For the last two weeks, I have been working on a project for Hedo. While on my trip, I was having lots of frustrating desires that were all swirly and very hard for me to define. This has been happening for some time, actually, since I started to develop an interest in kink. I don't really have the simple, sexy types of fantasies and desires that I used to have. My fantasies still have a sexual element to them, and that's pretty straightforward, but I also have fantasies and images of other things, which are a little harder to put into words. So I find myself thinking that I am desiring pain because I am obsessing about being spanked or having my hair pulled mixed in with the sexual images. And then there are the fantasies where I have these vague feelings of desire about being dominated, even if it is just hearing "the voice" or seeing "the look". Sometimes I just obsess about being on my knees before someone, being given instruction, or being restrained. That's a really hard thing to define and explain sometimes, when I am searching to express my wants. So I end up with the desire, for instance, to be on my knees, sucking cock, being told to play with myself, and being slapped. I want all the things! And yet, it is very hard to verbalize and very hard to satisfy all of those urges. Masturbation or even sex doesn't really do it most of the time... it may satisfy the sexual parts, but I am often still left aching for these other things, which I sometimes can't articulate.
So the project has been for me to write down a note every time I have an urge or desire. I wrote down the day and time, what inspired the desire, what kind of fantasy it was, and how I satisfied the urge, if I did. I was dedicated to being very thorough about this, as I want to understand. And being accountable to Hedo for this project made it something I was motivated to do. He wanted me to write for as long as we felt necessary, and hoped to find some patterns and answers to some of my questions. Today I finally started to feel the pressure and strain of all of the writing. It was starting to wear me down and made me feel even more frustrated than just having the fantasies and he told me to stop. He hasn't read all of it, so I am curious to see what his thoughts ad reactions are.
Some patterns seemed to emerge right away for me. I narrowed it down to three basic urges: sexual, masochistic, and submissive. It seems so clear to me now, but it is rather complex because they blend together, so it was hard to pinpoint them. On further reflection, I find that my masochistic urges seem to be mostly related to my sexual or submissive urges. I don't know that I have straight-up masochistic urges. For example, wanting my hair pulled is related to a desire for passionate, rough sex or in the form of being dominated and guided by a strong hand in my hair. I don't think I simply want my hair pulled... it is not the sensation of pain on my scalp that I crave... that's a side effect of one of the other things. That's my current theory about my masochism... I may find that it changes as I continue. I still have much to learn about my relationship with pain.
So understanding more that I have sexual urges that can usually be satisfied by sex by myself or with another, and learning that my desires for pain might not be an urge in itself, I am left with this desire for submission. The difficult thing about this urge is that I feel it very deeply and daydream about it often. And yet, I don't have a clear way to satisfy it easily, or even express it very clearly. I have been doing the best I can to understand and define these desires, using the best tools I can: my writing skills. I have visions and images that I try to write down, and I have experienced scenes that seem to fulfill the desires (which become obsessive fuel for repeated fantasies of the scene). Also, I write fantasies, which seems to help a great deal. Plus it has the added bonus of giving some of the Dominant type perverts in my life a peek into my head to figure out what I want and make my desires come to life. I love when that happens! I still have so much to learn about all of these things.
Damascus and I watched the film Secretary last night together. I had seen it years ago and it was the first time for him. He tied me up in some rope and I watched while bound through most of it. That seemed appropriate. I really related to the film even more now that I have a firmer understanding of my own submissive desires. I see how the D/s relationship between the two characters was beneficial for both of them, and how they both struggled with these deep, sometimes dark elements of themselves, and I saw myself and some of my relationships reflected. It was good to see Lee's confusion, acceptance, and her quest to make her submissive desires come to reality. It gives me hope for understanding and accepting my own someday.
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