Release

I am going to need to start writing again.  I have done a ton of exploration in the past few months and it appears that this part of my journey has come to an end, so I think it will be a good time to get into the habit of writing and processing all of the many things I have learned recently.  I am in a great deal of heartache right now, and still sorting through what has happened, but I am sure I will have more insight on that as I think and process. I have one immediate concern that I want to write about today, the first thing I need to address in the changes in my life... my release from orgasm control.

 For the past four months, I have been under strict orgasm control. I have taken this aspect of power exchange very seriously, even though the one who had the control would probably not have known if I cheated or was untrue, as he didn't live with me, didn't witness my orgasms, and mostly just trusted my word.  We trusted each other in this game, and I loved it. The frustration, the wanting, the guiding of fantasies, the unexpected text messages to drop what I was doing to cum, the addition of anal training and masochistic explorations, the demands for orgasms in multiple and in unexpected places, or with tasks tied to them so they were rewards... I adored all of it. I loved asking to cum, begging to cum, thanking him for the orgasms he allowed me, and pleasuring myself on his command. I absolutely loved it all, much more than I expected I would, and it became a part of my sexuality over the last few months.

The control lasted longer than I thought it would. It is an intense daily activity to engage in.  Near the end, I think it started to get routine and boring for him, it became a burden.  Nevertheless, during the last few weeks, we did some really fun tasks as part of the O control.  I had a weekend where I could cum as many times as I wanted, just not in my house, and I documented it with pics for FetLife, which seemed to be appreciated. And I did a couple of creative photos of and drawings on my body in order to cum as a reward, pictures of which were also posted to Fet. A couple of those hit the Kinky and Popular pages, which was a huge ego boost!  The picture where I had to cum for every comment or "love" had dozens and dozens of replies, which was crazy fun for sadistic friends and voyeuristic strangers alike. We had a lot of fun with this aspect of our dynamic, but it has had to come to an end.

Some very primal and intense things happen with orgasm control of that intensity and length of time.  I am sure it is different for everyone. For me, it added to my obsession, my devotion, and my connection with my Keeper, as I dedicated this very raw and sexual aspect of myself to him.  I let him into my fantasies... to be my fantasies, I showed him my deepest desires, and opened myself up to the vulnerability of my sexual core.  This is a thing that I learned I should do only with someone I deeply trust, it was incredibly intimate for me. It fed into my exploration of myself as a pleasure slave, dedicating each orgasm to him, my pleasure becoming my service to him. That is a very intense thing to give to someone, and for me, it became integral to my experience and discovery of my slave heart.  This was not about being submissive for a limited period of time, it was about serving another person, with my entire body and sexuality, giving that aspect entirely to someone else.

Unfortunately, it had to come to an end, unceremoniously.  I believe the responsible thing for someone who has been trained in this way would be to be trailed off of the O control, but that did not happen.  As much of a mind fuck as the control itself could be at times, having it abruptly end with no communication at all is very jarring and painful, a seriously cruel mind fuck.  So now I am trying to figure out, on my own, how to take my orgasms back into my own control. Honestly, I don't even want it, I am so used to having another decide for me, and loving giving up that control.  But I have to put myself on a path of a normal life again, as I am forced to let go of the slave role I had been building with him.

My first solo orgasm was done out of spite.  I was still holding on to hope that things might work out, but I was hurting and starting to understand that they wouldn't.  I hadn't received contact for a couple of days, and felt abandoned, so I chose to masturbate, against the Rules and structure that was crumbling around me.  I felt a little guilty afterwards, but I was also angry at the situation.  As I began to understand the situation, that things were ending, and that this aspect was going to simply cease on his part, I started to take matters into my own hands. I am now working on controlling my orgasms on my own, forcing myself to cum once or twice a day, reclaiming my fantasies, trying to find delight in self pleasure on my own terms. As I am released from my role and relationship with him, I am struggling in finding my own sexual release again. But I am relearning what that means to me, so that maybe one day I will be able to serve someone else with it. If there is a next time, I will be more careful to who I give my trust to, because I am now more aware of how much I need to trust to share with someone who really deserves me and my slave heart and body.

Change and Acceptance

It has been a long time since I have written and there have been a lot of changes in my life, so I should probably be journaling more regularly.  I am at the point where I have SO much going on in my head about these changes, I don't know where to even start writing. While I have been talking about my thoughts to a variety of people, it still helps quite a bit to actually write things down to help get my head together.  Lately, I have also been making art that is related to my journey, which I am enjoying very much.  It is good to be bringing my life and my art together and expressing my thoughts that way for a change.

So the first major thing that is going on right now has to do with my living situation and thinking about what I want in a primary relationship. I am living in the house I bought with my ex-husband.  It became mine in the divorce and I still have a lot of bitterness and resentment wrapped up in these walls.  It is especially challenging because the economy has the house very far underwater so I tend to feel trapped here, because selling is not likely.  I know it is a decent house and I have worked really hard in the past few years to improve and make it more my own, but that is hard to do after living with someone for a decade.  I have had help from my family and friends and Damascus in reclaiming this place to be my own.  But I still struggle with it daily. I can go along for a while, working and living here happily, but then I am reminded that I am stuck here and it makes me unhappy and I sometimes panic.

In the past few months, Damascus has been spending more time here and we talked about him moving in.  I was hesitant but we thought we would give it a try.  I hate to admit it, but his moving in stirred up a lot of emotional shit for me.  I am still in the process of really reclaiming this place, and have never really had time entirely to myself here, as just a few months after my ex moved out, my brother moved in, and then as he was moving out (which was a slow process), Damascus was partially moving in.  Having him here with me almost all the time has made it clear that I really need to have lots of time and space on my own and am not ready to live with a romantic partner. I have frustrations of simply selfishly not wanting to share my space and stuff, and then feeling guilty about not being more giving and domestic. Not only do I feel the ghosts and triggers of my past, but I have been forced to really look at my life and figure out what I really want (as well as Damascus's needs) in a relationship.

I think I have been trying, for decades really, to fit myself into this box of what a good "normal" girlfriend or wife should be. I am child free by choice and while I have kept an open mind all of these years to all the people who tell me that one day I will want kids... I never have.  And I feel some guilt about that... I feel selfish.  I truly don't want to be a mother, and if I did, I found out last year that my body is not able to have a baby without surgery and recovery, so that really sealed that potential decision for me.  I also don't want to be a wife again.  In retrospect, I really didn't want to be married the first time around, but I gave in to the pressure of my both my ex and society.  It is hard for me to admit that I don't want these things that all little girls seem to dream of. But I don't want to be a traditional wife or mother, and I really need to start understanding this and stop hating myself for being who I am. I want so badly to fit in the "normal" box, but I don't, and that should be ok with me.  Others seem to accept it and even overjoy in being not normal, I wish I could.

I know Damascus wants to have a wife and kids someday.  He will be a great husband and father.  He is a good boyfriend and a good roommate, even.  It is so hard to ask him to move out when he is doing everything right... it's just not right for me.  We are still going to be together, but we both need to seek out what we need in our lives that we can't get from one another.  I need independence in my living space and to explore the kinds of non-traditional relationships that I can thrive in.  And I think he needs to think about his future and finding the kind of partner who is can fulfill his dreams. Our relationship is bound to change, as he moves out, but I hope that we can continue to grow together while we seek the other things we need.  I love him very much and this is not easy, but clearly, the things that I need and want are not easy or simple or normal.  And I am trying to accept that about myself.

Rules Please

It is yet another paradox of power exchange for me that I feel a sense of freedom when presented with structure, protocol, and rules. I think it is because while I have become a lot more intuitive and understanding of the expectations in my friendships, romantic relationships, poly and even some kinky relationships... I am thrown off by the expectations in this growing power exchange dynamic. Part of that is by design, especially as we poke around in M/s territory. Part of the dynamic is about me giving up control and not negotiating the details in advance, so I am left in either a state of waiting for orders or understanding what is expected of me and just doing. But because we are in the early stages, not all the rules and expectations are clear yet. In fact, most of them are not. They are being made up as we go. I don't seek rules to know what is planning to be done to me, really.  It's not about negotiating a scene or knowing what is going to happen.  I think it is about wanting to know my place, wanting to be sure I am being of service. wanting to know that I am meeting expectations. I think it is less about what is happening to me and more about what I am doing for them.

