Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Adventures with Mr Toy and Alpha Domme part two

 As she prepared the toys from their bag, he tried to put the wrist restraints on me.  I stepped on his feet with my clunky shoes.  "I don't know why you don't make me take them off" I taunted him.  "Take off your shoes" he responded. Heh.  "Say please" I snapped back.  He put on his most menacing look and grabbed a paddle, wrestling with me and telling me to take off my shoes.  I giggled brattily and finally agreed.  I stepped over to the side of the playspace and removed them.  He turned his back, tending to the toy bag with her.  I threw a shoe at his butt.  "Ok, who has a spreader bar?" she asked loudly.  Someone gleefully responded and brought it to her.  My heart started beating fast and I settled down, ready to accept what they had in store for me. He clipped my restraints to chains that hung from the ceiling and clasped my feet to the bar.  I looked up at him grinning as he put the blindfold on, and pleaded for them not to hurt and mark me up too much.  I felt safe, looking in his eyes, and let go

I was so disoriented, I was not aware of anyone after a few minutes of the blindfold on.  I got pretty spacey pretty fast, as they swirled around me.  The varying sensations of pleasure and pain were so dizzying, and there were times when I couldn't tell which person was where. I lost all sense of anyone else in the room, the music, anything.  I just felt myself and the sensations they were giving me. The blindness heightened the other senses, like I could smell his leather collar and could feel her hair so that was a clue of who was who. There was pinching, soft petting, slapping, nibbling, caning, spanking, some sort of sort furry sensation brushing across me, poking, hair pulling.  Two people working in unison to confuse my senses, mixing pleasure and pain with sensuality and a bit of fear.

As I was very limited in my ability to move, I found myself writing around, sometimes to avoid something painful like the caning, sometimes to grind myself into something pleasurable, like Mr. Toy's chest or hand.  Alpha Domme put on a pair of vampire gloves and ground them into my panties, and the sensation of all those little spiky things made me orgasm.  I had several orgasms, my body exploding at the more pleasurable and erotic sensations like her mouth nibbling the back of my neck and pulling my hair, and his fingers sliding deeply down my throat as I worked very hard to take every inch that he gave me.
As the painful things ramped up, I went to a spacey place of trust and let go of control and I went almost numb.  Not a bad numb, but a wash of contentment that came over me where I knew there were things that should be hurting but they didn't really hurt.  I just felt all squishy and melty.

At the end, he took me out of the restraints and got me to a chair.  My knees were all wobbly.  I got some water and Damascus was there for me, he had watched most of the scene and seemed to like it.  

They had both been telling me that I would like to be co-Topped by them and they were right.  It was an amazing mix of pleasure and pain and a wonderfully erotic and sensual experience.  I have really enjoyed playing with them and hope for future adventures!

Submissive Floodgates

The private times I have spent with Hedo have been times that are difficult to write about. They are so very intimate, very personal exchanges that are near to sacred to me. It has been challenging to write, but I wanted to share a little bit about our last exchange though, as it has had me obsessing and fantasizing about it since we were together.

This was the night of the important talk that we had, where we tried to clarify our relationship and decided that we wanted to put the energy and effort into a deeper D/s exchange. Even though our conversation ended on a positive note, he told me he was going to go home, so we could think on these things, and not just rush into sexyfuntime out of habit.  It was crushing to think of that happening, as I had been looking to connect with him for weeks, and was really wanting an intimate connection after the talk we had.  I reasoned, and probably begged a little, and he decided to come over to my house, where I had arranged for us to have alone time.

We settled in a bit, got some water from the kitchen. He joked about orgasm denial as he threatened to leave now that I was worked up. oh, haha. But that was what was in store for me that night.  He had me go and put on some comfy clothes and bring out my favorite sex toy and told me that he was going to watch me masturbate.  I did as I was told and came back to the couch and snuggled up. Then he gave me further instruction.  He wanted me to play with myself until I was just ready to orgasm, and then stop.  I wasn't allowed to orgasm until he said so. With every time I did that properly without getting off, he would take off one item of clothing.  If I did come without permission, he would put his clothes back on and we would have to start all over.  This was the game for the night, and I was all in.

