Thursday, August 30, 2012

Fear of a Word

Ok, it's time to face the big scary kinky elephant in the room. As I read the Code d' Odalesque, I realized how much it resonated with me. I loved just about everything about it and started to get totally lost in this fantasy of me in the roles that are in the Code.  There were a few hours there where I was blissfully wandering around in my fantasies, seeing all the possibilities. Things started to make sense.  And then reality started to hit me.  And I got very scared.  

First I was scared about getting lost in a fantasy world and not being grounded in reality. And then I talked with Damascus a bit about how reality actually sucks.  And the fantasy lives we lead can be good for us, especially if we stay aware about what we need to do in the real world and can keep the fantasy in perspective while swimming around in exploring it.  And that made me feel better.

And then I got scared again, for another reason.  If I can accept this role that appeals to me, the Odalisque fantasy, what does it mean in my real life and relationships?  Is this what has been studying and learning and searching for all these months and years? Is there anyone else willing to play in my fantasy world with me? And have I actually found those people? I don't know if I was more scared to think that I actually have found them or that such people might never exist. Because if this is a possibility to others, too, that is another step in making the fantasy a sometimes reality, and that can be scary as well.  And also potentially awesome.

And then there is the matter of that word.  That scary word that I couldn't even consider. Slave. When we would talk, she told me she didn't think I was a submissive.  This confused me so much, but she didn't explain more.  I had to figure it out myself.  I thought she questioned my submissive tendencies.  They are so clear to me.  I thought she meant I was simply a bottom, or maybe just a pain slut, or maybe that I wasn't even kinky at all, and that was so confusing to me... but that's not what she meant.  She didn't question my submissiveness, I think she saw that it ran deeper than it would in a D/s relationship. She didn't tell me, probably because she knew I would disagree. And I still might.  But I started reading this Code and all the parts about giving up control, all the structure and the protocol and surrender... it is starting to feel right, in this context.

I have a deep need to surrender and also to provide service, but only in very specific ways.  To me, a "slave" has always meant one that gives up full control, 24/7, of everything.  That is not appealing to me and not a possibility in my life, even if it was.  But what I didn't really realize was that one can be a certain kind of slave.  One can be a sexual slave, which is what the Code d Ode is essentially about.  Pleasure slave, passion slave, cock slave, odalisque. Being in service to someone can be very narrow in scope, without effecting the other parts of a slave's life like career, family, friends, and romantic relationships. This never occurred to me before. And so I never looked past the term submissive.

So what is the difference between a submissive and a slave?  This is a complex question and I think it will be something I will be thinking about and defining for a long time.  But I think for me, I am seeing the difference in the ways in which I wish to exchange power and interact.  As a submissive, I expressed myself in scenes, in completing tasks, in negotiating short periods of time in power exchange. With past Doms, there was a specific start and end to each interaction, a goal that was discussed and reached and the interaction was complete. I enjoyed those interactions, but when they were done, there was often sadness, and yearning for more, for the next task, the next scene.

But something changed when he told me that he was in charge of my orgasms. Part of me laughed a little at him, figuring it would be a short lived game that we would play, and he would lose interest.  But deep inside, I wanted it to be real, I wanted to do that with him, I wanted him to take that control.  I playfully resist and tease and whine brattily about it, but it is real to me, and I dove in fully and take it quite seriously, actually. I don't question it, I give it freely, and it feeds me day to day. When I wake up each morning, I don't question when I might orgasm, or how, or even IF I will. That decision is kept in his hands, and have eagerly accepted that, with very little fighting actually, for almost two months now. I want to show him that I can do it, that I want it, and that this is just the first step in the possibilities of a power exchange. I have come to realize that all might be beyond submissive.  That might be slave-like.