I have found that it is my tendency is to hold back, partially from my insecurity about these expectations. I have been burned by pushing too hard and misinterpreting the level of power exchange with others so I have learned to step back and be sure of what is happening instead of leaping in and letting it take control of me like I really want to do. I have made mistakes and overestimated the intent of others, and that's embarrassing and painful to feel like the foolish subby girl who gets all dreamy over misinterpretations. I have wanted to submit so badly in the past that it has blinded me into seeing a dynamic that wasn't really there and was not capable of sustaining my needs. And even now, I hold back a little, despite clear evidence of a potential dynamic, burdened by the fear of repeating my previous mistakes.

But it has become clear that this is definitely a thing that we are moving towards. After all of my worry about recognizing if this IS real or not, now I wonder if I can live up to the dream, if I can play the game. I have tasted enough to think I can do it, but a dark part of me doesn't know if I have what it takes. And my instincts are all messed up so I want to prove myself, but am too afraid to do things that might break rules or expectations, which isn't fair because I don't know exactly what those are entirely. My path has brought me into unfamiliar territory and while I am eager to learn more about slavehood and higher protocols and structure, it is very new and unknown, so I am struggling to keep up and understand.

So the three of us talked and they decided that I do need some rules and structure, and I was excited and terrified to hear that they are actually writing some for me. It is a relief in many ways, as I think it will give me that freedom to express myself and my submission better if I have some boundaries to know when I am being appropriate. I hope that some rules will give me clear commands and expectations, which could make me become very obedient and submissive or which could lead to brattiness, testing, and punishment.  More clarity will help me express myself, I hope, in the forms my submission and slave tendencies might take. 

I have some fear that I will not be able to meet their needs and demands, even in this early stage of development. What if I am not strong enough, what if I cant agree to what they seek, what if I am not kinky or masochistic enough? I worry that I am not... enough. Always with so many questions and worries and self doubt. But I wait patiently and try not to worry too much this time.  Despite the questioning, I am feeling surprisingly calm and content, and I know we have communicated well, even through some tough times, and we seem to be able to adapt to one another's needs and wants, so I try to keep that in mind and it eases the chatter in my brain, restoring it with some confidence that the fun and excitement has exceeded any of the uncertainty and pain. It will be good to know more of what they expect of me, and it will be good to discover if I can provide it to them.

Caged

So, I slept in a cage over the weekend!

I spent a few days at a beautiful cottage on the lake with some of my kinky family. It was a nice place, roomy, with lots of places to sleep. There was a bed big enough for Damascus and I. But they also set up the cage for me to sleep in. They made it all comfy, with a padded bottom and a comforter, and it was rather roomy for me to crawl into and curl up in comfortably.  We have been toying around with cage fantasies for months now, but here it was, set up in the room for me.  I felt like it was my choice if I wanted to sleep in it or not.  But I also felt like it was a bit of a test.  Was I really committed to sleeping in a cage for the whole night, or would I chicken out and choose the more comfortable option of the full bed? I wanted very much to sleep in the cage though, for reasons I didn't really understand, so I did spend the majority of two nights sleeping in it.  I have returned home and slept in my own bed for a night, so now I am processing the cage experience and what it means to me.

I have determined some things that it is not about.  It's not about any kind of animal play.  I don't go into puppy or kitty mode, want to have a tail or ears, or adopt some animal pet type persona.  I felt a little like a hamster, but it's just that being all bunched up in the blankets, burrowing myself a comfy little spot, reminded me of the Russian Dwarf hamsters I had many years ago and how they behaved.  I brought a water bottle, some tissues, and a few other creature comforts into the cage with me, which reminded me of how my hamsters would stash seeds and food in the corner of their cages. Those were just fond memories, though... I do not feel like a kinky hamster or other creature at all.  I can relate some of my feelings of being caged to animals, as reference, but it's not about animal play.

I also didn't feel like it was a punishment or imprisonment. I wasn't being excluded from anything.  I wasn't in "trouble".  While I don't think I would mind being put in a cage as a form of punishment, this isn't how it felt.  I fantasize about that sometimes, too. I like the idea of being bratty or overly aroused and being confined to my cage, not allowed to play or please myself, controlled and restricted to a confined space. But that didn't seem to be what the cage was about this weekend, not for me, and not for them either, I don't think.

When I was in the cage, I felt protected and safe.  I felt like it was a special place that I could be kept.  And that seems appropriate, as we have been using the word Keeper to describe his role of dominance. The cage was placed on the floor at his feet where they slept in the bed.  I felt comfortable, yet I felt controlled.  It reminded me of the place I like to be with them, on the floor, on my knees, near their feet. The cage was not locked by anyone, but as I went in, I closed the latch myself, and that made me feel secure and content. If we can go back to he caged animal idea, I think it made me feel more like an exotic bird or pet, like some kind of precious, colorful, wild creature who needs a cage for safety and protection in order to be kept.  I also felt like I could be a beautiful specimen, put on display and kept comfortable and content until it was time to perform or be shown off at their whim. And if we bring it back to humanity, thinking about being a odalisque or pleasure slave, I felt like I could be an exquisite human pet, an item of prestige, one who is kept for another's pleasure.  It is sort of an objectifying feeling, but being an "object" that brings pleasure to others is very appealing to me. 

The first night, I had a hard time falling asleep.  I struggled to be comfortable enough to sleep, which would have likely happened in a strange place in a room full of people anyway.  The metal of the cage made it a little cold near my skin.  I liked feeling the metal against me, but the temperature was just too chilly for me.  After a while of struggling, I finally got up to pee, as my bladder was bothering me too, and I pulled a comforter into the cage with me.  That put me right to sleep for the second half of the night.  I woke up when she got up and out of bed, then dozed off a while longer, and then woke up again a little before he did. I heard him moving and getting out of bed and I started making little noises against the bars of the cage to remind him where I was.  The smallest movements, touching the metal with my hands and feet, made little clinky metallic sounds that got his attention.  He seemed happy and smiled when he got out of bed, naked, and came to the cage to see me curled up inside.  He left to join the others for a while and then I asked Damascus to ask him to let me out after I dozed off again for a while.  While I didn't get put into or locked into the cage (we decided I should snuggle Damascus to sleep so he wasn't lonely and left out before I caged myself) I definitely didn't want to uncage myself in the morning.  It seemed like a nice morning ritual, to ask for permission to leave the cage.

The second night, I took longer to get into the cage.  I had a migraine before bed and wanted it to clear before getting in the cage. I drank a lot of water to rehydrate and knew I would have to pee several times. I wanted to give Damascus extra snuggles too.  So I laid in the bed with him for quite some time until I felt him fall asleep. But before I fell asleep too hard in the bed, I caged myself up again and then I slept well.  Very late in the night/early morning I heard the two of them moving around on the bed and it stirred my fantasies and thoughts.  I got very aroused and couldn't sleep for quite some time, my brain active in thought and questions and imagery.  I wanted to masturbate, but I would have had to ask him permission.  I delighted for a while in that thought. I wanted to orgasm, I was "locked" away in a cage in the same room where the two people who I am allowed to orgasm with, either by relationship or by permission.  It was a torturous delight to think about that.  I finally fell asleep and had even more erotic dreams.

When he woke up out of bed the second morning, I rose to my knees as he came to the side of the cage to wish me a good morning.  He put his fingers between the bars and I licked and sucked on them as he stood naked above me.  I asked him if I could have an orgasm and he said "yes you may", so I laid back down in the cage, spreading my legs for him as he sat on the side of the bed, watching me very eagerly finger myself to orgasm, finally relieving the sexual tension that had built up all night.  He looked pleased as I moaned and writhed, naked, clutching at the bars of the cage while I watched him watch me.  I did a few things especially for him while I had his undivided attention, because I know he likes it: I slid my fingers inside a few times and licked my fingers clean after I came.  When I was finished, he opened he cage door for me, pet my head and called me a good girl, and sent me up to the bed to snuggle with Damascus, who was still sort of sleeping.

While I had been fantasizing about cages on my own for a while and with him for a few months, I wasn't sure how I would like it in reality.  It effected me quite strongly and am pleased to find that my instincts about liking being caged were correct.  I liked it even more than I thought and I hope to incorporate being caged into even more of my fantasies now.

A Year's Time

Today is the one year anniversary of my blog! I have been scrolling back through the posts and pages and the changes I have been through in this year are really amazing.  I started the blog around the same time I signed up for FetLife.  I had a handful of friends there and so many questions.  A year ago I was ready to start to explore but I was absolutely terrified about it. I have worked through issues of shame and guilt and fear, not that those feelings don't come back (more often than I would like), but I like to think I am learning to navigate them better.