So, I was very turned on, so getting myself near orgasm was not difficult.  I just needed my fingers.  The Hitachi Wand I brought out would have been serious overkill.  Just a minute of light touching, and I was writhing and ready to come again.  He seemed to understand this and made it more challenging.  Once his pants came off, I lost a lot of sense of what was happening.  It involved him continuing to warn me not to orgasm, and then there were a series of numbers.  He would order me to tell him a number, and that would correspond to something he would do to me.  Choosing the number 1 got me 1 inch of his cock in my mouth, for example.  That being not nearly enough, I took more, and got slapped for it, which made me want it even more.  Choosing the number 4 got me 4 fingers in my pussy.  But when only 3 would fit, he let me know that I got the fourth one in my ass.  I squirmed, his cock in my mouth, trying not to orgasm, as he was filling all my holes and calmly making his demands, altering the game, and changing the rules as we went.

Finally, sensing I couldn't take anymore of this mixed up game, he allowed me to orgasm.  But not before he rewarded me with a mouthful of his own orgasm.  THAT was the reward I needed to allow myself to come.  And I did, in waves.  I squirted and felt the hot liquid running between my thighs and down my ass onto the blanket I had wisely put beneath me before we started.  He released me and I was still shuddering, and I felt more orgasms coming.  While my mind was mostly elsewhere in a happy subspacey goo, I was keenly aware of the wetness that would be soaking through to my new sofa.  As he got up and moved away, I slid myself onto the floor, spreading the blanket below me.  I wondered about my newfound squirting ability and how long and how much I could come this way.  I got on my knees and started to bear down, the memories of our exchange filling my head, wave after wave of orgasm pulsing through me, wave after wave of hot liquid gushing from between my legs.  I opened my eyes at one point, and saw him, sitting across from me, naked with a twisted grin on his face, relishing my continuing orgasms that he started.  It was amazing, it just kept coming out, I wasn't even touching myself, and he wasn't touching me. I finally collapsed in a puddle of my own juices, curled up on the soaked blanket.  He got me a towel and helped me clean off, and set me back on the couch to rest.

This is a fun and sexy story to me... It's full of all sorts of kinky hot fodder for fantasy, which has been recurring in my own head since it happened.  But it is more than just a hot, sexy time.  This sort of exchange is significant to me because the intimate time I spend with Hedo has been about me exploring an increasingly submissive state with him.  From the time he arrives and takes charge in our private moments, I give myself to him, and I do it emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually (which is the biggest challenge of all for me). This is different from the fun subby times I have at parties and that I have played with others. Nothing has been to this depth, to this extent. This is a true submission.  I trust him with my fantasies and to listen to all the things I tell him and to use that knowledge on me, sometimes in most unexpected ways, because I seem to learn best with a mind fuck . When I submit to him, I lose all of these worries and cares and I allow myself to let go and to be his good sexy girl, or whatever he wants from me that night, knowing that he will make me feel like a twisted slutty princess, and he will do that while wanting me to be safe, be strong, and grow.

We are just at the very start of this Dominant/submissive journey together.  These few, rare exchanges are my proof that the time and energy we put into this relationship are meaningful and important to my personal growth. I would hope he feels that he is gaining something as well, but my insecurities only see my own gains, and not his as easily.  Again, I have to trust that this is mutually beneficial.  Maybe the main benefit is him causing a cute girl make a huge squirty mess all over her living room floor, but I know it goes deeper for him as well. And there is a depth of fantasy and soul searching and self discovery wherein the floodgates have just been opened. And I am eager to explore much more.

Forgotten Thrill

Oh how could I forget this part of the last scene with Mr Toy that I wrote about?  It was one of my favorite things!  It's so funny how getting all spacy in a scene leaves one unable to recall or think straight.  It's a really amazing game of the mind, which is one of the reasons I love it so much.

