Wednesday, December 28, 2011


It is amazing how sometimes my feelings can change so drastically over the course of a couple of hours.  Especially when I have a fucking fantastic night like last night.  Yesterday's thoughts came from a really dark place of insecurity and pain.  I almost want to delete that post, and I wish I could delete some of the things I said last night, too.  But I did feel it, and this blog is to record those thoughts.  And if I had them once, I will surely have them again, so it will remain intact to remind me.

Damascus helped me out of my tearful dark emotional void yesterday with some talk of perspective... glass half-empty/half-full sort of stuff (or kiln half full, if you are following my metaphors here). I don't want to feel like my life is in any way empty... that's SO not even true!  My life is so full of love and support and I would like to be more appreciative and grateful for it all, while still working to improve and explore to add to my experiences.  Hopefully, yesterday was a minor setback and I am back on the happy poly path again.  

Also, I got to flirt and cuddle with a cute girl and her boyfriend along with Damascus and Juesance and his partner, all in the same room, puppy pile style, and there were good happy feelings all around.  This is the fucking life I have dreamed about!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Insatiable Fears

While I think I am finally coming to terms with some of these newly experienced aspects about myself like my polyamorous nature and kinky tendencies, there are moments where I struggle still.  I think one of my greatest struggles about poly (once we take away the more superficial issues of guilt and shame that I have been fighting fairly successfully) is that it opens me up to thoughts of possibility, which can be awesome, but can also be terrifying.  My main fear is that I am insatiable. What if I am unable to be satisfied sexually, emotionally, and spiritually.  What if, upon examination, I discover that the many little needs and desires and curiosities that I have add up into a deep, unfulfillable pit of emptiness, which can never be filled?  Part of me sees this potential for emptiness and wants to stop examining it.  It is easier to want stop thinking about myself so much and turn away and hide into a more convenient life of normalcy.  That place may be numb and distant and empty too, but I wonder which emptiness is more tolerable for me... an unexplored emptiness that I can accept or an even more scary threat of emptiness that I can't possibly fill. No, the "normal" emptiness is probably not more tolerable. I have resided there for most of my life and that has been unhappy making. 

I suppose that that I should be strong and believe in myself enough to continue on this quest, believing that "the unexamined life is not worth living".  The last few years, and last few months in particular, have been a huge range of emotions, but isn't that better to live this life feeling it all, the good and the bad, and not just being numb and dead to all life has to offer? Even if I am continually seeking fulfillment without reaching it, perhaps it's good that I am thinking about it and exploring, even when it is confusing and painful.  The truth is, I am a complex person who does have many deep thoughts and needs and I am trying to self actualize, which is something that is not going to come easily, at least not without some practice and experience.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Type A

I figured that by starting to explore Polyamory and BDSM that I would be learning a lot about myself.  I guess I am a little surprised at how much soul searching it would inspire.  I mean, I figured I would learn a few new kinks or find love or attraction in new places, but it has really caused a full personal introspective examination, which was unexpected.  It has been somewhat of a challenge on an emotional level, but I am finding myself learning new skills to deal with these challenges and emotions, and also finding things that I both like and dislike about myself.

I am aware how analytic I can be about relationships and life.  This must make my loved ones go a little crazy, as I am constantly organizing and sorting people and experiences into categories. Sometimes my head feels like one of these diagrams, everything being labeled and charted as I try to make some sense of the chaos of life.  In many ways, in my life and work, I am very much a Type A Personality.  And in many ways, I see that as a good thing, and attribute it to a great deal of my success in my career, which is an important part of my life.  But I find that these same personality traits (ambitious, competitive, impatient, time and status-conscious, and controlling) which make me good at my job can be a hindrance to my social and personal life.  I haven't been too burdened by these things until becoming involved with friends and a lover who is different and more in the Type B camp. The personality clash has been a bit difficult on me, and I am probably using those Type A traits to examine it and try to figure out a solution to the anxiety it causes me.  I would like to address those qualities that make me high strung when I don't want to be and learn to be a bit more spontaneous and relaxed when I can be.

