Friday, April 27, 2012

Mr. Modulator's Viewpoint

 I have been meaning to post Mr. Modulator's account of the Overpowered scene I wrote about from last weekend. I am reminded to do so today, and I also learned that both his and my stories were reposted by Pretty Kinky Things. Thank you! Here is his writing:

The plan. She’d play the brat… and at some point after she takes off her collar to indicate she’s ready, I would initiate the scene.

We are in a large play space.. about 30x30. The cross I plan to use was near the wall opposite of where she stood talking to someone. She was facing away from it/me.

Starting about 10feet from behind, I stride up behind her and with my right hand I grab the hair at the nape of her neck, and the with the left, I grab her neck.. as I’m grabbing, I say “little brat, come here!”

She lets out a little yelp as I latch on and snatch her.. and I nearly lift her clean off the ground, as I haul her bodily to the other side of the room, and the waiting cross. The yelp turned directly into a mad bit of giggling, but only the kind that you’d hear from an expectant subby.. when their body says “oh shit! He’s going to get me!!” and the subby part of the brain replies, “I KNOW!! WEEEEE!” (Thank you, J, for that quote)

In just a few seconds, I crossed the distance of the play space, walking backwards, with her in tow. I spun and planted her onto the cross facing me.. I think this part took all of about 3-4 seconds total. Very quick and sudden was the plan. ;-)

Later, The gent she was speaking with related that I interrupted her mid sentence. That he saw me move rather quickly up behind her, and he was rather impressed by how I seemed to nearly carry her across the room, turn and put her, bodily, onto the cross.

I grabbed her hair again, and gave a growl at her about this being what mouthy little brats get .. I glare at her, and she sticks her tongue out for a second, before I tighten my grip on her hair and grab her neck with my other hand.. she may have yelped and rolled her eyes back into her head and gasped. I dig my nails into the sides of her neck, and draw them down to her clavicle (Pain, to keep interrupt her attempt at wandering to sub space). From there, I reach down between her breasts and hit that pressure point on the sternum, before I draw my nails back up her chest.

I switch hair holding to my left hand, and get pull the knife from my belt. I lean back into her, and place the edge of the blade under her chin, and growl some question about whether the brat likes to get cut.. and she replies, with a rather convincingly scared voice, “oh god, don’t cut me”.. and I swipe the blade from one side of her neck to the other, and even more roughly, “too late for you bitch!” She moans and rolls her eyes.. and I nearly lose her into sub space. But we don’t want that. So with the hand holding her hair, I twist and place the thumb into the space below the occipital bun (for a few seconds).. which brings her right back with a gasp. I then drag the edge of the knife down her throught, and across he chest, in nice long smooth slashing motions. I alternate between watching my knife work, and looking in her eyes. I ease up for a second, to give her a brief respite, and gauge how she’s doing..

Satisfied that she’s been at the edge, but not too much beyond, I lean back just enough to spin her around to facing the cross, and we continue. More hair, clawing across her chest, and at some point, I had removed her bra.. so clawed a good bit under the breasts.. and up and down her back. (Those were some interesting marks, later in the evening).

She squirms and fights.. so I pull her head back, by way of the hair.. until she started having to arch her back a bit too. With her weight trapped between me and the cross, I use my right leg to slide her up the cross enough that she’s no longer touching the floor, and laying back with be holding her up. The plan being that it’s one thing to be man-handled while on the ground.. it’s quite another experience when you’re being tormented, while lifted off the ground, so you have little control at all of where you’re at.

This is another time for heavy clawing and some breath play. I get the feeling, from how her body is reacting and tensing, that I’m approaching a limit on this, and let up just as she’s saying yellow. Which means I turn my attention to other parts that are becoming tender from abuse..

I slide her down, and she’s more wrestley than before.. perhaps more panicked? I lift and spin her, and slam her into the cross which rocks the cross back a bit, and then back into the floor and some board on it breaks from the impact. With my right hand, I grab the cross, and with the arm, I lean my weight in across her chest, and slide a knee between her legs, to put pressure against her crotch. I glare at her again, and as I grind my leg into her, she orgasms a few times. . More torment..

One last spin to her facing away from me.. I grab and claw her legs.. outside and insides of her thighs.. catching and tearing her fishnets. I even grabbed her thigh in several places, clawing too (Which left some interesting bruises!) I’m pretty sure she orgasmed a few more times there too. She feels like she’s wearing down, and I’m going to hit a limit soon.. so I growl that I’m done with her, and push off of and away, to leave her on the cross, alone.

(Of course I came back to her, after a few seconds, for after care.. I’m not a monster!)