In the last year, Damascus and I have opened up our relationship. We have opened up our minds and hearts to some wonderful people. We have made dozens of new friends and have shared intimate details together. We have shared our bodies with a few of them, both together and on our own. I have fallen in and out of love and learned about the range of emotion and relationships that I am capable of having.  I have ended relationships and have have been broken up with.  I have learned to introspect and try to make sense of the jumble in my head and heart and to do my best to communicate it. I have challenged my sexuality, thought about it in relationship to men and women, and focused on what really gets me off. I have pushed myself to learn about pain and sensation and what it means to my sexual self.  And through those experiences, I have learned that it is an exchange of power that I have been seeking.

In the last year I went from being very modest with my body and clothing to feeling comfortable walking around in front of people in stages of undress.  I have been naked in a room full of people. I have been beyond naked: undressed and submissive in front of others, which is even more vulnerable than nude in a crowded room. I went from being too shy to have pictures taken and showing images of myself to regularly posting and sending erotic and exposing pictures to others. I went from being terrified of going to a play party for the first time to regularly attending and playing at such events, and we have hosted several of our own. I went from feeling completely alone in this lifestyle, afraid to speak up and reveal myself, to having a hundred and a half new friends on FetLife.

I still have lots of questions, but they are new. So many things have become clearer to me in the last year.  I know that writing and blogging has helped.  I think I may start sharing more of my writings on FetLife.  My blog site seems very public, in some ways, because it is out in the open on the web.  But it is a bit of a well kept secret that I think only a few people who are close to me read.  Posting to Fet, with all my new friends potentially reading, is much more vulnerable, because it is not just the world wide web, it's the people in my community that I am exposing myself to. I am ready to start living this journey out loud, sharing it more, and talking with more people about it, receiving questions and getting help with finding the answers to the questions I have. It's time.

Fear of a Word

Ok, it's time to face the big scary kinky elephant in the room. As I read the Code d' Odalesque, I realized how much it resonated with me. I loved just about everything about it and started to get totally lost in this fantasy of me in the roles that are in the Code.  There were a few hours there where I was blissfully wandering around in my fantasies, seeing all the possibilities. Things started to make sense.  And then reality started to hit me.  And I got very scared.  

First I was scared about getting lost in a fantasy world and not being grounded in reality. And then I talked with Damascus a bit about how reality actually sucks.  And the fantasy lives we lead can be good for us, especially if we stay aware about what we need to do in the real world and can keep the fantasy in perspective while swimming around in exploring it.  And that made me feel better.

And then I got scared again, for another reason.  If I can accept this role that appeals to me, the Odalisque fantasy, what does it mean in my real life and relationships?  Is this what has been studying and learning and searching for all these months and years? Is there anyone else willing to play in my fantasy world with me? And have I actually found those people? I don't know if I was more scared to think that I actually have found them or that such people might never exist. Because if this is a possibility to others, too, that is another step in making the fantasy a sometimes reality, and that can be scary as well.  And also potentially awesome.

And then there is the matter of that word.  That scary word that I couldn't even consider. Slave. When we would talk, she told me she didn't think I was a submissive.  This confused me so much, but she didn't explain more.  I had to figure it out myself.  I thought she questioned my submissive tendencies.  They are so clear to me.  I thought she meant I was simply a bottom, or maybe just a pain slut, or maybe that I wasn't even kinky at all, and that was so confusing to me... but that's not what she meant.  She didn't question my submissiveness, I think she saw that it ran deeper than it would in a D/s relationship. She didn't tell me, probably because she knew I would disagree. And I still might.  But I started reading this Code and all the parts about giving up control, all the structure and the protocol and surrender... it is starting to feel right, in this context.

I have a deep need to surrender and also to provide service, but only in very specific ways.  To me, a "slave" has always meant one that gives up full control, 24/7, of everything.  That is not appealing to me and not a possibility in my life, even if it was.  But what I didn't really realize was that one can be a certain kind of slave.  One can be a sexual slave, which is what the Code d Ode is essentially about.  Pleasure slave, passion slave, cock slave, odalisque. Being in service to someone can be very narrow in scope, without effecting the other parts of a slave's life like career, family, friends, and romantic relationships. This never occurred to me before. And so I never looked past the term submissive.

So what is the difference between a submissive and a slave?  This is a complex question and I think it will be something I will be thinking about and defining for a long time.  But I think for me, I am seeing the difference in the ways in which I wish to exchange power and interact.  As a submissive, I expressed myself in scenes, in completing tasks, in negotiating short periods of time in power exchange. With past Doms, there was a specific start and end to each interaction, a goal that was discussed and reached and the interaction was complete. I enjoyed those interactions, but when they were done, there was often sadness, and yearning for more, for the next task, the next scene.

But something changed when he told me that he was in charge of my orgasms. Part of me laughed a little at him, figuring it would be a short lived game that we would play, and he would lose interest.  But deep inside, I wanted it to be real, I wanted to do that with him, I wanted him to take that control.  I playfully resist and tease and whine brattily about it, but it is real to me, and I dove in fully and take it quite seriously, actually. I don't question it, I give it freely, and it feeds me day to day. When I wake up each morning, I don't question when I might orgasm, or how, or even IF I will. That decision is kept in his hands, and have eagerly accepted that, with very little fighting actually, for almost two months now. I want to show him that I can do it, that I want it, and that this is just the first step in the possibilities of a power exchange. I have come to realize that all might be beyond submissive.  That might be slave-like.

Oh but there is that "slave" word again!  It still rubs me wrong.  I still have ideas about what it means that don't apply to me.  But if I define further and say "pleasure slave"... that makes it easier to swallow. And if we switch languages and use the more romantic Turkish word "odalisque" then that makes it even easier for me to accept.  And on the flip side, the word "Master" gives me similar issues, as I don't seek someone who exemplifies what that role means to me.  But if we use "Slave Keeper" it is a little easier.  And then simply down to just "Keeper"... well that's a word I can actually relate to.  (plus it makes me think about Harry Potter and Quidditch! kinky goalie, anyone?) He does keep my orgasms for me.  hehe.  And I can see him keeping me protected, keeping me exploring and learning, and in return, me being kept to please him. Ugh, and I thought admitting to the terms Dom and sub were hard! But I think I am on the right path, and once I found it, they encouraged me and seem to think I am on the right path too.  I really did have to find it myself.

And I get ready to click publish and share these thoughts, and there is still fear.  Is this fucking crazy?  I would love some feedback here, please call me out on my insanity, if you see it...

Code d Ode Notes

I am posting these rough notes I took while reading the Code d' Odalisque.  Not a lot of firm thoughts, just some observations and things I am drawn to about it.

Things that resonate about the Code d'Ode with me:

The pleasure slave is kept as an object of beauty to provide pleasure for one Keeper, wanting to serve and be used for his desires.  The pleasure slave does not serve domestically in terms of cleaning, chores, and other such service and she does not give up total power and control, it is specifically sexual and sensual in scope with specific times in service and out of service. Enjoyment of pleasure and high art, artful and creativity inducing rules and activities are an intrinsic part of the Code. Odalisques are treated with respect and pampered in a fantasy of life of luxury. They are held in esteem, not just one of many, and are cherished for their sexuality and cock worshipping skills.

These are things that we have been doing or fantasizing about that are Code-like:

Desire for cock worship
Having my orgasms owned by him, total orgasm control
Having me be naked around house when possible
Being shared with others (with kinky play at parties)
Put on display as an object of beauty or sexuality flaunted but not ridiculed
Kissing and licking and sucking of his hands and fingers
Punishment (or threat of) caging, confinement, silence, bondage, holding positions
Caging to show ownershi, but not in an abusive way... looking pretty in a cage
Discipline and obedience to cultivate proper slave mind and action
Guidance towards refinement of manners and etiquette (curbing my brattiness)
Training sexually to suit his desires (anal training)
Having an over mistress or slave trainer to care for and train slave properly
Prepping (grooming) of Keeper by slave (undressing, dressing)
Interest in positions, commands, gestures and protocol
Obedience and respect
Begging and pleading
Wanting to be tutored and trained
Decorating the body (drawing)
Control of clothing and appearance
Crawling on hands and knees
Encouraged to be sexual and to beg for cock
Training of making drinks for pleasure and serving
Torture by pleasure as means of control
Entertainment by odalisque (hosting parties)
Massage (wanting to rub his feet, scratching his back, finding pleasure spots)
Displays of lust, speaking lewdly, forced eye contact while doing these things and while masturbating
Dedication to one Master, not to be freely taken like a slut but wanting to have guided experiences
Inspection and adoration as scene

Things I am very curious about from the Code:

Marking ceremony tattoo or branding
Ordeals, setting goals for fulfilling fantasies
Black pearls as reward for ordeals
Mantra chant for simplification of thoughts
Glory holes and dreamboxes
Use of charitable donation for slave "trade"

Code d' Odalisque

In my quest to figure out what my role is in the BDSM world, my journey brought me to thinking about where my submissive fantasies lie. I tend to be sexually submissive and I am creative in my submission, but I am without desires for domestic types of service. Through this path, I started to think about women who submit and serve men in the genres of the erotic arts and a whole world opened up to me.  My mind has been filled with images of geishas, courtesans, concubines, muses, harems, and pleasure slaves. Through this, I stumbled upon a document called the Code d' Odalisque.  It is basically a manual for the training of a contemporary pleasure slave, called an odalisque.  It is a code with all the documents for role play consensual slavery. From my first bit of research, it looked interesting in concept, so I downloaded the document and read it in its entirety during our recent road trip.