At some point in the middle of our scene I was being a brat, probably being sassy and defiant or squirming out of my restraints or back talking in some way.  Who knows, what I did... but I surely did something to warrant him taking the knife he was scratching across my body to rip off the band of my fishnets.  He tied them into a makeshift, stretchy gag that he slipped over my head and into my mouth.  

I was a little nervous, because we are still new to playing, and being restrained and gagged means a lessened chance of being able to safeword, but I could still sort of mumble and the gag wasn't very wide or tight, so I knew I could force it out of my mouth with my tongue and lips.  Which, of course, I did, when he turned me around and I was facing away.  It's so fun to be so bratty to him.

I find it really hot to be gagged or to have my mouth otherwise occupied, and I am loving it from him especially.  He seems to delight in sliding his fingers down my throat or clipping clothespins to my tongue or poking or pinching at it, and I love giving him that opportunity.  The hotness of being gagged with my own torn fishnets is even more thrilling.  I never get tired of the sound and feel of fishnets ripping, and now I have another erotic association with it.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Adventures with Mr Toy and Alpha Domme, part one

He stood across the room, naked except for a giant collar with a silver pawprint medallion on it.  He had already been beaten by Alpha Domme and he was lounging around, being silly. We had been poking at each other, making goofy faces,clipping clothespins to one another in passing. I had been told that we could play after Alpha Domme had finished with him, and she was resting with a cute boy on a couch behind him.  So I stuck my tongue out at him and flipped him the finger.  Just a taste of the brattiness that would be in store.  I have discovered how to push this switch's toppy buttons.

He approached me and we alternated between giggling together and him looking menacingly at me, pressing against me into the rope wall. I had a hard time keeping a straight face because he was naked.  Not that it was funny... he is very, very sexy, but... look...penis! hehe, giggle... it just makes me laugh sometimes, I can't help it. Alpha Domme joined us and went to the other side of the rope wall, pulling at my hair, scratching at my sides and slapping my ass and thighs every now and then.  Damascus had made me a pair of wrist restraints that were attached to the metal loops in my punky, schoolgirl skirt, and Mr Toy removed them and they attached me arms to the rope wall, arms spread out wide.

While it was hot to have them both touching me at the same time and having him push himself up against me to the rope wall while she fondled me from behind, I think she tired of not getting a good angle for spanking  and she wandered off after a while.  I am very respectful and a bit intimidated by her, but he just brings out the brat in me, so once she left, I resumed stepping on his bare feet with my clunky shoes (I don't know why he didn't try to take them off!) and kicking at his freshly beaten butt when he turned around to get another toy, and generally squirming and making him laugh. There was tearing of my fishnet top and stockings, some knife play, and other delicious little tortures and taunting. I relished the opportunities to be his little brat when he turned his back, kicking at him (again with the clunky shoes!) until he would grab my leg and lift it up until I was afraid to lose balance and fall.  I did something really bratty, I don't even know what anymore, which made him turn his back to get some scary implement to punish me with, and I unclipped my wrist restraint and poked at his side.  Hehe, never trust a subby who brings her own restraints.

That was the final bratty straw, and he glared at me as he unclipped my other restraint, grabbed me by the hair, and led me to the couch where Alpha Domme and the cute boy were sitting.  Their big bag of toys happened to be there, so he sat next to it and put me over his knee.  He spanked me with a few paddles and his hand and I squealed and felt the room watching this whole scene.  I think we were rather entertaining to watch.  I pinched at his leg while he tried to subdue me and he got up to get another paddle.  I somehow got a hold of it and threw it out of his reach.  Then he got the horse scrapers and threatened me with them and I grabbed onto them so he couldn't use them.  I love wrestling for control with him! 