This was most definitely the most violent and intense scene I’ve done so far. A step above the last one I wrote about.. but definitely some of the same feel between them.

In normal scenes, I’d start slowly and work to bottom/sub into sub-space and continue work from there. In this scene, I did intend to work to keep her out of that space.. but it wasn’t until we were in scene, that I recognized this as a goal.

My headspace.. I tried to maintain the energy intensity of the scene.. I was singularly focused on what I was doing to her. I could feel others in the room, but they were off in the distance. Music was playing near, but I couldn’t hear it. When I focused my gaze at her, I suppose you could say that I was focusing and directing energy at her.

There was a feeling of being in control.. of being observant of her, and knowing how she was at any given moment. That wasn’t active, more like a side process that was reading her body/energy/breathing etc.. I could feel when the intensity reached a peak in her, and when there was a lull. When she became slightly panicked at being choked. It was a very interesting experience.. being that hyper focused, and yet still aware of so much.

I did not feel hate, nor anger. Tho what I did may have seemed in part, driven by that. I felt focused, above all else.. and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the reactions I got, and that I knew I could generate a certain reaction.

Mine is an evil grin.

-Mr Modulator

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


 I have earned a bit of a reputation with my kinky friends for being a bit of a brat. I really love playing this role.  It really goes back to playground days and is a lot of fun for me.  I think I like it most because it gives me (and my playmates) a reason for beating me or fucking with my my head, and I sometimes still need a good reason to accept that sort of attention and activity.  Sometimes, my partners need it too, to bring out their Domly or sadistic sides.  It is a fun game we play.  Of course, I only play with those who I find will enjoy it, those who have a good sense of humor about it.  I am sure there are Domly types who wouldn't like a smart ass brat.  I am pretty sure that wouldn't be a someone that I would find fun to play with, though.

I have been thinking about different kinds of bratty behaviors that I can expand upon in my brat repertoire. I mostly play a generally rebellious "you're not the boss of me and you're not so tough!" sort of brat.  A gentle challenge of authority by way of sticking out my tongue or rolling my eyes.  I became well practiced at that when I was a teenager, and it's fun to bring out those skills again, with much more exciting results now.  I tend to not be terribly disrespectful, just sort of silly and teasing in just the right amount to illicit a Domly response to want to hurt me.

Since playing with Mr. Toy and now spending time with his lady, who we shall call Alpha Domme, I have been fantasizing about being a tattletale brat.  I think this comes out because of his switchy-ness and the fact that she likes to take charge of him.  I kind of love the idea of him topping me and doing some sort of planned "wrong doing" that she told him not to do, which might make me tattle on him to her, which would get him in some fun trouble (which I could have more bratty fun mocking him while he is being punished), and then I would get in trouble and punished for tattling.  By him. Or her. Or both of them!  See, what fun playground politics these are!  Clearly, the idea of punishment turns me on.  And clearly, I am in need of a good, over the knee, bare handed spanking like the bad little girl that I am.  Ahem, I think I got off track a bit...

Another form of brat that is interesting me lately is the dicktease brat.  I don't know how well I can pull this one off. I tend to feel awkward about flirting and teasing boys and I kind of avoid it too much if I am not prepared to follow through.  That "look" that guys get when they are pushed to the point where they really want sexual contact... I have a hard time resisting that look, so I try not to push for it unless I am willing to indulge them.  But this would be a very fun skill to develop.  Especially if it was a known part of the game. My years of self denial from my marriage have formed a very strong sense of self-control in me. While I am trying to let go of that control when it is appropriate, and I like to play with having my self-control challenged with orgasm denial and forced orgasms, in most situations, I am not going to lose control of myself sexually. I am far too guarded and ethical in that regard. So I think I could really be challenged and have fun at being a dicktease brat with the right person.

I am very curious about other kinds of brattiness.  I joined a brat group on FetLife and plan to poke around, but I would love to hear your suggestions or ideas!

Monday, April 23, 2012


So it has been about three full days since my play party and I am doing quite well.  I had some worries about sub-drop, but I don't think that is going to happen.  I have been getting good rest and taking care of myself.  And even more importantly, Modu and I have talked at great length about the scene and I feel like I have fully processed it.  My marks are mostly gone, although my scalp is tender from all the hair pulling and I have a large Modu hand shaped bruise on my thigh.  Not many adverse effects for such an intense scene!

I think the talking has really helped.  Not only with him, but with some of my friends who were there.  He wrote a journal entry about it before even I did, which was very good to read.  It was a bit surreal to read about the experience from his eyes.  Maybe that's what my lovers and play partners feel when they read what I write about them here.  It was good for me though, especially since I think the thing I crave most in the days after a scene is the knowledge that the person I played with is also effected in some way, that it was a significant event for them too. It's that bit of reassurance that gets me through the tough droppy feelings, I think.