This document is a compilation of the original Code, which was written around the 1990s, started by a group of people in Australia. It is a little hard to read, as it is compiled from various appendixes and sources and it badly needs some editing, as it is very repetitive. Conceptually, the Code d' Ode appears to be a bit of a reaction to the harshness of other BDSM genres such as Gor and more traditional Old Guard D/s and M/s relations. It removes most of the pain and sadomasochism from the role play, and focuses more on sex. It is very elegant system of rules, protocols, and etiquette for the cultivation of a cock worshipping slave who is skilled in all things erotic and who is treated like a luxury.

 I became immediately fascinated with this Code as I started to learn about it.  Other than the absence of impact and pain (which I do enjoy in some amount) I was really drawn to almost every other aspect of it.  While I have had a very mild interest in Gor, it has turned me away pretty quickly in its aesthetics and severe approach.  The things I like most about Gor: the structure, protocol, and positions, are also evident in Code d' Ode, but with a different twist. I started reading about the Code positions, and the first is a variation on the Venus on the Half Shell by Botticelli.  For this artist and art history nerd, I was instantly in love.  In fact, much of the Code seems to focus on art and refined eroticism, which is very appealing.  I have been studying the Artist/Muse relationship as a form of power exchange, so it plays into that as well. The focus is on submissive females engaging in cock worship and sexuality as an art form, set around themes of Ancient Turkish and Oriental harems with a proper Victorian style and some French refinements.

I feel a deep connection to the odalisque role and have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about how to incorporate this Code into my life... both my kink life and my art life. I have felt the need to bring these aspects of my life together somehow, but I haven't been able to figure out how to do this until this discovery.

The really fun thing has been discovering how much of this Code I have already been actively doing, fantasizing about, and wanting.  Particularly in playing with Mr. Toy.  Now we are learning about it together and it's super exciting (and a little scary).  I have been taking notes as I have been reading and I will try to organize them into a more detailed blog post outlining some of the parts of the Code that interest me in particular.  Until then, I have been told to learn the positions, as we will start to incorporate those very soon in our social gatherings and play!  Squee!

Service and Obedience

I started writing this post several weeks ago and I never finished it.  I was reminded of it when I saw a post on Fet Life from a popular kinky podcaster who had some of the same revelations inspired by the same book in the third paragraph, so I came back to find this post still relevant, but with some updated thoughts I can add.

I have been thinking a lot about the forms that my submissive desires take.  This has been a challenge to me in many ways.  I read about other submissive types and the things they seem to desire or are asked to do by their Dominants.  I see and read a lot of things on FetLife and I try some of those roles and activities on in my mind.  Not a whole lot of it sticks and grabs me hard enough to fantasize about, but when they do, I start to crave and obsess about them frequently.  It is clear to me that my desires are beyond parties and occasional playtimes, I seek something longer term and consistent with someone special.

I have been reading a book called Conquer Me which has been very helpful in my understanding. In one chapter, the author talked about different kinds of submission, a popular type involving service.  When I read about service types of submission, I have a hard time relating, especially if it is domestic type service in nature.  I can comprehend the want to serve someone in such a way, to make someone's life easier, and even sexualizing domestic types of service, but those things don't appeal to me. In fact, they turn me off. And they are kind of triggery, particularly when it reminds me of my marriage.  I have done enough cleaning, cooking, and serving people in my life in marriage and in retail work, and have been unappreciated for it in a way that makes me feel resentful and uninterested in including it in my kink in any way.

I was controlled in those domestic ways, but ignored in sexual ways, so sexual approaches to submission are appealing. It makes me feel cared for, desired, and treasured to let someone have control of my sexuality for a scene, or an afternoon, or longer. I think it is because I know that someone is thinking about me as a sexual being, even if it is a sexual object or possession or toy that I become. I enjoy the thought of being trained by someone to suit their sexual needs.  I love being demanded to have orgasms at his whim, many times a day, and while it of course brings me pleasure, I think more about him getting the pleasure out of controlling when I orgasm, and that is what excites me most. It pleases me to please someone who asks such things of me. Even when it seems degrading or excessive or sadistic, every time I feel like I am giving this kind of sexual service, I feel very satisfied.

The author writes about service and sexual submission and also of obedience as being ways to be submissive. I find myself feeling sexually submissive, and I crave to be obedient in a sexual way too.  I guess it doesn't seem like it, in play, because I am a terrible brat.  And bratting is very fun and probably a part of my personality that lets me not take all of this so seriously.  But I really want Mr. Toy to knock the brat out of me when we play, I think.  I want to see that look in his eye or the sound of his voice that lets me know he is serious and I want to surrender to it. Sometimes, that might be me fighting and testing his dominance, but most of the time, I think it is me fighting myself.  And maybe testing my submissiveness. Maybe I need to keep proving the reason for this D/s dance, maybe I need to brat and act up because I am a little too afraid of facing the things that I really want. But I am feeling more and more submissive towards him, as we continue with our orgasm control exercise on a daily basis. And if I was finally faced with a sexual demand from him (within our limits and with the proper permissions) I do not doubt that I would obediently submit to providing him pleasure. That is the thing I seek right now, over and above my own sexual needs. That is the thing I seek: to please.

I am learning more about what my role might be in the world of kink. He and Alpha Domme are guiding me into finding my answers by myself and I am starting to get into some really interesting places in my mind and in my research. I am starting to feel a little bit more clear about things so I have been recently full of epiphanies and deep thoughts. I am trying to stay calm, because it is very scary and vulnerable and I desire it so much it so much, it makes me a little anxious and crazy sometimes. I have some more reading to do and then I hope to write a bit about some of the research on submissive and slave types that have been inspiring me. Maybe this research will help me to focus on who and what I am and what I am seeking.

Evolution

I have been evolving.  I am not exactly sure what I am evolving into, but I feel very happy and content in a very deep way.  It's sometimes confusing and I often have questions, but I am trying to not be too overwrought about them and am concentrating on enjoying the experience and the evolution.

The details of my submission (if that is the word to use... i can't think of anything more appropriate) have become very personal to me.  I sometimes share them with people very close to me with a hushed glee and intense joy.  I am not ashamed or embarrassed of the things I am doing and being asked to do.  They are deeply erotic and satisfying to me.  But they feel very personal and I am feeling more protective and private about them. I don't seem to have the need to write about the events and acts to process them right now.  I am simply enjoying reveling in the experiences. Sometimes I am so happy that I get scared to express it, for fear of it vanishing. But mostly I want to live in the moment and enjoy it as much as I can.

I have felt the need for everything else to slow down.  I have felt the need for the static and noise to quiet down.  I am not looking for partners for play or for dating.  I am not seeking romance or other sexual exploration with new partners and all my other intimate relationships have ended or have paused. I am content with my love relationship with Damascus and this thing-that-we-don't-have-to-define with Mr Toy and his Alpha Domme and I don't want anything else.  These dynamics are enough to keep me very challenged and content. It is a complex thing that I want, and I am aware that it is a lot to ask of Damascus. I have hope that it is possible to have all the things, with patience and communication and time.  I also hope that the complexity of it all will start to become something that is simple to understand.  I wish to explore these things and I am feeling like I have found some special people to explore them with.

I am not sure when I will write again.  Perhaps as I continue to comprehend the paradoxes of finding freedom in giving up control, I will need to sort things out more. Perhaps I will someday write from a place of gratitude and clarity, secure in my submission and able to express it clearly and eloquently. For now, I wish to submerge myself fully in the evolution and try to continue to embrace it as I learn more about myself in the process.

