the other kinky folks didn't show up, which seemed to leave me as the lone eager bottom-type, wanting to to kinky stuff.  And several of the swingers apparently freaked out and were scared off (according to Hedo) before they even came to the party.  So it was a small party with mostly people who were not terribly interested in kink or were very nervous about it. Hedo and I did a little bit of playful sorts of things and I was willing to demo, but there just wasn't a lot of interest.  Even the electrical play, which is fun to watch and usually gathers a crowd, made the whole group run to the other side of the room.

It was really strange to feel like the Extreme Kinky Gal at the party.  Usually in this space, I am the newbie, the one who has little experience and is a little scared. I took my top off early on for some silly wax play with Hedo and his wife, and that freaked one of their friends out.  She left shortly afterwards.  I don't think it was the wax or the boobies, I think it was Hedo at my knees, while I was laying down, slapping at my crotch with a paint stirrer and poking at me with a knife while I orgasmed and screamed and his wife yelled at him for "hurting me".  It was quite goofy and fun, but it did involve dominance and impact and knives.  That *might* have scared her away.  Heh.

After the wax play, I walked around topless.  In a room full of clothed swingers. And I felt really exposed and vulnerable.  Not just because my tits were hanging out.  I wondered what they thought about me.  Did they understand me? Did they understand my cravings, not for sex, but for submission and pain and kinky play? Could they comprehend the way Hedo expressed his dominance and how I reacted?  It was different than the flirty, kissy, cuddly things that they were all doing together.  He and I are much less like that.  I respond better to him grabbing and pulling my hair and restraining my wrists than I would a snuggly nibble. I put my top back on and tried my best to mingle with them, but mostly felt like an outsider.

Later in the evening, Hedo tied me to the rope wall, and told me he was just going to leave me there for a while, which appealed to my wish for restraint and submission. And then I saw him whispering with a lovely lady that I had met at another of his events, one that I knew to be sort of switchy and liking to bite and scratch.  He walked her over to me, and she looked a little embarrassed.  Hedo told her a bit of what I am into and he told me a little about her, and we negotiated a bit. And he left her to nibble and work me over, using me as a chew toy and a scratching post.  I talked to her a bit as she bit at me, and she seemed amazed that she was allowed to do such things to me.  I asked her to spank me, which was new to her, and I think we both liked it. She mentioned it being weird because she usually gets in trouble for such things like biting or scratching too hard.  I really enjoyed myself and loved having a sexy lady have fun feeling her nails and teeth press through me while I squirmed and got off.  Hedo returned after a while and finger fucked me until I had a huge wet orgasm there, clinging to the wall, sexy lady holding me up while I writhed and responded to both of them. Very hot scene!  And very unexpected, given how the rest of the night had gone.

It was a very strange night indeed.  I don't think I am so afraid of swingers and swinger parties anymore.  But I realize that kinky comes in all flavors.  And while swinging might be kinky in itself, as it is outside of the traditional sex/relationship world, it might not have much to do with BDSM.  There will always be crossover, but I think the approach to sex is quite a bit different with swingers, and I am glad to have gained more understanding with this event.

Monday, June 25, 2012


Events have been clustered together lately and I have gotten some much needed release from the stress of my trade show a couple of weeks ago. While on the trip, things were stressful, tedious, exhausting, and vanilla. I could confide a little bit in my travel mate, as she already knew about the poly/open relationship stuff, but the little glimpse I gave her into my kink world was a little much for her, so I didn't talk much about all this exciting and wonderful stuff for about a week. When I got back, I was all sorts of horny, pent up, wanting pain and sensation, and full of submissive desires. Hedo got me started on a new writing project after I got settled back home (more on that soon) and there were kinky events and parties that were waiting for me, just when I needed them!

In fact the day after my return, our kinky class was a hands on impact class. I almost didn't go, as I thought it might be more rigidly structured and I didn't have a dedicated partner to play with. Given my state, I thought that watching might be too frustrating for me, wanting to play so badly myself, but my need for like minded companionship exceeded my fears of frustration. I was really glad I went, because Mr. Toy and I ended up having a great bratty wrestling battle. We put on quite a show for the class, we were full of goofy energy and really had a blast. I got to be a brat and I made him work really hard to get me restrained.  Even the class got involved by throwing him rope and duct tape to try to use on me. He might be tall and strong, but I am slippery and squirmy. We managed to keep our clothes on, but decided that clearly next time, we needed to wrestle naked. It was fun, sexy, sweaty and I got spanked and overpowered which really helped calm all the frustrated desires I had been having over the last couple of weeks.