Now that I have recovered from and have processed this scene, I am thinking about the future regarding scenes like this.  I have no regrets and got what I asked for: a surprise attack, fear play, and giving up control.  I also wanted to have my limits pushed. I had a curiosity and craving for these things and Modu is the only person I trust enough to push me so hard right now. This scene was moving in the direction of consensual non-consent, which I am curious about. But I also think that this scene was a bit too violent for me to want to repeat. I don't think it's really the direction I am interested in pursuing. I think I need more of a sensual element mixed in with the aggression.  I like some variety in intensity, allowing me to catch my breath, and to play in sub-space, which was clearly missing, by his design. So I would keep this in mind when I negotiate in the future.

And now I am left to think about WHY any of these elements interest me. I have twinges of guilt and confusion about it... why would I ask for such violence, why do I crave to give up control to something that resembles assault? I don't really understand why I have the need to invite pain or why I desire and want to draw out the sadism in others and have it inflicted upon me. But I am am fortunate that I am getting to know people who also like these things and who ask these questions, so I don't feel as burdened by them as I once did, even though I still question all of it.  I think I will make a point to talk to more people at the kinky classes we go to about this subject, so I can start to understand it more.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


 A few days before the party, Modulator and I negotiated a scene that involved an element of surprise and fearplay.  I wanted to give up control and let him do as he wished. We negotiated hard limits about sexual contact, nudity, and other things (no squeaky clown noses!).  As the host of the party, I wanted to be sure to tend to my guests' needs before I played, so we had a signal of readiness.  I wore a collar, and when I removed it, I was ready for him to attack me at any time.  I warned a few guests, particularly the ones I am involved with, as well as some of the new kinksters, so as not to frighten them.  And of course, I cleared this with Damascus too.

I took off my collar after the party was in full swing. I tried to forget about him looming around in the distance, I engaged in conversations and light activities with others, and yet I was always aware of his presence.  In my periphery, I saw him remove his watch and glasses and set them on the table.  I knew the time was close.  I continued my conversation with a new friend, and before I knew it, mid sentence, there was a handful of my hair being grasped and an arm around my neck.  There was some growling and I squealed a loud scared, surprised, excited squeal and I was overpowered and dragged backwards to the other side of the room. He is very tall and strong and I felt my body lift off the floor as this happened.  He twirled me around and my back slammed into the planks of the waiting St. Andrew's cross, I felt like a rag doll, unable to move or resist.

He stared into my eyes and growled something about me being a brat and getting what I deserve.  I felt my hand being pulled up and attached to the cross with the soft twistie tie that was hanging there.  I think I pouted and stuck my tongue out at him and he grabbed and clawed at my chest, sending shocks of pain through my body.  He stopped clawing and started doing something at his side, and while he was distracted, I wiggled my one bound hand out from the tie. I was very pleased with myself and let out a very indignant "ha!", which he noticed as I used the free hand to push him away.  And then the sharp knife was held to my neck.

The cold blade slid across my neck and it felt so real and sharp, I had to do a double take and look at him.  "Oh god, don't cut me" I said, as it felt so real. I felt myself roll back into a sub spacey place, but he yanked at my hair and straighten my head so I was locked in eye contact with him. He continued with the knife, dragging across my neck and shoulders, and I alternated between starting to blank out in a spacey state and being pulled back sharply to look at him. I have looked deeply into his eyes many times over the years, so I can be brought back to a place of trust and safety by looking into them, but I had to look through the facade of the evil, angry veneer that he was wearing for the scene.

Most of the scene is sort of a blur. There was a lot of painful hair pulling, there was the scary knife, there was scratching and clawing at my chest, breasts, and back. His big strong hands pressed deeply and painfully into pressure points at my sternum  I was facing forward sometimes and flipped around and pushed into the cross other times.  When facing away from him, he had my head pulled back sharply by my hair and was growling close to my ear, occasionally whispering threats in a raspy voice. While I was not bound by rope or cuffs, I think one of my hands was always restrained by him.  I sometimes had a hand free to fight and push him away, but he is way stronger than me, so it was mostly ineffective. When I was facing him, I felt more able to attempt to fight him off, when I was facing away from him, I was rather helpless. 

While facing away, he was doing some breath play, with his hand on my throat, reaching around from behind.  He pushed me to my limit and I spoke out, "yellow with the choking" and he loosened his grip.  I needed him to know that I didn't want to be pushed any further on that point. While losing control of my mind to subspace was a desire, the real threat of losing physical consciousness was a reality that I didn't want to experience.