Paradox of Greed

I am endlessly fascinated with the paradoxes I feel when thinking about my submissive desires.  In particular, my mind spins about why I find erotic power control so liberating and incredibly hot, when it feels like it should be oppressive. One might think that being under someone else's control for when you can and can't orgasm would feel frustrating and intrusive.  And it does sometimes.  But still, I crave it.  And each day, as I have had to ask for permission, or demanded to stop what I am doing to have an orgasm at his whim, or have been denied pleasure, I eagerly accept that control and revel in it.  I have rarely felt so incredibly aroused, had such incredible orgasms on my own, or had such anticipation for sexual gratification, especially when the sex is at my own hand.

Of course the thinker in me wants to know why, how, WHY.  But I am letting that go.  I have spoken to many thoughtful and wise people lately about such things and the main thing I have gathered is that for whatever reason, I want this type of power exchange.  I crave it, and have for years.  And it is fun and it reflects my personality and I let it embrace me and love to be able to submit to it.  I know that I use it to challenge myself, sometimes in ways that I don't fully understand, and it makes me think about so many things.  But most of all, it pleases me.  It pleases me to please someone else by giving over a part of myself to him. And this thing I have right now looks the most like this nebulous idea of submission that I have been forming for many years, and it feels wonderful that it seemed to happen so spontaneously and organically. And I want to greedily own this, even when it requires the paradox of letting go and sacrificing to someone else in order to have it.

 I am trying to truly enjoy these moments, not to burden myself with all of those endless questions that continually strive to answer.  I am learning the answers reveal themselves in the process, and there will always be more questions.  And the process is one that I wish to accept and enjoy minute by minute.  I want to let go of all my expectations and worries about longevity and abandonment that tend to plague me and just submit to this... This feeling, This thing that I am enjoying, right now in This moment.

 I dunno, maybe I am an attention whore.  Maybe I am a greedy girl who requires a lot of maintenance.  Maybe I am a wanna-be slut that needs external permission to indulge my desires. And maybe none of it fucking matters, because I am having so much sexy fun and it makes me feel incredibly happy and content. I can own all of those things because I want them and I can accept that I want them.


P.S. I looked through my archives and read my post on Greed from close to a year ago, and am so thrilled at how much I have grown and changed since then! Yay, me!

Orgasm Control

 It's a little blurry how this started. I know I was feeling a bit blue and sort of lost that day. While we were texting, I told him these things, because he asked, and he cheered me up. He told me I should go and make myself feel better by giving myself an orgasm. That was a new twist to our afternoon texts! It caught me a little by surprise. And while I have been very cautious not to be a wet noodle and have been feeling guarded about my subby feelings... there was a very sexy man thinking sexy thoughts about me and wanting me to make myself feel good... and that sounded like a great idea to me. He wasn't some random guy getting my noodles all wet... it was Mr. Toy... and I have already been dabbling in these subby feelings for him. There is something very undeniably erotically exciting about being commanded to masturbate, even though, at this point, it was more of a suggestion. So I guess that is where it started.

And so I took myself to bed and stripped down and settled in with my vibrator.  He gave me a fantasy to think about and I orgasmed right away. He praised me and I got up and dressed and went back to work. A few minutes later, he suggested I try for another. Really? Hell, why not? I thought.  I had a really hard day the day before and some self love helped a few minutes ago, so why not try again? And did I mention how hot it is for someone to command that I masturbate?  This time still wasn't a command, but clearly, after I just had one, it was a little more than a suggestion.  It was a push, perhaps a little show of power, maybe something to fuck with my mind and body a bit, from the safety of a text message.  Whatever it was, I went back to bed, pulled my pants down, and went another round.  And it was good!

Over the next few days, the texts became less like suggestions and more clear that he was taking charge of my orgasms (at least the ones I was having on my own... not the ones that involve my relationship with Damascus).  And I was letting him. We didn't sit down and have a long conversation about it, about his intentions and plans.  We didn't negotiate this.  It just started to happen, and it's so organic and thrilling and I think it's something I felt I have wanted to try for a long time but didn't quite know how to ask.  And it feels more fitting that it simply be required of me, in the right place, at the right time, instead of me having to actually ask for it.

One day he pondered whether he should "let" me cum that morning.  Which almost made me orgasm from the thought.  Luckily, he did let me.  And each day he has had something new to add. He has given me fantasies to think about while I play with myself.  He has required that I tell him a fantasy before he lets me cum.  One day after a few very sexy messages back and forth, I was so turned on, I felt like I might be able to squirt, and told him so, and he told me I should try. And I tried my new Hitachi attachment and holy shit, I did it!  By myself!  He wanted photo evidence of the mess I made, which I obediently provided.  He told me to taste it, which I also did, diligently. Today he insisted that I needed to squirt again, and I was worried I might not be able to do it on command.  But I did (and in a very big way), and perhaps it was the command that made it happen. One day he let me orgasm twice in the morning, but denied me anymore for the rest of the day until we planned to see each other at a play party that night.  Alas, our plans were foiled by sinus problems, but he gave me permission to orgasm as many times as I could that night, which made me look forward to my evening even though it was not going to be spent with him.

And so now we are talking alternately about chastity devices and being denied orgasms and training me to have orgasms on command (and in public) and I am really cautiously excited about what might become of these conversations and flirtations. While also being a little guarded because I am still feeling a bit sore and abandoned because of the changes with Hedo, who I had hoped to play with in this way. But I want these things so much, and I want someone who wants to do them with me, someone who will explore with me. And so I am enjoying these moments, trying not to worry or do all of the overthinking that I am prone to do, and yet still being careful not to let myself get hurt.

Wet Noodle of Submission

So I find myself with a bit of a void in my life since the talk with Hedo.  And while I am working on getting past the bit of hurt that I feel, there is also this feeling of feeling a little lost. I have been writing him intensive emails detailing my thoughts and experiences for the past two months, and now I am not going to be doing that.  It is a bit of a relief, honestly, as it was something that consumed some time and energy, and even though it helped me to clarify my thoughts and it pleased me to do it because he asked, it was becoming less productive for both of us over the last few weeks.  Nevertheless, it was something I did nearly everyday, so breaking that habit is something I have to adapt to.  I will likely be blogging more again, to process my thoughts here and to fill that void. 

The writing was a form of service, something that I did to be obedient, because he asked me to do it and that was the form my submission took. Now that form of submissive release is gone, I am likely to seek it out in other places.  And that means I am susceptible to being vulnerable, as I seek release elsewhere.  Fortunately, I am keenly aware of this vulnerability, and I feel my shields raising up to avoid being hurt.  Also, very fortunately, I have a select few people in my life who have also established some Dominant roles and interests with me.  Which excites me, possibility wise, to see how those dynamics might evolving.  And it gives me specific areas where I am safe to explore these submissive feelings, especially now that I have this new void.

One of the ways I know I have been growing beyond Hedo's mentorship is that I have been creating my own challenges and seeking answers on my own in ways that I know I might find them.  I didn't always have those skills. But one challenge is that I have been on the mission for the last few weeks to have more conversations with submissive and masochistic women.  I don't have many of this type of woman in my close friend circles, so I have been making efforts to connect and sit down and talk (or write) with ladies with kinky interests like mine. I think there are things that other submissive women can help me understand that the men in my life, or my more vanilla or differently kinky female friends can't really grok on the same level.

So I had a very deep and long conversation with a gal I will call Strawberry.  She is very submissive, very masochistic, and very involved in the lifestyle.  She has D/s relationship with someone in the kinky public eye and she appears to be well known, often seen, and has had many very intense kinky experiences (from what I can tell from perving her many gorgeous pictures on Fet) I wanted to ask her about her unique perspectives about her own submission, and she was kind enough to take time to talk with me.

She had many great insights for me, but the one thing that really struck me were her experiences early in her kinky life.  Back then, she felt her submissive feelings and desperately wanted to express them.  I can relate to that.  But her approach was to treat her submission like a "wet noodle", throwing it around and seeing where it stuck.  She experimented and played with many people, and sometimes it was fun, but many times it was not only not fun, but degrading, unpleasant, awkward, or unsatisfying.  That approach, she agreed, is also very dangerous. She is much more careful with playing now, as she has a variety of people she trusts, but she also has the skills and insight to build trust and negotiate more effectively.