Oh but there is that "slave" word again!  It still rubs me wrong.  I still have ideas about what it means that don't apply to me.  But if I define further and say "pleasure slave"... that makes it easier to swallow. And if we switch languages and use the more romantic Turkish word "odalisque" then that makes it even easier for me to accept.  And on the flip side, the word "Master" gives me similar issues, as I don't seek someone who exemplifies what that role means to me.  But if we use "Slave Keeper" it is a little easier.  And then simply down to just "Keeper"... well that's a word I can actually relate to.  (plus it makes me think about Harry Potter and Quidditch! kinky goalie, anyone?) He does keep my orgasms for me.  hehe.  And I can see him keeping me protected, keeping me exploring and learning, and in return, me being kept to please him. Ugh, and I thought admitting to the terms Dom and sub were hard! But I think I am on the right path, and once I found it, they encouraged me and seem to think I am on the right path too.  I really did have to find it myself.

And I get ready to click publish and share these thoughts, and there is still fear.  Is this fucking crazy?  I would love some feedback here, please call me out on my insanity, if you see it...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Code d Ode Notes

I am posting these rough notes I took while reading the Code d' Odalisque.  Not a lot of firm thoughts, just some observations and things I am drawn to about it.

Things that resonate about the Code d'Ode with me:

The pleasure slave is kept as an object of beauty to provide pleasure for one Keeper, wanting to serve and be used for his desires.  The pleasure slave does not serve domestically in terms of cleaning, chores, and other such service and she does not give up total power and control, it is specifically sexual and sensual in scope with specific times in service and out of service. Enjoyment of pleasure and high art, artful and creativity inducing rules and activities are an intrinsic part of the Code. Odalisques are treated with respect and pampered in a fantasy of life of luxury. They are held in esteem, not just one of many, and are cherished for their sexuality and cock worshipping skills.

These are things that we have been doing or fantasizing about that are Code-like:

Desire for cock worship
Having my orgasms owned by him, total orgasm control
Having me be naked around house when possible
Being shared with others (with kinky play at parties)
Put on display as an object of beauty or sexuality flaunted but not ridiculed
Kissing and licking and sucking of his hands and fingers
Punishment (or threat of) caging, confinement, silence, bondage, holding positions
Caging to show ownershi, but not in an abusive way... looking pretty in a cage
Discipline and obedience to cultivate proper slave mind and action
Guidance towards refinement of manners and etiquette (curbing my brattiness)
Training sexually to suit his desires (anal training)
Having an over mistress or slave trainer to care for and train slave properly
Prepping (grooming) of Keeper by slave (undressing, dressing)
Interest in positions, commands, gestures and protocol
Obedience and respect
Begging and pleading
Wanting to be tutored and trained
Decorating the body (drawing)
Control of clothing and appearance
Crawling on hands and knees
Encouraged to be sexual and to beg for cock
Training of making drinks for pleasure and serving
Torture by pleasure as means of control
Entertainment by odalisque (hosting parties)
Massage (wanting to rub his feet, scratching his back, finding pleasure spots)
Displays of lust, speaking lewdly, forced eye contact while doing these things and while masturbating
Dedication to one Master, not to be freely taken like a slut but wanting to have guided experiences
Inspection and adoration as scene

Things I am very curious about from the Code:

Marking ceremony tattoo or branding
Ordeals, setting goals for fulfilling fantasies
Black pearls as reward for ordeals
Mantra chant for simplification of thoughts
Glory holes and dreamboxes
Use of charitable donation for slave "trade"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Code d' Odalisque

In my quest to figure out what my role is in the BDSM world, my journey brought me to thinking about where my submissive fantasies lie. I tend to be sexually submissive and I am creative in my submission, but I am without desires for domestic types of service. Through this path, I started to think about women who submit and serve men in the genres of the erotic arts and a whole world opened up to me.  My mind has been filled with images of geishas, courtesans, concubines, muses, harems, and pleasure slaves. Through this, I stumbled upon a document called the Code d' Odalisque.  It is basically a manual for the training of a contemporary pleasure slave, called an odalisque.  It is a code with all the documents for role play consensual slavery. From my first bit of research, it looked interesting in concept, so I downloaded the document and read it in its entirety during our recent road trip.