 I alternated between fighting, trying to be still as to lessen my pain, and wanting to space out. I found out later that he was specifically trying to prevent me from reaching sub space. Twisted Fucker! He has recently teased me about being a "subspace junkie" so maybe this was his motivation for denying me that in our scene.  In our other times playing, I have been able to space out and it lets the pain and fear wash over me, a sort of serene, surrendering effect.  He did not let me do this, he would not allow me the moment to wash away into a spacey state, he snapped me out of it each time.  When this happened, I think it would make me angry and fight and panic more. Maybe we were playing with fight or flight triggers.  He did pause at a few moments to let me orgasm, which is different than being in sub space. Once, I was raised off of the ground, his knee imbedded between my thighs, as I ground my crotch into his leg, he was lifting me off my my feet as I came repeatedly while restrained with my head and eyes rolled back.

I am sure this only went on for about 10-15 minutes, but it seemed much longer. I think he sensed I was beginning to tire out from the sudden intensity that had been building up over the night.  He clawed the side of my leg deeply, leaving a very distinctive hand mark, which has bruised heavily since then.  The pain from this was confusing and intense, distracted by some other pain happening near my head, maybe a bite to the ear.  It was excruciating.  He quickly flipped me around and pressed me into the cross again, and I orgasmed several times, the pain being washed over by pleasure. He leaned in and growled, "I'm done with you" and he stepped back. I felt a wave of tension release and was relieved to reach the end of the scene and I relaxed, stepping down and away from the cross.  And then I felt him violently and unexpectedly push into me again, pulling at my hair, clawing me somewhere, I can't remember, it was so sudden and surprising.  I heard a loud crunch as the wood base of the St Andrew's cross snapped.  Holy shit, what was that?  I thought.  "Now I am done with you." he growled again and moved away.  

I caught my breath for a moment or two and he came back, this time with a softer touch and caring eyes.  Oh... there was the Modulator that I know and love, the friend who cares about me, the man that I trust.  He led me to the couch, as I was a little wobbly, and got me a drink.  He sat with me for a few minutes as my head swirled.  I cuddled him for a short while as I returned to reality.  I became eager to get up and move around, to shake things off, and to see my party guests again, so after a short while sitting with him, I moved to get up.  A couple of hours later, as the party was winding down, I sat at his feet and we talked about the scene for a bit.  I had the treat of getting to chat with him about it at length the next day, and the nice surprise of reading a journal entry he wrote about it from his perspective.  This level of followup is what I have always received from him, and it brings me great comfort. It is just another one of the things that rings true when he told me, years ago, that he would spoil me for other men.  Big sadistic teddy bear...
As an interesting side note about outside distractions... when I first hit the cross, I became aware of the music, which was playing loudly next to me. One of the charming things about this playspace is the choice of music, which is eclectic and often hilarious.  I think I prefer this to some heavy industrial music that takes itself too seriously and I think it reflects the personality of the owner and the parties he likes to have.  Nevertheless, I was keenly aware that "Fergalicious" was playing, and I cringed and I thought, "Oh please make that stop!". The music, not the scene, heh.  The imagery of the video, with all the sugary sweet candy imagery, popped into my head and was mixing with the violence of this scene in a surreal and bizarre way.  I was somewhat aware of the next songs that played, and I told myself to remember the second one after the scene, as it had some significance, but I lost that memory.  And yet, "Fergalicious" sticks.  So there are candy cane swirls and pink frilly cake images that accompany this scene, in my mind, which is disturbing.  

I lost awareness of everything else, like everyone else in the room, until after the scene.  When I came to and was seated on the couch, I saw that the room had cleared and I was self conscious about that.  There may have been something more awesome going on in the other room, I don't know.  I am sure some people left out of discomfort, I am not sure.  As soon as I recovered and was able to move about, I wanted to check in on my guests again and let them see that I was ok.  I got lots of hugs.

From the start, I desired to hand over control to him, to allow him to create the mood of the scene.  I wanted to put my trust in him and let go.  He could have wanted a softer scene, full of orgasms for me, something more sensual, or a mix of rough and soft.  Or he could express a more violent intensity if he wanted to, which clearly he did.  I accepted this and wanted it.  I may not understand this desire to receive and submit very clearly, but it was a deep desire I had and I feel the need has been satisfied.  I felt very proud of myself for enduring that scene for him and I feel a deeper connection with him for trusting ME to trust him with this risk that I took to give him control.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Playing with Fire

 We had a power outage the other night and brought out the candles.  And then the fire play stuff.  Whee! Flash cotton is fun!  Damascus got the hang of fire cupping, too.  We almost didn't get that far, as I was a little skittish, especially because I got burned on a glass cup last time we experimented. Damascus is really not a sadist and while he may be learning to be a reaction junkie, EEP! is not the reaction that does it for him.  I am glad I talked him into continuing, as we had fun.  It reminded me though, that while I love his caring and sensual nature, I do seek the touch of someone more sadistic who is not afraid to hurt me... someone who actually delights in making me EEP and feel scared and hurty sometimes.