Her thoughts on the "wet noodle" phenomenon really hit home.  I have been exceedingly careful in who I play with and who I express these feelings to.  And I feel the temptation to let my guard down sometimes, when I see someone who is strong in his Dominance or has that seductive sadism showing to me.  And I deeply crave having the experiences I fantasize about, but this is one of the times where I appreciate my penchant for overthinking and being very cautious.  While I want to have experiences, and a variety of experiences, I don't want the heartbreak and possible danger that come with being a subby noodle.  And while I have potential to get my heart broken anyway with anyone I play with, being aware of the risks and making sure I know what and who I consent (and submit) to is critically important to me, especially now.

Independence

We met early on Independence Day for a tough talk, and the symbolism doesn't escape me.  I was pretty sure this was coming, but I didn't want to face it.  It was time for Hedo and I to move on from the mentorship/dominance/friends-with-benefits/whatever-the-fuck-it-was relationship that we had.  I knew this, as I continued to pour myself into my writings and challenges, continuing to hope to connect, as he became less responsive and more busy.  I don't fault him for that. It is life, and it is what happens.  We had a relationship based around a need I had to learn and grow and for him to provide guidance and to push me to explore.  And I learned, grew, and explored so much in the last six months. I don't think either of us thought I would do it so rapidly and deeply.  It was hard for him to keep up and now that I am so much more confident and complete, he doesn't seem to know how he can help me anymore. It has been an amazing transformation, and I appreciate the role he played in my life during this time.

As I started to become stronger and more secure in my sexuality, this hunger grew in me to learn as much as I could.  This is a pursuit that has taken up a great portion of my life.  My kinky life is not just a weekend  party trick... not a *something to spice things up* sort of experience.  I have needs, in addition to more frivolous desires. The last project Hedo gave me proved that to me that some of the urges I have, especially the submissive and the masochistic ones, are a part of my life and soul... needs that are sometimes painful to not have a release for.  And I need to seek ways to fulfill those needs with trustworthy partners in exciting and creative ways that satisfy my mind and body.  Unfortunately, it is unlikely for me to be exploring them with him anymore, not in the ways that I would ideally want, due to time and energy constraints, among other things.

I find myself feeling a little angry about this.  A little disappointed and rejected, perhaps.  Six months is a decent amount of time and we did some intensive trust building and connecting.  We had amazing scenes in private that were things I have fantasized about for so long.  For me, this was just the start. I am so much less broken and confused than I was when I started this whole kink exploration process, and I have spent considerable time and energy focused on trusting him and sharing my most vulnerable thoughts in an effort to connect. My motivation was to get to this place of strength and trust, so I could really start to explore my submission safely and fully with someone that I trust (which I envisioned to be him).  And that was not in line with his goals, apparently.  He think he wanted to get me to a point where I learned and grew, and those are the things that he seems to need to do.  I thought we wanted to explore some of the more intense, more physical, aspects of kink with me when we were ready, but I was wrong.  And that hurts.

It is really hard to not go to the darker places of the mind when rejected.  Was I too revealing, did I overwhelm him with my writing, even though he asked me to do it?  Did he not like what I had to say?  And then the more shallow, self-doubting thoughts like am I not attractive, not sexy enough?  Am I a weird, artsy freak, who thinks too much and is no fun?  All these things stumble across my mind but I pick myself up and remind myself how good he has made me feel over the time we have known one another.  And I know those things aren't true, but they fucking sneak in like little brain monsters.

And I should have asked more questions about his motivations and we should have talked about this more, but I think part of me just really wanted to hold onto that hope and fantasy, and so I take the blame for my hurt. Sometimes I live a whole fantasy life in my head... this is one of the issues of being a thoughtful, highly creative person.  Sometimes reality and fantasy don't line up.  I don't know if Hedo has the same kinds of fantasies that I do. I couldn't even articulate them at all when I met him, and I am still working on that and doing much better at bringing the images and feelings I crave to life with words. Our fantasies may overlap, but I was probably selfish in expecting him to want the same ones that were in my head when I was finally able to get them out.  I didn't take enough time to really learn what he wanted, I just spent time hoping and wishing the fantasies would align and come to life, but it's clear now that was probably not likely to happen.

I know I need to find the right people who have similar fantasy lives going on on their heads like I do, and i am realizing that some of those people are in my life already, right in front of me. Now that I have skills in finding trust, the strength to voice what I want and don't want, and more confidence to accept these aspects about myself... I can find partners that I can grow and explore and play together who want the same things from me. Hedo helped me with all of those things, and even though I am disappointed in this change we are going through, I appreciate it with all my heart and know I have grown because of him.

More-gasms, Nitrile Gloves, and the Book of Brats

At one of the parties last week, my scene with Mr Toy wrestling and ripping all of my clothes off was very hot, and I had many orgasms.  They were the kind of orgasms that I get when very mentally aroused.  Full body, convulsing, rumbling sorts of waves of pleasure. There was little-to-no genital touching, though, so while those orgasms were pleasurable, playing with him also inspired a deep desire for other kinds of orgasms, which might not have been appropriate for our playtime, for various reasons.  By the time we were done I had gotten all wet and worked up and I wanted very badly to have a clitoral orgasm and I could even feel the need for an internal orgasm (which is more rare of a desire for me).  Playing with Mr Toy caused my cravings for pain and impact and manhandling to be fulfilled, too, but while we played, he started to trigger some of my submissive desires, so I was left feeling pretty horny and submissive. And as the party started to die down, I found myself in the presence of Modulator, who, being the playmate who has known me very well for the longest time, seemed to sense my desires and needs right away.

By this point, I was all sorts of horny and subby feeling. I started to get close to him fought with my feelings a bit. I didn't want to get anymore worked up without release, so being near him felt a little dangerous, as he is very prone to working me up. But I was drawn to him, as I always am, and he often pulls me in and fucks with me a little bit, giving me a growl or "the look" or a hair pull, and then sends me away.  I was so aroused, I didn't want to be sent away. I was almost on the verge of tears from my frustration as he started to tease me. And as he leaned in and whispered something naughty to me as he pulled my hair, I started to slip into that submissive space that makes me want to give up control to him.  But yet I was fighting it!  And I was sort of pissed that has this ability over me.  I feel so weak around him sometimes and that makes my strong, inner feminist angry at myself, so I was having an internal battle.  But at some point I remembered that this is the "thing we do" and that I trust him with that control, so I gave it up. And I started a steady stream of wave after wave of full body, rumbly orgasms, one after another. I vaguely remember my friends saying goodbye to me as they left the party.  He paused and guided me to give hugs to people as they left, and then pulled me back in, continuing to make me orgasm with just a few words or touches.

After a while of this, I noticed that everyone was gone, except for one guy sleeping on the couch across the room.  Modulator seemed pleased with himself at all to orgasms he gave me without having to work very hard with anything but his words and some well timed grabs and pinches and pulls.  I started to stumble away from him as he reached into his bag and pulled out a black nitrile rubber glove. (Oh hello, new fetish!) and slipped it on his hand.  He sat down and beckoned to me with his gloved hand, with "the look" and it took me a few seconds to understand what he was offering.  In the times that I have played with him since Damascus and I have opened our relationship, we have not been sexual in such a physical way, so finger fucking was sort of something new to bring to our second wave of experimentation, even though we have had sex in the past, years ago. 

When I finally figured out what he was going to do, I excitedly bounced back over to him, lifting my skirt and eagerly spreading my legs and lowering myself onto his strong, big hand.  I instantly started to cum as he stroked at my clit and slid his fingers inside of me.  He started to fuck me harder with his massive fingers and while he attempted to grab a hand towel in time, I made a squirty messy spot on the leg of his jeans.  I was not expecting to squirt, but I am not surprised I did.  I just haven't learned all the warning signs and can't predict when it will happen. (but I am thinking when I am OMG so turned on I could explode... that's a probable time).  After the first squirting orgasm, I could feel more, so I walked to the other side of the room and grabbed my beach towel and put it on the floor.  I lowered myself to my knees before him and continued to squirt a few more times, without further stimulation, as he watched, seemingly pleased with himself.

Modulator has been keeping a little red book of brats and their wrongdoings.  I had become aware of my page in it a few weeks ago.  But apparently, squirting on the only pair of pants he brought with him... was worthy of my first entry in the book.As I recovered after my orgasms and looked up at him, he had written me up and was showing me the entry. Which means that someday, I will have to pay for that crime.

*bounce bounce bounce*
yay! whee!