I have found my Type A qualities to be the most anxiety producing in trying to figure out what to call my non-primary relationships and my interest in kinky partners.  First of all, notice that it is anxiety producing for me to need to do those things.  Yes, this troubles me! But I understand it, when I think about it.  It's not that I need to have a name for the status, but I think that coming up with a name for the status helps me figure out how I feel.  For instance, calling someone a Friend With Benefits has a distinct quality of casual friendship plus sex.  When I started to try to put that name to a partner, it made me address how deep I was willing for my feelings to go.  Instead  of FWB, was I dating or in a Poly relationship, being open to more than a warm friendship with an occasional romp of sexy time?  I wavered between those two statuses for a couple of weeks, spending way too much time thinking about it, probably.  But I think I was really trying to figure out how I really felt about this relationship, as both descriptions felt sort of right, but sort of off, and both were scary a little bit. I settled on Polyamorous as a description, which has calmed me down and made my mind stop racing.  Which is a little ironic, because "Polyamorous" to me is a pretty broad umbrella concept that basically means that there is some sort of romantic relationship going on, but I don't know what it is exactly (and it could include FWB anyway). I guess I needed to allow myself to have a status of "undefined" to make me feel less anxious, which I realize is ridiculous.  But that's me, and that's how I am, and I can strive to try to learn to allow myself to be undefined too.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Kinky Shopping List

Fun kinky things on Etsy! Spinning BDSM Bondage Wheel by bondsofsteel

Things have been a little cold and dark and heavy here on the blog lately, which is unfortunate, because it is not really an accurate temperature of the current state of the Anagama mind.  I am actually really happy lately!  There have been a few setbacks and emotional dips, but I am generally very calm and content, feeling less of the emotional highs and lows that I have felt over the last few months.  I am meeting a lot of like minded people and having really great conversations about love and sex and kink and poly, and I am starting to really understand myself and feeling more comfortable exploring.  Sometimes the exploring triggers some difficult emotions, which I tend to purge here on the blog, because that is cathartic for me.  I think I have had some of the darkest and deepest triggers pressed lately, but I am getting through them, which tells me that I am doing really well and am healing in some of those very dark places.  But yeah, it makes it seem pretty dark overall, I think.

So, let me try to lighten up and think about more fun stuff! Lately, I have been meeting kinky people!  Lot of really wonderful, open minded people who seem so comfortable with their kinky desires and willing to talk about them freely.  Sometimes, they ask me what my interests are, but I get all shy and quiet.  Partially because I am too nervous to say and partially because I can't think or verbalize it yet.  My head spins, like it would from being on that Bondage Wheel above (which looks both terrifying and yet I am strangely curious about it, perhaps because it is terrifying!) Some of the askers are strangers, so that makes sense I feel shy, but some of them are very good friends who I want to talk to and share with, but still get hung up. I know there are things that I am definitely interested in and know that I like, and there are things that I am curious about.  I thought if I wrote them here, it might help me remember something to say if asked again, if I felt comfortable sharing.  So here goes:

 Some basic things I have tried and really like on a physical level:
having my hair pulled and being led around by my hair
being scratched with fingernails, leaving marks
spanking with open hand, some paddles and crops and belts
flogging of the bottom and back
light grasping of the neck and throat
pinching especially nipples and back and bottom
playful light restraint and struggle

So, sadly, we did not get the invite to the play party that we wanted to go to.  I had been really looking forward to it as I have been wanting to learn about more kinky things that I might be interested in and I was looking forward to the opportunity to possibly play with some of the things above with new people, and (perhaps even explore other things I didn't think to list up there).  I am starting to feel comfortable with experimenting publicly, while clothed, in a playful and exploration friendly environment.  My curiosity is really becoming intense and I am finding myself really wanting to play and have fun with these things!