Which brings me to thoughts of tomorrow night.  I am hosting another kinky party!  It should be much fun, I have a full house again of people who seem excited to come and play.  Some new friends/ new kinksters are coming. And of course, I have been busy getting all the arrangements made and making sure everyone is ok and I am doing my best to set up the best party that I can.  And after all of that, I have worked on negotiating something for myself.

I have missed playing with Mr. Modulator.  It has been many months, except for a few brief interludes and flirtations.  He can always make me squirm, even from across the room.  But we have not had a *scene* in a long time.  We have never played in public, actually, it has always been private.  Any minor public play has been discreet and hidden.  So I am very excited that we have negotiated a scene together for tomorrow.  Except, I can't really tell you what that scene is.  Not that I am being coy... I just don't know!  We have negotiated a scene with a certain element of fear and surprise, so while some of the set-up details have been made (limits, codes, safewords), I am giving up control to him to do as he wishes.  This excites me more than I can express! He is the Dominant type partner who knows me best, he knows my limitations and how to push them, and I trust him.  This is a challenge that I have been wanting for a long time so I am feeling pretty excited and a bit nervous.

In other thoughts, I had another dinner with Mr. Toy and his lady (she needs a name too, eh?) Doors that I thought were closed are possibly opening, with some hesitation.  I think we are backpedaling now, trying to start over as we moved a bit too quickly to start.  I think there are some good connections and chemistry there, but we need to be patient and careful and very clear in our communications in order to make it safe and sane to proceed.  I really hate the thought that I may have caused some friction (inadvertently) in a good relationship, and I am more than willing to back off.  Sounds like that won't be necessary, which makes me happy, yet cautious. I am certainly sympathetic to the range of emotion that one goes along with opening up to other partners and forming emotions with other people while respecting one's main relationship, and it can be challenging stuff.  But it sounds like there is interest in something, even if it is simply friendship, with possible kinky connections.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Top-sy Turvy

So, lunch with Mr. Toy's lady went well. I had no idea what to expect, but I figured I crossed a line somewhere and had asked too much. Being afraid of being overly needy is an issue I have in my most level headed times, let alone when I am feeling emotional. But it turns out that wasn't the case at all. In fact, she was upset that he had been cold and unresponsive to me and said I was reasonable in my after-play expectations. They had run into some issues between them that was related to our playing at the party that caused some friction and I was caught in the shrapnel there in the form of being neglected.

I had made assumptions that because they seemed so experienced and advanced, they had worked out all the emotional issues that can come up with playing with new kinky partners. But since they have always played together and this was his first time playing solo, and he usually was a lot of new things for them to experience. Also, she didn't know me as well as he did (which was not terribly well, honestly) and that was new for them too. I think he and I maybe jumped in a little too fast and got too caught up in each other for a couple of hours there, and it was surprising and difficult for her to see. We all should have probably talked a bit more and gotten to know each other before playing. Big lessons learned, all around.

So after lunch, we all met up for dinner at a poly munch and he apologized profusely and sincerely. She said she was fine with us continuing with future play plans, but I remain cautious. I mean, as you can see by my last post, I was pretty let down, so there was a breach of trust that needs to be repaired.

Still, by the end of the night, I felt closer to him and was amused as he vaguely threatened me with his butter knife with a goofy,yet menacing look that kind of makes me melt. He has been very friendly and flirty by text message over the weekend and she has suggested they co-Top me, which sounds hot and fun (and like something we should have started with in the first place). I will see them at kinky class tomorrow and we will chat then, and we plan to have dinner on Wednesday to talk more and get to know each other better.

I feel pretty good about how things have turned around. For a while there, I thought I made a bad decision, but I didn't know all the info. It does concern me that he disappeared once when things got too emotional...he could do it again... and if i start to get closer with him through playing and start to explore my submissiveness with him, this is a big fear, as I will be very vulnerable. So this is why we need to build a closer friendship and negotiate better between all of us and our relationships, so this kind of misunderstanding doesn't happen again. I am curious and cautiously optimistic about further conversations with the both of them this week!