And then the big pawprint paddle came out.  *gulp* This is a scary wooden paddle with a raised wooden paw mark on it and I knew that would be painful and it would be the final strike of the scene.  He looked at Alpha Domme for permission and it was granted and then he looked at me.  I knew it would leave a mark and I knew that would probably be hard for Damascus, but I wanted it so badly, so I consented.  This was all done non-verbally, but it was a clear communication to me.  He motioned to my thigh, and that being the one that modu had bruised heavily a short time before, I flipped and motioned to the other side. We both took a deep breath and he struck me with it.  There was a pop of pain, a pause, and then the pain rose again, worse the second time.  It was strange and intense and adrenaline pushing, and I sort of melted and was done. He eased me onto the couch and got me some water and sat with me for a while as we talked and chatted.  Everyone around us seemed amused at the show we put on, and I was proud of the paw mark I received.  Damascus took the picture above a few minutes afterwards.  It looked very pretty as the blood rushed to the surface. 

It was a super fun and awesome scene.  It must have been fun to watch, me being a total brat, him naked except for his collar, trying to control me, succeeding sometimes, but losing control other times.  We laughed a lot, we got serious and quiet sometimes, we had great sexual chemistry together, I had many little orgasms in the quiet moments.  We have such fun and unique scenes together.  I really love the variety of kinky interests that I have and how different partners each bring a different personality to play.  I also really love being a brat to him and how we revert to schoolyard antics together.  It's so much fucking fun! It's also something I couldn't do to that extent with the other people I play with, but it seems to work for Mr. Toy and I. A lot of my kinky interests tend to be a bit heavy and require me to do a lot of thinking and processing, but I also really like the ease and fun that roleplaying at this lighthearted, sensual level brings.  I am so glad I am starting to be able to really PLAY and have fun in this way!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Thoughts on Changing Relationships

I have had a lot going on in the last week or so that has given me much to think about.  There was a play party, where I had a lot of fun, my date with Hedo which was wonderful and made me search deep and think about what I want in my life, and also some other challenging decisions.

The party was fun and I got to really brat it up with Mr. Toy.  I wasn't sure that would happen but his Alpha Domme joined us at first and seemed to give us the blessing.  I started a post about just that scene but I wanted to get into some of the deeper stuff now.

Before the party, I was getting some strange vibes and vague texts from Hedo about needing to talk and how he was evaluating things in his life.  Gulp. In dating speak, that sounded like break up talk.  But I don't know if you would exactly call us dating (even though yeah, I just called our evening plans a date).  Whatever it was, it sounded kind of scary and as it sometimes does, our text message conversation started to go south quickly and we opted to upgrade to a phone call to calm things down before seeing each other at the party.  We talked on the phone, talked again at the party, and then for a couple of hours on our date, and it was rather serious.  We had been drifting apart a bit over the last month and a half, and he couldn't keep up.  While we had been messaging, it was at a more casual pace and we didn't get any face to face time.  We discussed it and discovered that we both really like the mentorship aspect of our relationship as well as the D/s aspects that we shared and we can't have that sort of relationship effectively if we are not communicating. He didn't know how to challenge me based on what I had been experiencing recently (which has been a LOT).  So we needed to decide how and if to pursue this type of relationship further.

Now, there had been a part of me that had been holding back.  While I did want to seek his guidance many times, and I did when things got particularly confusing and challenging over the last month, I held back on expressing everything to him.  I worried that I would overload him with emails and information, that I would look crazy or way too complicated to want to be involved with.  This was my hang-up and learning that he was feeling lost with me was very eye opening. I kept quiet, waiting my days until I would see him again, being happy with what I could have of his time, and trying not to burden him too much with asking for advice or wanting too much interaction. This was clearly the wrong approach and was a miscommunication between us.  