The Three Desires

For the last two weeks, I have been working on a project for Hedo.  While on my trip, I was having lots of frustrating desires that were all swirly and very hard for me to define.  This has been happening for some time, actually, since I started to develop an interest in kink.  I don't really have the simple, sexy types of fantasies and desires that I used to have. My fantasies still have a sexual element to them, and that's pretty straightforward, but I also have fantasies and images of other things, which are a little harder to put into words.  So I find myself thinking that I am desiring pain because I am obsessing about being spanked or having my hair pulled mixed in with the sexual images.  And then there are the fantasies where I have these vague feelings of desire about being dominated, even if it is just hearing "the voice" or seeing "the look".  Sometimes I just obsess about being on my knees before someone, being given instruction, or being restrained. That's a really hard thing to define and explain sometimes, when I am searching to express my wants. So I end up with the desire, for instance, to be on my knees, sucking cock, being told to play with myself, and being slapped.  I want all the things!  And yet, it is very hard to verbalize and very hard to satisfy all of those urges.  Masturbation or even sex doesn't really do it most of the time... it may satisfy the sexual parts, but I am often still left aching for these other things, which I sometimes can't articulate.

So the project has been for me to write down a note every time I have an urge or desire. I wrote down the day and time, what inspired the desire, what kind of fantasy it was, and how I satisfied the urge, if I did.  I was dedicated to being very thorough about this, as I want to understand.  And being accountable to Hedo for this project made it something I was motivated to do.  He wanted me to write for as long as we felt necessary, and hoped to find some patterns and answers to some of my questions. Today I finally started to feel the pressure and strain of all of the writing.  It was starting to wear me down and made me feel even more frustrated than just having the fantasies and he told me to stop. He hasn't read all of it, so I am curious to see what his thoughts ad reactions are.

Some patterns seemed to emerge right away for me.  I narrowed it down to three basic urges: sexual, masochistic, and submissive.  It seems so clear to me now, but it is rather complex because they blend together, so it was hard to pinpoint them.  On further reflection, I find that my masochistic urges seem to be mostly related to my sexual or submissive urges.  I don't know that I have straight-up masochistic urges.  For example, wanting my hair pulled is related to a desire for passionate, rough sex or in the form of being dominated and guided by a strong hand in my hair.  I don't think I simply want my hair pulled... it is not the sensation of pain on my scalp that I crave... that's a side effect of one of the other things.  That's my current theory about my masochism... I may find that it changes as I continue.  I still have much to learn about my relationship with pain.

So understanding more that I have sexual urges that can usually be satisfied by sex by myself or with another, and learning that my desires for pain might not be an urge in itself,  I am left with this desire for submission.  The difficult thing about this urge is that I feel it very deeply and daydream about it often.  And yet, I don't have a clear way to satisfy it easily, or even express it very clearly. I have been doing the best I can to understand and define these desires, using the best tools I can:  my writing skills. I have visions and images that I try to write down, and I have experienced scenes that seem to fulfill the desires (which become obsessive fuel for repeated fantasies of the scene).  Also, I write fantasies, which seems to help a great deal.  Plus it has the added bonus of giving some of the Dominant type perverts in my life a peek into my head to figure out what I want and make my desires come to life.  I love when that happens!  I still have so much to learn about all of these things.

Damascus and I watched the film Secretary last night together.  I had seen it years ago and it was the first time for him.  He tied me up in some rope and I watched while bound through most of it.  That seemed appropriate.  I really related to the film even more now that I have a firmer understanding of my own submissive desires.  I see how the D/s relationship between the two characters was beneficial for both of them, and how they both struggled with these deep, sometimes dark elements of themselves, and I saw myself and some of my relationships reflected.  It was good to see Lee's confusion, acceptance, and her quest to make her submissive desires come to reality.  It gives me hope for understanding and accepting my own someday.

Swing

 Hedo hosted a party at the kinky bed & breakfast house last weekend that was intended to connect his swinger friends and kinky friends. Some of the swingers were curious about BDSM and the things he does, so the party was sort of an introduction for them.

I had been nervous about going to this party, as I have some mixed feelings about swinging and swingers, from a personal standpoint. While I support people and their consensual sexual choices and freedoms, I feel personally challenged by swinging, probably because I am less free with my affection and sexuality, and I am comfortable with that as my own choice. But I wanted to be more comfortable around swingers, without becoming one of them myself, so the party was a good exercise for me.

It's funny that I have become comfortable at this place now, getting naked, expressing my kinkiness, letting (carefully selected) people handle me in unusual ways (often with scary toys, or at least with sadistic looks) while others watch. And yet, the thought of being flirted with and perhaps asked for intimacy or sex was terrifying to me.

Perhaps I was scared of having to reject someone, or having to really assert my boundaries. Would swingers have similar ideas about consent and safe words as kinksters? Would I be expected to kiss or play with or fuck someone? It was all new to me, and I was rather anxious about it.

As it turned out, I think they were more afraid of me (not ME, peronally, but me being one of the BDSM elements to this gathering) than I was of them. Some of the other kinky folks didn't show up, which seemed to leave me as the lone eager bottom-type, wanting to to kinky stuff.  And several of the swingers apparently freaked out and were scared off (according to Hedo) before they even came to the party.  So it was a small party with mostly people who were not terribly interested in kink or were very nervous about it. Hedo and I did a little bit of playful sorts of things and I was willing to demo, but there just wasn't a lot of interest.  Even the electrical play, which is fun to watch and usually gathers a crowd, made the whole group run to the other side of the room.

It was really strange to feel like the Extreme Kinky Gal at the party.  Usually in this space, I am the newbie, the one who has little experience and is a little scared. I took my top off early on for some silly wax play with Hedo and his wife, and that freaked one of their friends out.  She left shortly afterwards.  I don't think it was the wax or the boobies, I think it was Hedo at my knees, while I was laying down, slapping at my crotch with a paint stirrer and poking at me with a knife while I orgasmed and screamed and his wife yelled at him for "hurting me".  It was quite goofy and fun, but it did involve dominance and impact and knives.  That *might* have scared her away.  Heh.

After the wax play, I walked around topless.  In a room full of clothed swingers. And I felt really exposed and vulnerable.  Not just because my tits were hanging out.  I wondered what they thought about me.  Did they understand me? Did they understand my cravings, not for sex, but for submission and pain and kinky play? Could they comprehend the way Hedo expressed his dominance and how I reacted?  It was different than the flirty, kissy, cuddly things that they were all doing together.  He and I are much less like that.  I respond better to him grabbing and pulling my hair and restraining my wrists than I would a snuggly nibble. I put my top back on and tried my best to mingle with them, but mostly felt like an outsider.

Later in the evening, Hedo tied me to the rope wall, and told me he was just going to leave me there for a while, which appealed to my wish for restraint and submission. And then I saw him whispering with a lovely lady that I had met at another of his events, one that I knew to be sort of switchy and liking to bite and scratch.  He walked her over to me, and she looked a little embarrassed.  Hedo told her a bit of what I am into and he told me a little about her, and we negotiated a bit. And he left her to nibble and work me over, using me as a chew toy and a scratching post.  I talked to her a bit as she bit at me, and she seemed amazed that she was allowed to do such things to me.  I asked her to spank me, which was new to her, and I think we both liked it. She mentioned it being weird because she usually gets in trouble for such things like biting or scratching too hard.  I really enjoyed myself and loved having a sexy lady have fun feeling her nails and teeth press through me while I squirmed and got off.  Hedo returned after a while and finger fucked me until I had a huge wet orgasm there, clinging to the wall, sexy lady holding me up while I writhed and responded to both of them. Very hot scene!  And very unexpected, given how the rest of the night had gone.

It was a very strange night indeed.  I don't think I am so afraid of swingers and swinger parties anymore.  But I realize that kinky comes in all flavors.  And while swinging might be kinky in itself, as it is outside of the traditional sex/relationship world, it might not have much to do with BDSM.  There will always be crossover, but I think the approach to sex is quite a bit different with swingers, and I am glad to have gained more understanding with this event.

Manhandled

Events have been clustered together lately and I have gotten some much needed release from the stress of my trade show a couple of weeks ago. While on the trip, things were stressful, tedious, exhausting, and vanilla. I could confide a little bit in my travel mate, as she already knew about the poly/open relationship stuff, but the little glimpse I gave her into my kink world was a little much for her, so I didn't talk much about all this exciting and wonderful stuff for about a week. When I got back, I was all sorts of horny, pent up, wanting pain and sensation, and full of submissive desires. Hedo got me started on a new writing project after I got settled back home (more on that soon) and there were kinky events and parties that were waiting for me, just when I needed them!