Friday, April 13, 2012


Ok, I think this one last post will be the END of my posting about Mr. Toy.  END<<< get it? Because that is a picture of my ass, aka rear end.  See what I did there?  I am hilarious.  Heh, not that you can tell that's even my bruised ass.  My pictures are becoming more and more abstract as I play with photo editing and stuff. What can I say?  I am an artist.  And a bit of a tease.

So I kind of don't really want to write today but I think it is good for me to just purge the rest of this out and move on.  After I prodded the Toy via text message and received the minimal amount of reassurance, I felt better and it helped me out of the insecurities of my Drop.  A couple days later, I wrote a short message to him telling him that I did have an emotional drop after playing, that it kind of sucked, vaguely asking if that ever happened to him or if he had any words of advice.  No response.  At this point, I am not hurt or angry or sad.  I am kind of annoyed.  I am a bit disappointed.  I mean, part of me was hopeful for him as a possible Top/Dom type person to interact with, but the lack of follow up is pretty much unacceptable.  He was communicative enough leading up to playing, so I had false expectations of some ability or interest in following up afterwards.  But I guess that doesn't always happen. 

It is easy for me to worry that I am being overly needy and high maintenance, but now that I am standing in clearer emotional waters, I don't think that I am.  I really do hope I can find people to do kinky play with casually.  But casual to me still means communication and compassion.  I want to play with people who are friends, who care about me throughout the whole process, who want to talk with me just because they care and like me. I am an emotionally and sexually complex intellectual and I need to play with people who can understand and meet me at that level.  That's more important to me than a random fun time at a party. 

Ok, there may be a change.  I just got a message from Mr. Toy's Domme.  Have I mentioned that he is a collared bottom who is exploring his own Top/Dom side?  Heh, I may have left that out.  It is complex.  Didn't I just mention that I am a complex person?  Anyway, she wants to meet for lunch to talk, and she acknowledged that he has been cold to me and that I deserve better, but I have to get to know her better.  Very interesting development!  Just that makes me feel better, although I am very curious what she has to say.  At least I feel like I didn't choose to play with a jerk who dropped communication afterwards.  There may have been more at play. I may have stepped into some protocol issues here.  This is all new territory for me, maybe for them too.  You know what, I am going to publish this post. The way I felt above is good and true, but it may change.  Perhaps I made assumptions too quickly.  Maybe the game is not over, after all. This is real life, and things change, sometimes pretty rapidly and unexpectedly.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Lights in the Dark

 Thank you all for your support and love the last couple of days. Seriously, I am extremely touched that so many of you read what I write in this space and reach out to me when I sound like I am struggling. I love and appreciate you all.  You are like beacons of light when things get dark for me.

 I have been reading a lot of articles about Sub Drop and wow, most of them describe what I was going through perfectly.  Reading about the brain chemistry and adrenaline and endorphins and what can happen to the body and brain after an intense event  made me realize that while my thoughts and emotions may feel  irrational, what I am experiencing is a completely common and rational occurrence.  And fortunately, I was pretty aware that it was coming and knowing that is really helpful.  It felt a little like PMS, but with better warning patterns... I knew it could happen and to watch out for it.  Usually with PMS, I am caught off guard and don't associate my wild wave of emotions until it is done and I can reflect.  This was expected, I knew what was happening, and I tried to keep it contained.  Still sucks, but I don't think I have inflicted any damage or crazy onto anyone too badly.

I am still having some lingering effects and self doubt. I think the thing I am most insecure about right now is that the amount of thinking and processing and follow-up that I do is too high maintenance for everyone around me.  And I see other people who seem so much more free with what they do, without all the complications and heaviness.  And this is not just with kink.. it's with sex and love, too.  I see myself as too clingy and needy and overwrought with thought about all these issues.  And I have to keep reminding myself that this is who I am and not to compare myself with anyone, because for one thing, I don't know what they are really going through or what motivates them internally.  And for another thing, I am really not as bad as I seem to think I am.  I mean, it's not like people are turning me away or running in fear because I need to talk about my thoughts and feelings frequently.  Which again, is evidenced by so many of you awesome people who reach out to support me, proving my fears and insecurities wrong.  Those insecurities are just nagging little buggers, patterns from former versions of me that stubbornly resurface.  I really hope that in the practice of repetition and being aware of these things, they will diminish. I am still fun and happy most of the time, and I enjoy sexy and kinky times, I just like to talk and write about it a lot to process my thoughts.  That's sexy to some people (and I may be talking about YOU here!)