Additional curiosities that I have not explored much but that interest me:

I would also really like to play with rope and pretty ropework bondage things and would also be open to that in a public setting, but only with Damascus... I think we have designated that as "our thing" for now, although I think having a mentor guide and help would be acceptable.

Clothespins and clamps, Whartenberg wheels, role play, ball gags, blindfolds, knife play, lingerie and sexy clothing play, and I am sure this list will grow as I learn more. :)

 Bondage Arm Warmers by ZenAndCoffee on Etsy

 While I think the physical activities listed above would be things I think I could play with experimentally with someone trustworthy at a play party, what I am really interested in are the more psychological aspects of some kinky activities.  These things are clearly on the submissive side of the spectrum, which makes me feel vulnerable and understandably careful. These are things I would only be interested in doing with someone I really trust and have chemistry with.  Perhaps playing with the above things would lead me to find out a little about the trust and chemistry I might have with someone, which could lead to the other things?  Probably after much negotiation and talking.

Psychological kink interests include:

Speech play, which includes dirty talk, being forced to repeat things, being forced to say what I want before it is done to me.  Also begging.

Eye contact, mostly in forcing me to make eye contact.  Also mirrors, to force me to look at myself.

Exploring my ability to have orgasms that do not involve stimulation of my genitals. I want to learn all about the things that can get me off! Sensory deprivation might be interesting here, to amplify one sense over the others.

Restraint of the hands and/or legs, being forced to sit or stand or kneel in a still position while teasing, some physical play, or speech play goes on

Following directions, taking lessons, being told what to do, especially things that are somewhat sexual, like the dirty talk or stripping or touching myself (forced masturbation could be hot).  Failure to do as told properly leads to...

Discipline and punishment. I guess this is the important kink, one that is most private and guarded.  And I have specific needs for being punished, mostly in wanting the reason to be something that challenges me.  I want to be punished for being too shy or bratty or prudish, when I am hiding behind those things in fear of my sexuality.  I do not want to be punished for being slutty or sexual, I want to be rewarded for that.  It's tricky though, because is a spanking a punishment or a reward?  I guess it depends how we play, but attention to this detail is important, psychologically.

Orgasm control.  Either making me not orgasm at my every whim so as to build up to a larger one, or making me orgasm as much as I can.  Making me count them is pretty fun, especially when I lose count.

Exploring various types of power play and mental subspace and mind-fuckery.  I guess the ultimate desire is to allow someone inside my head to poke around at the dark bits and make me look at them and deal with them, while making me feel safe and cared for.

Kinky Chain Canopy Bed by TheWelderGirl on Etsy

Something I am still confused about is the intersection of sex and kink.  I think that comes from having or having had a sexual relationship with all of the partners that I have had kinky time with.  I understand that many people play kinky for kink's sake and do not require more sexual contact to be satisfied.  All the things I listed above and are most interested in are not traditionally sexual. I can probably orgasm from any of the things listed, though, so it IS sexual for me, just not in a way that requires nakedness or exchanging of body fluids.  I would like a play partner that would not have the expectation of more overtly sexual activities, but I wonder how that works and what they get out of it. I have experienced this already with one partner, but I want to make sure that he is not an exception to the rule. I guess these are questions I should be asking some of the people I am meeting, particularly those of a more dominant persuasion.  I guess that is my new homework, to learn about the other side of the spectrum.

Monday, December 5, 2011


 Pandora is the first girl I ever kissed.  She is the first girl I had sex with.  She was the wife of Dante, and they were my first relationship after my marriage broke up.  As far as relationships go, I probably couldn't have chosen a more difficult one.  Long distance, polyamorous, my first experience with a girl, and it turned out their marriage was not as solid as it had seemed... any one of those things is difficult in a relationship, let alone all of them to someone starting a new relationship after 17 years of monogamy.  Pandora was the first girl to break my heart.