The truth is, whatever this thing I have with Hedo is, it is very important to me.  And he has been teaching me and pushing me and challenging me to ask for the things that I want and express myself as fully and as clearly as I can, but I didn't do it with him. I can't claim to fully understand what it means to be submissive or to seek the care and guidance of a Dominant, but my instincts and heart have led me to him and I have put great trust in him.  There are things that he doesn't understand about his Dominance, too, and is vulnerable enough to tell me that he is concerned that he can't give me the proper experience that I seek.  But this has been such an amazing experience so far, and it is one I deeply wish to continue and explore much further. So we discussed it and figured out some ways that we can stay connected with the time and energy we have to devote to this.  I will be writing to him more and I will be more assertive in my efforts to share with him and spend time with him when our schedules allow.  I am happy and feel fulfilled with this new commitment to this dynamic and I intend to take it seriously and give him all I can.

In other relationship news, Juesance and I, after a couple of months of disagreements, inactivity, and friction, have decided to discontinue our romantic relationship.  I adore that man but we made each other crazy trying to be in a relationship.  I had an emotional conversation with him about two weeks ago where we decided to downgrade to a friends-with-benefits situation, and I gave that some time to sink in, but that didn't feel right either.  I have been growing and changing in the time we have been together. He was my first polyamorous relationship while with Damascus and it presented many problems that we worked though.  And there is much love but sometimes love isn't enough.  

I started to realize that the whole initial reason for opening the door to polyamory was so that it would make my explorations in BDSM easier to deal with.  Because with BDSM, I wasn't sure if I would play with people publicly in a sexy but mostly platonic way, if I would want to have private kinky times with sexual relationships, or if I would want to have full relationships, perhaps with romantic love, with play partners.  I wasn't sure how I might feel about having play partners or forming a relationship with a Dom.  I think this was a good approach, because I still don't know, and I have a little bit of all of those sorts of relationship styles going on now in my Kinky journey.  I think poly allows me the freedom to be able to explore kink with my full mind, body, and heart.  And it has been becoming clear that BDSM is the main goal, not simply having other romantic relationships.  I have the room in my heart for those relationships, but I have the complexity to need so much more, and the craving is greater than the want for more love or sex or companionship alone.  I thrive on this kinky complexity and I am starting to really focus on it now with less distraction.

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Politics of Play Parties

Well, I guess it's time for my traditional pre-party brain dump.  This weekend should prove to be interesting.  Tonight there is the regular monthly play party and tomorrow night I have a private play date with Hedo.  (oh, and next weekend I am attending TWO private play parties).  

I must say that the parties have become less stressful in some ways, especially since I have hosted two of my own.  I know more people, have become much less shy, and have seemed to be able to arrange some sort of play for myself at each party to make me feel like they have been good kinky experiences.  But still, each party presents its own set of sometimes confusing possibilities and challenges. While Damascus comes with me to the parties and we sometimes play a little with rope or fire or something, I think we are both looking to use that time to play with others.  At least, I am, and he encourages me as much as he can.

The challenge for me is that I don't really have a single Top/Dom partner to play with.  I have a few possibilities, which is wonderful, but it is also potentially complicated and frustrating.  All of my current roster of play partners have other primary relationships and even secondary relationships that I have to navigate and negotiate before playing.  So I can be in a position of getting ready for a party with several possible play partners who will be there, but having no idea or plan about what might happen.  And I always like to have a plan.  At least a plan that *something* might happen.  And I don't even know IF something will happen.  Which puts me in a space between waiting patiently to see if things will happen and being assertive and asking for something to happen, which is a difficult place to be for me.

 Ok, so let's just put all the crazy cards on the table.  Here is my big fear: I will go to a party, I have several people that I have played with and have good relationships with and can potentially play with in attendance at the party, and I have a desperate desire and willingness for a kinky experience (or many). And nothing happens and I leave feeling rejected and frustrated.  

I have spent so many years of my life waiting and being patient and making sure everything is perfect.  But nothing is ever perfect and I fear that I let opportunities pass while I am waiting.  I am doing that less now and I have taken a lot of risks and am finally getting the experiences I so deeply crave. It is still hard and I still hesitate and let opportunities pass because I am being too cautious and not taking risks or just asking for what I want.  I am ready.