This document is a compilation of the original Code, which was written around the 1990s, started by a group of people in Australia. It is a little hard to read, as it is compiled from various appendixes and sources and it badly needs some editing, as it is very repetitive. Conceptually, the Code d' Ode appears to be a bit of a reaction to the harshness of other BDSM genres such as Gor and more traditional Old Guard D/s and M/s relations. It removes most of the pain and sadomasochism from the role play, and focuses more on sex. It is very elegant system of rules, protocols, and etiquette for the cultivation of a cock worshipping slave who is skilled in all things erotic and who is treated like a luxury.

 I became immediately fascinated with this Code as I started to learn about it.  Other than the absence of impact and pain (which I do enjoy in some amount) I was really drawn to almost every other aspect of it.  While I have had a very mild interest in Gor, it has turned me away pretty quickly in its aesthetics and severe approach.  The things I like most about Gor: the structure, protocol, and positions, are also evident in Code d' Ode, but with a different twist. I started reading about the Code positions, and the first is a variation on the Venus on the Half Shell by Botticelli.  For this artist and art history nerd, I was instantly in love.  In fact, much of the Code seems to focus on art and refined eroticism, which is very appealing.  I have been studying the Artist/Muse relationship as a form of power exchange, so it plays into that as well. The focus is on submissive females engaging in cock worship and sexuality as an art form, set around themes of Ancient Turkish and Oriental harems with a proper Victorian style and some French refinements.

I feel a deep connection to the odalisque role and have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about how to incorporate this Code into my life... both my kink life and my art life. I have felt the need to bring these aspects of my life together somehow, but I haven't been able to figure out how to do this until this discovery.

The really fun thing has been discovering how much of this Code I have already been actively doing, fantasizing about, and wanting.  Particularly in playing with Mr. Toy.  Now we are learning about it together and it's super exciting (and a little scary).  I have been taking notes as I have been reading and I will try to organize them into a more detailed blog post outlining some of the parts of the Code that interest me in particular.  Until then, I have been told to learn the positions, as we will start to incorporate those very soon in our social gatherings and play!  Squee!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Service and Obedience

I started writing this post several weeks ago and I never finished it.  I was reminded of it when I saw a post on Fet Life from a popular kinky podcaster who had some of the same revelations inspired by the same book in the third paragraph, so I came back to find this post still relevant, but with some updated thoughts I can add.

I have been thinking a lot about the forms that my submissive desires take.  This has been a challenge to me in many ways.  I read about other submissive types and the things they seem to desire or are asked to do by their Dominants.  I see and read a lot of things on FetLife and I try some of those roles and activities on in my mind.  Not a whole lot of it sticks and grabs me hard enough to fantasize about, but when they do, I start to crave and obsess about them frequently.  It is clear to me that my desires are beyond parties and occasional playtimes, I seek something longer term and consistent with someone special.

I have been reading a book called Conquer Me which has been very helpful in my understanding. In one chapter, the author talked about different kinds of submission, a popular type involving service.  When I read about service types of submission, I have a hard time relating, especially if it is domestic type service in nature.  I can comprehend the want to serve someone in such a way, to make someone's life easier, and even sexualizing domestic types of service, but those things don't appeal to me. In fact, they turn me off. And they are kind of triggery, particularly when it reminds me of my marriage.  I have done enough cleaning, cooking, and serving people in my life in marriage and in retail work, and have been unappreciated for it in a way that makes me feel resentful and uninterested in including it in my kink in any way.