By the way, now I actually have a bit of PMS. So fun times... Sub Drop and PMS sammich. Good thing I am going to a fucking chocolate party in two days!  Gimmie chocolate!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


 Ok, so last night's post came from some dark places.  I want to delete it in embarrassment, but this is my place to put this stuff, so it should stay.  The topics of conversation after class which induced some phobia inflicted panic mixed with my disappointment and sub drop, and I was quite a mess. I am feeling better this morning.  I am still a bit confused feeling but this is the perspective I have now:

Public kinky play is very new for me.  It's really only been three months.  And I have only had a few regular Dom-type partners and I have been very close with them and they have been very concerned about my mental and emotional state.  Jumping into playing with someone new that I don't have an emotional support base with may have been a little premature.  Sure, the lead up and actual play was incredibly fun, but I was not prepared for the emotional aftermath.  And I am in a weird place of not knowing this playmate well enough to seek care without feeling needy and clingy.  I don't regret it, and I did have a fucking amazing time.  I think I would even do it again, taking the emotional aftermath into effect, or being more upfront about my needs in the aftercare department. This kind of play is a risk and I am aware of that and I took that risk.  So maybe I am paying an emotional toll now.  I think I have learned to not discount how I might feel days later and the needs I will have then, even when the anticipation of playing are so strong and exciting, and I need to make that a part of my decision making with a new partner.  I have to look at the whole picture.

My long hours at home alone do not help my mental state and the seeds of self doubt start to bloom.  I am trying to hold strong to the sentiments of yesterday's post and be proud of myself and reassure myself that I am strong and good and things are ok. But lots of questions remain.  Lots.  I wrote most of these last night, and I will dump them here, as this is my space to do so:

It it all worth it? Do the extreme highs make up for the lows?Am I having these issues because I am new and inexperienced? Does it get better? Should I be more careful in playing with someone new where a D/s dynamic may arise, if I don't have an established relationship to deal with the emotional aftermath? How do I know when such a dynamic might arise? Would it help if I was just bottoming? Is that something I can even do, consciously? Will I ever be able to be playful and enjoy without all this heavy emotional stuff? When does aftercare become a burden? Am i too needy? Is it a submissive's sole responsibility to seek the care they need? Can I take steps to provide my own aftercare or what can I do to make the drop less painful? Why is my drop immediately followed by a sense of frenzy? Is there a danger of kink being drug-like? What is the difference between desire and need? Is pain a dangerous thing to fuck around with because of the endorphins that end up unsettling the emotions? Is the exchange of power a dangerous thing to fuck with because of the psychological impact? Again, is all this worth it? And if so, does it get better?

And I just got a message back from Mr. Toy, after poking him a bit by text message.  A few simple words calmed so many of the monsters in my head.  Questions still remain, but perhaps I can move forward feeling more at ease and reassured.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Bloody Disappointment

Well fuck. That was incredibly disappointing and unpleasant. Damascus and I drove out to kinky class for the after-meeting, but we just missed seeing Mr. Toy (uh, he may need a better name here, but I need to write, not make up names right now). It was frustrating because I had been looking forward to seeing him and being able to reconnect for a few days since we played at the party. This possibility has helped hold off some of the sub drop I have been anticipating, and to have been so close, yet so far... Well, I had a little meltdown. It didn't help that the class tonight was on blood play and I am so disturbingly squeamish about it that we couldn't go on time for the whole class. And the disappointment of not seeing him mixed with feeling jumpy and sickened by the lingering conversations about blood that made me have to leave the room a few times. Ugh, and the one pleasant and enlightening conversation we were having with a new friend was interrupted by the most annoying, egotistical asshole that we call 17Floggers. What a dick. Not a good night, not at all. I started to melt down while hiding in the bathroom for a while, and barely kept composed enough to say goodbye and sneak out. I cried most of the way home... illogical, overly emotional tears that I was ashamed about. Holy hell, I love Damascus, who held my hand and listened and understood and comforted me. He is so amazing to stay by my side on this journey, which seems so fucking crazy at times. I hope to sleep soon, with the hopes that this will pass by morning and the sunrise will bring more clarity.


Well, despite all my worrying, overthinking, and nervousness about the play party and playing with someone new, things went very well and I had a fucking fantastic time!  While I technically followed Hedo's challenge about not privately writing to my prospective playmate about the upcoming event, I maybe cheated a bit with other creative flirting and public conversations that happened on Fet Life on my wall that were flirty-like and negotiation building. But I am ok with that, and I am sure Hedo is ok with that too, as the main goal was to help me to get the thing I wanted: playing with this someone new. In this process, I learned a couple of things that seem a lot clearer to me now.