In fact the day after my return, our kinky class was a hands on impact class. I almost didn't go, as I thought it might be more rigidly structured and I didn't have a dedicated partner to play with. Given my state, I thought that watching might be too frustrating for me, wanting to play so badly myself, but my need for like minded companionship exceeded my fears of frustration. I was really glad I went, because Mr. Toy and I ended up having a great bratty wrestling battle. We put on quite a show for the class, we were full of goofy energy and really had a blast. I got to be a brat and I made him work really hard to get me restrained.  Even the class got involved by throwing him rope and duct tape to try to use on me. He might be tall and strong, but I am slippery and squirmy. We managed to keep our clothes on, but decided that clearly next time, we needed to wrestle naked. It was fun, sexy, sweaty and I got spanked and overpowered which really helped calm all the frustrated desires I had been having over the last couple of weeks.

Fortunately, the next play party was jut a few days later.  We texted throughout the week with taunts and teasing, which has become our way of negotiating, I guess.  I think we have played enough where we are clear about our limits and we can just have fun and not negotiate too many details, which makes it even more fun, because I trust him. But the next wrestling event needed a little pre-planning, as we decided he would rip all of my clothes off.  So I went to the thrift store and got myself a cute little outfit for a couple of dollars, which I altered by cutting the seam with scissors for extra slutty cuteness (and to be more easily torn).  I found a shirt that said Fighters Unite, which made me feel bad ass.  It was even more awesome because it had a paw print on the back, one of Mr. Toy and Alpha Domme's symbols.  The paw was in brass knuckle form, which was even more bad ass.  I had my trademark fishnets, this time they were thigh highs attached to running shorts with some little suspender clips.  And of course, an old pair of black undies, for the final touch. I gave him permission for a first for me... full nudity in public.  I was going to make popping that cherry a big bang!

The wrestling was super fun and having my clothes torn off was awesome. As has been the trend, it was a bratty, giggly, sweaty, high energy sort of thing, with lots of people watching. It was very liberating and freeing, actually, to be naked too, by the end.  There were little shreds of clothing everywhere, and he gagged me with my panties, which were very wet by the time we were done, and tied them in place with a remnant of my fishnets. After the wrestling, he took me to a cross and Alpha Domme helped him tie me up to it.  We had a much calmer, more intense, and very sexy session on the cross.  He used floggers and knives and paddles and his hands.  I barely remember a lot of that because I spaced out quite a bit.  And I had many quiet rumbly orgasms.  I think I was too quiet, as he asked me if I came later. I did, about a dozen times. After all of that exhibitionism and nudity, I should be a little more vocal to let everyone know I am enjoying myself... I will have to work on that more.  Still a shy hurdle, I guess, openly having orgasms in public.  

Part of what got me so hot and excited (as if wrestling with a sexy guy isn't enough) was that he leaned in a few times and spoke to me with some very dominant teasing and threats that melted my brain.  I remember a "good girl" in there, which is sure to get me excited when spoken by someone I want to hear it from.  And he threatened to make me sit in the corner and masturbate while he watched when we were done.  That really spoke to my subby urges.  And he bit and nibbled and said some very sexy things that made me orgasm just from the words.  So yeah, it was very delicious.  Sadly, we had to end a bit abruptly, as he had a family situation come up, and that's a priority.  I was a very floaty happy girl by the time he was done, though.

As if all of that fun play wasn't enough, I got another chance to play with him just a week later, at a party that Damascus and I hosted!  This time I was egging him on while he was waiting chained on the cross, naked, for Alpha Domme to beat him.  That's the rule, she gets to beat him before I can play with him.  But she had also said she would show off their toybag to our newbie kinkster friends, and she got caught up in that.  So I was fucking with Mr Toy to kill time.  I didn't realize that he wasn't firmly attached to the cross, and after one too many times tossing a damp towel at him, he surprised me by unclipping himself and setting in to restrain me instead!

We struggled a bit, with his restraints coming off of him and being put onto me, attaching me to the rope wall.  Again, we were in the unusual position of him being buck naked and playing Top and dominating me, while I was more clothed, which is a bit of a mind-fuck.  I love the twisted switchiness of it all!  We started to get caught up in playing and then the cross he left got taken over by someone else.  Alpha Domme had moved onto other demos, but she would step in to give him a hand, telling him to gag me with my fishnet band and whipping me and striking me with various things.  It was kind of a crazy blur, I don't remember much.  I know I ended up with my feet attached to the rope wall and him hovering over me, with his junk dangling and making me giggle.  I removed my gag and used it as a rubber band to fling at his balls repeatedly, which I got pretty good at.  We started to wind down, panting, and there were a few orgasms for me as he leaned in very close to me.  I remember he bit at my nipples and made me come.  It was crazy fun.  I hope we didn't get in too much trouble for breaking the *Alpha Domme plays first rule*, but if it is trouble, I hope it is the good, fun kind that we might have to pay for later. :)

Subby Fantasy: Play Party

"Are you going to be my good little slut tonight?" he asked, placing his hand against my face and looking firmly into my eyes with his dominant gaze which immediately makes me answer, "Yes, Sir."

The play party was just starting and people were starting to arrive. We all spent the first hour or so mingling and chatting. I didn't know many of the guests very well, so I was a little nervous, but I was enjoying meeting new people, especially ones who were so sexy and affectionate. It was a good, happy vibe in the room and I was starting to feel comfortable and was warming up, as he would check in with me every now and then and give me a little flirty squeeze and a naughty glance.

After everyone had settled in, he motioned to me to join him in the center of the room, near the rope wall.  He leaned in and told me that it was time for my training and that I should prepare my space. My heart started to beat harder with excitement as I nodded obediently. I reached in my bag and got my towel, which I folded into a small neat rectangle and lay on the floor, where he was pointing. I moved towards him and stood still before him, waiting for further instruction. He circled around me, looking me over, and moved in close behind me.  He slowly moved his hand up my neck and grasped my hair firmly, pulling my head close so my hear was next to his lips.  He told me what he wanted me to do, he wanted me to strip to my panties and kneel on the towel.  He wanted everyone to see my body and to show off what a good slutty sub I am.

I spent the next half hour on my knees, kneeling on the towel that he so generously allowed me to have.  My orders were to sit up straight, with my legs slightly spread and my arms and hands folded neatly behind my back, with my chest outward and my back straight. He told me I needed to keep my nipples erect and my pussy wet while I was in position. It seemed like an easy enough order but I found myself slouching and nodding off at times. He would come around every so often and pull my hair to straighten me up, or use a riding crop to slap at my knees to spread them further and to check to see if I was wet by kneeling down and pushing my panties aside and shoving his fingers inside.  He made me lick them clean.  When my nipples relaxed, he brought a pair of nipple clamps and clipped them onto my tits, telling me that would keep them hard.  He would frequently tug at the chain and make me squeal.
 
He would leave and join the crowd, leaving me in place, sometimes returning to adjust my position to his whim.  Sometimes I would be kneeling deeply with my arms in front of me and my back arched and ass in the air. He could flog and spank me easily in that position, and i couldn't tell when it was coming. Sometimes he asked me embarrassing questions about what I thought about when I last masturbated or what slutty, horny thoughts I was thinking about and made me answer while looking him in the eyes, and he would slap or smack at me if I looked away or blushed or stumbled. Once, he placed the riding crop sideways in my mouth and had me hold it there while he continued mingling. When he returned to remove it, he demanded I kiss his cock through his pants and reminded me how much I love sucking his cock for him.

I began to squirm, horny from submission and wanting release.  He stood before me and asked me if I wanted my orgasm.  He allowed me to reach into my panties and touch myself, but he told me that I had to ask permission to come.  My eyes would roll back and I would start to get off, and I would be slapped or flogged or hit with the riding crop and reminded that I had to ask.  When I finally asked... begged... to come, he told me no but told me to keep touching and playing with myself.  I felt like the whole room was looking at me but i didn't care, as I wanted release.  He told me to ask louder and with more confidence, and I continued asking to come and masturbating until he was satisfied, and a rush of pleasure overtook me as I knelt before him.  I collapsed into a puddle and the room swirled around me. I looked up from the ground and saw his feet before me.  "Thank you, Sir" I said as I kissed the tip of his boots, one after the other.  I could hear the words "good girl" and his strong hand petting my head as he walked away, leaving me to recover from my orgasm.