I was controlled in those domestic ways, but ignored in sexual ways, so sexual approaches to submission are appealing. It makes me feel cared for, desired, and treasured to let someone have control of my sexuality for a scene, or an afternoon, or longer. I think it is because I know that someone is thinking about me as a sexual being, even if it is a sexual object or possession or toy that I become. I enjoy the thought of being trained by someone to suit their sexual needs.  I love being demanded to have orgasms at his whim, many times a day, and while it of course brings me pleasure, I think more about him getting the pleasure out of controlling when I orgasm, and that is what excites me most. It pleases me to please someone who asks such things of me. Even when it seems degrading or excessive or sadistic, every time I feel like I am giving this kind of sexual service, I feel very satisfied.

The author writes about service and sexual submission and also of obedience as being ways to be submissive. I find myself feeling sexually submissive, and I crave to be obedient in a sexual way too.  I guess it doesn't seem like it, in play, because I am a terrible brat.  And bratting is very fun and probably a part of my personality that lets me not take all of this so seriously.  But I really want Mr. Toy to knock the brat out of me when we play, I think.  I want to see that look in his eye or the sound of his voice that lets me know he is serious and I want to surrender to it. Sometimes, that might be me fighting and testing his dominance, but most of the time, I think it is me fighting myself.  And maybe testing my submissiveness. Maybe I need to keep proving the reason for this D/s dance, maybe I need to brat and act up because I am a little too afraid of facing the things that I really want. But I am feeling more and more submissive towards him, as we continue with our orgasm control exercise on a daily basis. And if I was finally faced with a sexual demand from him (within our limits and with the proper permissions) I do not doubt that I would obediently submit to providing him pleasure. That is the thing I seek right now, over and above my own sexual needs. That is the thing I seek: to please.

I am learning more about what my role might be in the world of kink. He and Alpha Domme are guiding me into finding my answers by myself and I am starting to get into some really interesting places in my mind and in my research. I am starting to feel a little bit more clear about things so I have been recently full of epiphanies and deep thoughts. I am trying to stay calm, because it is very scary and vulnerable and I desire it so much it so much, it makes me a little anxious and crazy sometimes. I have some more reading to do and then I hope to write a bit about some of the research on submissive and slave types that have been inspiring me. Maybe this research will help me to focus on who and what I am and what I am seeking.

Monday, August 13, 2012


I have been evolving.  I am not exactly sure what I am evolving into, but I feel very happy and content in a very deep way.  It's sometimes confusing and I often have questions, but I am trying to not be too overwrought about them and am concentrating on enjoying the experience and the evolution.

The details of my submission (if that is the word to use... i can't think of anything more appropriate) have become very personal to me.  I sometimes share them with people very close to me with a hushed glee and intense joy.  I am not ashamed or embarrassed of the things I am doing and being asked to do.  They are deeply erotic and satisfying to me.  But they feel very personal and I am feeling more protective and private about them. I don't seem to have the need to write about the events and acts to process them right now.  I am simply enjoying reveling in the experiences. Sometimes I am so happy that I get scared to express it, for fear of it vanishing. But mostly I want to live in the moment and enjoy it as much as I can.

I have felt the need for everything else to slow down.  I have felt the need for the static and noise to quiet down.  I am not looking for partners for play or for dating.  I am not seeking romance or other sexual exploration with new partners and all my other intimate relationships have ended or have paused. I am content with my love relationship with Damascus and this thing-that-we-don't-have-to-define with Mr Toy and his Alpha Domme and I don't want anything else.  These dynamics are enough to keep me very challenged and content. It is a complex thing that I want, and I am aware that it is a lot to ask of Damascus. I have hope that it is possible to have all the things, with patience and communication and time.  I also hope that the complexity of it all will start to become something that is simple to understand.  I wish to explore these things and I am feeling like I have found some special people to explore them with.

I am not sure when I will write again.  Perhaps as I continue to comprehend the paradoxes of finding freedom in giving up control, I will need to sort things out more. Perhaps I will someday write from a place of gratitude and clarity, secure in my submission and able to express it clearly and eloquently. For now, I wish to submerge myself fully in the evolution and try to continue to embrace it as I learn more about myself in the process.