Fortunately, the next play party was jut a few days later.  We texted throughout the week with taunts and teasing, which has become our way of negotiating, I guess.  I think we have played enough where we are clear about our limits and we can just have fun and not negotiate too many details, which makes it even more fun, because I trust him. But the next wrestling event needed a little pre-planning, as we decided he would rip all of my clothes off.  So I went to the thrift store and got myself a cute little outfit for a couple of dollars, which I altered by cutting the seam with scissors for extra slutty cuteness (and to be more easily torn).  I found a shirt that said Fighters Unite, which made me feel bad ass.  It was even more awesome because it had a paw print on the back, one of Mr. Toy and Alpha Domme's symbols.  The paw was in brass knuckle form, which was even more bad ass.  I had my trademark fishnets, this time they were thigh highs attached to running shorts with some little suspender clips.  And of course, an old pair of black undies, for the final touch. I gave him permission for a first for me... full nudity in public.  I was going to make popping that cherry a big bang!

The wrestling was super fun and having my clothes torn off was awesome. As has been the trend, it was a bratty, giggly, sweaty, high energy sort of thing, with lots of people watching. It was very liberating and freeing, actually, to be naked too, by the end.  There were little shreds of clothing everywhere, and he gagged me with my panties, which were very wet by the time we were done, and tied them in place with a remnant of my fishnets. After the wrestling, he took me to a cross and Alpha Domme helped him tie me up to it.  We had a much calmer, more intense, and very sexy session on the cross.  He used floggers and knives and paddles and his hands.  I barely remember a lot of that because I spaced out quite a bit.  And I had many quiet rumbly orgasms.  I think I was too quiet, as he asked me if I came later. I did, about a dozen times. After all of that exhibitionism and nudity, I should be a little more vocal to let everyone know I am enjoying myself... I will have to work on that more.  Still a shy hurdle, I guess, openly having orgasms in public.  

Part of what got me so hot and excited (as if wrestling with a sexy guy isn't enough) was that he leaned in a few times and spoke to me with some very dominant teasing and threats that melted my brain.  I remember a "good girl" in there, which is sure to get me excited when spoken by someone I want to hear it from.  And he threatened to make me sit in the corner and masturbate while he watched when we were done.  That really spoke to my subby urges.  And he bit and nibbled and said some very sexy things that made me orgasm just from the words.  So yeah, it was very delicious.  Sadly, we had to end a bit abruptly, as he had a family situation come up, and that's a priority.  I was a very floaty happy girl by the time he was done, though.

As if all of that fun play wasn't enough, I got another chance to play with him just a week later, at a party that Damascus and I hosted!  This time I was egging him on while he was waiting chained on the cross, naked, for Alpha Domme to beat him.  That's the rule, she gets to beat him before I can play with him.  But she had also said she would show off their toybag to our newbie kinkster friends, and she got caught up in that.  So I was fucking with Mr Toy to kill time.  I didn't realize that he wasn't firmly attached to the cross, and after one too many times tossing a damp towel at him, he surprised me by unclipping himself and setting in to restrain me instead!

We struggled a bit, with his restraints coming off of him and being put onto me, attaching me to the rope wall.  Again, we were in the unusual position of him being buck naked and playing Top and dominating me, while I was more clothed, which is a bit of a mind-fuck.  I love the twisted switchiness of it all!  We started to get caught up in playing and then the cross he left got taken over by someone else.  Alpha Domme had moved onto other demos, but she would step in to give him a hand, telling him to gag me with my fishnet band and whipping me and striking me with various things.  It was kind of a crazy blur, I don't remember much.  I know I ended up with my feet attached to the rope wall and him hovering over me, with his junk dangling and making me giggle.  I removed my gag and used it as a rubber band to fling at his balls repeatedly, which I got pretty good at.  We started to wind down, panting, and there were a few orgasms for me as he leaned in very close to me.  I remember he bit at my nipples and made me come.  It was crazy fun.  I hope we didn't get in too much trouble for breaking the *Alpha Domme plays first rule*, but if it is trouble, I hope it is the good, fun kind that we might have to pay for later. :)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Subby Fantasy: Play Party

"Are you going to be my good little slut tonight?" he asked, placing his hand against my face and looking firmly into my eyes with his dominant gaze which immediately makes me answer, "Yes, Sir."