She was very sexually assertive, flirting with me heavily online, as I was building a more romantic and emotional connection with her husband.  She seemed to encourage it at first, but would have doubts and insecurities at times, which I would try to talk about with her, with some success.  At least, I felt after some of our conversations, that things were acceptable to her.  Our first meeting was when they came to my hometown for a visit and it was a little rocky at first, meeting one another for the first time, but ended blissfully with all parties seemingly content.  We later met midway in a midway state a few hundred miles away from each of us, spending the weekend together, the three of us.  That was an amazing weekend, free of drama and full of passion and friendship.  Our third meeting, in their hometown, was confusing and troubling.  Dante got sick, there was a hospital visit, and Pandora came on strongly to me but refused my reactions to what I thought were obvious advances.  I learned that a naked woman flirting and kissing me while straddling my lap is not necessarily a sexual advance. I accepted the fact that sex between us might not be happening, and I was fine with that, but it ended up happening anyway, when just as I let go of the notion, she seemed to become interested again, and after much permission asking, we all shared some sexy times together. I left feeling slightly confused by the whole trip, but otherwise content, feeling that the two of them were feeling the same way. Navigating Pandora's emotional map was difficult, and I looked to Dante for help, but frankly, I don't think he knew the answers either.

I returned home from that trip and a few days later met Modu at a party for the first time.  I hadn't been looking to meet anyone or to find myself so immediately drawn to someone, but it happened.  We had met, flirted, and kissed that night which led to a fairly slowly developing relationship over the next few months. I told Dante the next day about meeting Modu, and he was happy for me, being a true polyamorous heart whose sense of compersion kicked in immediately.  But Pandora was pissed.  I spent weeks trying to figure out why, trying to talk with her, trying to understand.  While we never discussed any sort of monogamy regarding our threesome, she angrily accused me of being promiscuous and disrespectful of her feelings.  

Soon her anger turned to accusations that she never really wanted to be sexual with me in the first place. I had been very careful to explicitly ask permission and get approval from her, finding her confusing to begin with, and knowing she had a history of sexual abuse.  To hear these hints of non-consent coming from her was soul crushing. One of my worst fears would be to coerce someone into doing something sexual that they didn't want to do, so I was extremely upset by these ideas.  Looking back, I think she wanted to hurt me and also Dante, possibly for falling for one another.  It is possible she wanted to hurt him for pressuring her into polyamory, which she may not have been fully ready or willing to engage in. In any case, it was extremely painful for me, and we spend several months not speaking... she also forced Dante and I not to speak for months.  As you might imagine, the relationship ended and never revived.  They have since divorced, a few years later, after drama with a new attempt at poly with a new relationship, amongst other things, I am sure.

While she never actually accused me of wrong doing, she said that she consented only because she didn't feel like she could say no.  Perhaps she couldn't say no because she wanted to please her husband or me, to not cause a rift in the special feelings we had been developing. Or perhaps it was a learned behavior from her abusive past, where she froze and submitted in fear when confronted with a partner wanting to have sex with her.  I don't know.  But it was heartbreaking to me to have felt like I had been careful with her and that she sincerely wanted to be with me, and then those feelings were rescinded much later.  I felt dirty and shameful, even though I didn't think I did anything wrong.

It is hard for me to understand these feelings of the inability to say no.  My personal demons have to do with being terrified of my own sexuality, and I am quite comfortable with my fear, shame, and guilt turning my default to *no*, even when I may desperately want to express that sexuality.  I can self-deny as easily as I can breathe, it is second nature, and something I am actively challenging myself to break away from.  So when someone like me, trying to assert my sexuality to overcome my fear, meets with someone who tends to shut down in fear of another's sexuality, the results can be disastrous.  In the few years that I have been working on open relationships and polyamory, the need for complete honesty, trust, and communication have been extremely important to me.  But I can only expect those things from myself and express the desire to want them from my partners.  I can't force them into it any more than I would want to force them into being intimate.  At some point, one has trust that their partners have the self confidence and inner strength to be able to say no, even in complicated situations where emotions run high and they feel pressure, and it is only sane of me to expect that truth from them.  It is clearly not always the case, though, and I don't know what to do about that.