The play party was just starting and people were starting to arrive. We all spent the first hour or so mingling and chatting. I didn't know many of the guests very well, so I was a little nervous, but I was enjoying meeting new people, especially ones who were so sexy and affectionate. It was a good, happy vibe in the room and I was starting to feel comfortable and was warming up, as he would check in with me every now and then and give me a little flirty squeeze and a naughty glance.

After everyone had settled in, he motioned to me to join him in the center of the room, near the rope wall.  He leaned in and told me that it was time for my training and that I should prepare my space. My heart started to beat harder with excitement as I nodded obediently. I reached in my bag and got my towel, which I folded into a small neat rectangle and lay on the floor, where he was pointing. I moved towards him and stood still before him, waiting for further instruction. He circled around me, looking me over, and moved in close behind me.  He slowly moved his hand up my neck and grasped my hair firmly, pulling my head close so my hear was next to his lips.  He told me what he wanted me to do, he wanted me to strip to my panties and kneel on the towel.  He wanted everyone to see my body and to show off what a good slutty sub I am.

I spent the next half hour on my knees, kneeling on the towel that he so generously allowed me to have.  My orders were to sit up straight, with my legs slightly spread and my arms and hands folded neatly behind my back, with my chest outward and my back straight. He told me I needed to keep my nipples erect and my pussy wet while I was in position. It seemed like an easy enough order but I found myself slouching and nodding off at times. He would come around every so often and pull my hair to straighten me up, or use a riding crop to slap at my knees to spread them further and to check to see if I was wet by kneeling down and pushing my panties aside and shoving his fingers inside.  He made me lick them clean.  When my nipples relaxed, he brought a pair of nipple clamps and clipped them onto my tits, telling me that would keep them hard.  He would frequently tug at the chain and make me squeal.
He would leave and join the crowd, leaving me in place, sometimes returning to adjust my position to his whim.  Sometimes I would be kneeling deeply with my arms in front of me and my back arched and ass in the air. He could flog and spank me easily in that position, and i couldn't tell when it was coming. Sometimes he asked me embarrassing questions about what I thought about when I last masturbated or what slutty, horny thoughts I was thinking about and made me answer while looking him in the eyes, and he would slap or smack at me if I looked away or blushed or stumbled. Once, he placed the riding crop sideways in my mouth and had me hold it there while he continued mingling. When he returned to remove it, he demanded I kiss his cock through his pants and reminded me how much I love sucking his cock for him.

I began to squirm, horny from submission and wanting release.  He stood before me and asked me if I wanted my orgasm.  He allowed me to reach into my panties and touch myself, but he told me that I had to ask permission to come.  My eyes would roll back and I would start to get off, and I would be slapped or flogged or hit with the riding crop and reminded that I had to ask.  When I finally asked... begged... to come, he told me no but told me to keep touching and playing with myself.  I felt like the whole room was looking at me but i didn't care, as I wanted release.  He told me to ask louder and with more confidence, and I continued asking to come and masturbating until he was satisfied, and a rush of pleasure overtook me as I knelt before him.  I collapsed into a puddle and the room swirled around me. I looked up from the ground and saw his feet before me.  "Thank you, Sir" I said as I kissed the tip of his boots, one after the other.  I could hear the words "good girl" and his strong hand petting my head as he walked away, leaving me to recover from my orgasm.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Submissive Awakenings

It has been a while since I have blogged, mostly due to preparing for my annual big trade show thing for work.  It takes months of preparation and is an exhausting amount of work that leaves me needing a week or so of recovery and takes away a lot of my free time for several weeks.  I have still been going to kinky classes and a party and have had some amazing experiences since I last wrote, but I might not be able to catch up on them in full like I would like to on the blog here.  I have other new things to think and talk about now.  Maybe I can do a quick overview of some of the things I am thinking about lately.  Many of my thoughts are about Dominance and submission and what I am looking for (and not looking for) with those aspects in my life.

Another reason I am not blogging as much is that I am writing my thoughts to Hedo in a fairly intensive manner.  I had made the suggestion that I write weekly emails to him to keep him updated on my quickly evolving thoughts and new experiences.  Weekly immediately became almost daily, as I have a lot of thoughts and the need to express them. So that has been good for is like journaling, but with Hedo, he is able to respond and give me feedback or at least accumulate the knowledge of my experiences and see my progression.  The blog is a good exercise, but I don't often get feedback of any sort, so it feels more like I am dumping my thoughts instead of sharing them. Except when I write posts like this that are more indirectly thoughts for Hedo and Damascus and others to read, they are just made public. ;)

In fact, I really like the discipline of writing to him.  I have been thinking about the word "discipline" a lot.  Of course, I think of discipline in the form of punishment.  I do tend to love spankings and being scolded and punished when I am given an order and don't follow it (my brattiness feeds into this, clearly).  But the other meaning of the word discipline interests me even more.  I like the discipline of writing to Hedo frequently.  It is not so much of a task, but I do love the idea of tasks and find myself desiring more, so sometimes I think of it that way, to motivate myself to do it more fully. Hedo makes it easy because I love talking and sharing with him, so it is enjoyable, but I do it because we think it is an important element in our dynamic, and I want for that to be strong.

Lately, I have been watching a lot of porn that centers on the training of submissive/slave girls and it inspires me. I love seeing the submissive/Gorean poses and positions and find them beautiful and I imagine myself doing them. I find myself interested in following kinky orders, holding positions, enduring sexually charged activities, and reward/punishment systems.  I am watching porn about girls going through some sort of Slut Training type schooling and find that really hot... I think I have had these thoughts all along, from the early times I played with Modu and I wrote Kinky University fantasies. I have just never seen these fantasies in the flesh, and now I have found visual affirmation of some of the things I have been wanting, and more that I never even thought of.

I find myself longing to have a private, personal routine or a series of tasks to do that are sexual in nature, either physically (having to do with masturbation exercises or specific training like getting my body used to anal play or practicing squirting or doing kegel exercises) or mentally (more writing, fantasy writing, masturbation journaling or other tasks). Of course, I could do these things on my own... but the fantasy and my submissive desires makes me want to hand control of some of these sexual aspects to another... to someone who will hold me accountable and will guide me.  And maybe someone who will get off and perv on the thought of controlling this aspect of my life.

I have had some private moments of sexual submission in recent weeks. I still have a hard time writing about these private moments.  I recently had a date with Hedo where we decided to do a scene that would leave me feeling used. After an earlier scene of alternating orgasm denial and forced orgasms for me, we had the scene where he used me for his pleasure. I stripped and was ordered to my knees, and he had his way with me, using my mouth.  I had never been throat fucked quite so roughly and it was scary but it also got me very excited.  When I started to orgasm, he would slap me and not allow me to do so, and I was tied up with plastic cling to make it easier for him to use me the way he wanted (and stop me from coming myself).  At the end, he cleaned himself up, took off my plastic wrap bondage, threw a towel at me, and left me in the messes we both made. It was a challenging and amazing experience (completely consensual too) and I loved it, which is a little confusing... to love something such as that.

Something a little more challenging is my want to express my submission when not in private, either discreetly in public or more overtly in suitable settings like play parties. Clearly, the scene above is very private, and that amount of sexual contact is not something I am currently exhibitionist enough to show others.  But still, I would like to show an expression of my submission, in a safe place with people around who might understand.  My next writing will be a fantasy about a submissive scene that I would be comfortable doing in public, incorporating some of my newly realized imagery and fantasies.

For me, though, my interest in submission is only focused on very specific sexual aspects.  I am probably not a twue submissive and I don't want a twue Domly Dom who wants to control all aspects of my life.  I have a career that I worked hard for and I won't let anyone interfere with that.  I have awesome friends and family and relationships that I value and love and I wouldn't want someone to be fucking around there in terms of controlling those things.  I had that for many years, it was called "my marriage", and it was less than consensual and I won't do it again.  I am continuously struck by how ironic my interest in power exchange and BDSM is with my issues of having a controlling partner and emotional abuse in my past, so it frequently confuses me. And yet, I fantasize relentlessly about being sexually controlled, about being dominated.  I clearly want and need these things and am so happy engaging in them... it just takes me a while to figure out my own twisted logic and limits.