Part One: As much as I sometimes would like to be more vocal and outwardly flirtatious, I do just fine with what I do.  Prisma reminded me of this on our shared ride to the play party.  I was tearing myself down about how I didn't assert myself as physically as I would have liked in person, I wasn't the hot little flirty sex bunny that I envisioned.  She put it in perspective that whatever it was that I did, it looked like I was going to have a great time with a new play partner that night. So whatever it was I did or didn't do... I communicated my desires in a way that made things happen, and that is not a small task. While I might admire and envy some of the other girls that I see who are more flirtatious and forward and verbal in their desires, that just might just not be my style.  And even if I don't do those things that I think of as overly flirtatious, I am going to be attracted to and attract people who are interested in the way I DO flirt.  Even if that is all awkward and shy and coy or involves a lot of writing and creativity.  Those things might be hot to someone, in fact, I know they are, because introverted intelligence and quiet creativity are sexy to ME. I should try to be content with the skills and personality I do have instead of foolishly envying the things I don't have. 

I mean, so maybe I flirt by drawing dozens of pictures like these on a popular drawing game with the object of my affection...

 That's creative and fun and silly and THAT might be a huge turn on for someone. And isn't that the kind of person that I would want to be attracted to me?  Someone who likes these things about ME, not the someone I am trying too hard to be.

But really, come on... how else could you draw RABBIT? :)

Part Two: So all that talk before about wanting to "just bottom".... yeah, I think that was misguided.  I am still finding a fuzzy grey line between the differences between bottoming and subbing, and maybe there are middle grounds, but I am clearly interested in the Dom/sub dynamic.  It is fun for me to find it and draw it out during playtime.  It is the power exchange and fighting for control that I crave, and if I see an opportunity and feel safe and trust my partner, I seem to have ways of coaxing it out.  Being bratty, teasing, backtalk, resistance, and the simple yet effective *sticking out of the tongue*... these things work very well in poking at the Domly buttons.  And I totally did that with this new top Toy.  Our play felt like a mix of bottoming and subbing on my part and I really enjoyed it.  I think we tried a lot of different things, both toys and sensations, and attitudes and possibilities that might uncover a future dynamic of some sort.  I am curious if we will play again and what he thought of the experience.  Tonight, I again have the challenge of seeing him and person and trying to wrestle up the courage to talk about the party.  I prefaced tonight's meeting with my ever comfortable *hey, I wrote you a book about our experience as my aftercare!* email.  Heh.  But I am not going to feel bad about that... it is who I am and how I process, and if I have really learned from Part One, it is that there are things about me that I like and accept and do that are healthy and positive, and I don't want to change those things for the sake of trying to be something that I am not.  I want to always be evolving and growing, but the things I do that are a good part of ME are things that I need to stand behind and be proud of.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Desires and Limits

I have been writing and revising this post for a few days now and decided to delete it and start fresh.  It was kind of redundant, as I have gone over a lot of the things I had written before, and it was taking me a long time to get to the whole point of the post.  Which is that I have become interested in potentially playing with some new partners, with more of an interest in bottoming rather than subbing.  I am happy with the D/s elements in the relationships I have at the moment, but there is room for me to play around with sensation and new play partners, especially at upcoming parties and events.  I would like to be able to feel more free to play with others that I am not SO emotionally/romantically/psychologically connected with.  It would be nice to just be spanked, flogged, whipped, or to explore other things that I am curious about.  Not that I object to another dominant force, I am just mostly looking for something a little more playful in a public sense.

As it happens though, the post I deleted is indicative of what I am going through on this new quest.  As I read and re-read it, it sounded like I was making a lot of justifications and using my best reasoning to try to convince myself that wanting to bottom and play is acceptable and warranted. I thought I was over this thing with the feeling guilty and shameful for wanting things and going after them, but it still lingers, I guess, and comes out when I seek something new.  It is not the sort of soul crushing guilt and shame that I dealt with in my early poly and kink journey, not nearly that intense.  But it is this thing that pokes and nips at me, making me overthink and write and become overly verbose and overly analytical.  And it also makes me overly shy and nervous which prevents me from the things I want as well.  But at least now I recognize it earlier and can take action to make changes.  It's not wrong to have desires, and when those desires are safe, sane, and consensual (both for myself and my relationship), there is really no reason for me to hold back anymore, is there?

So the guilt and shame monster reared it's ugly head head again this week(even though it is more mouse sized this time) and I became unable to speak up for my desires in person at one opportunity.  There are more opportunities, though.  My go-to resolution to the inability to speak with my voice was going to be to write, but Hedo stepped in and gave me a challenge to not use my writing to arrange for what I want.  Instead, I must wait and use my voice, in person, at the play party tomorrow.  Which is anxiety producing, of course, especially since I failed the other night, and since I can get much more accomplished in advance with writing, I worry that I will choke again at the party and I will miss out on some potential playtime that I can probably have if I just ask.  But he will be there to hold me accountable for these desires and will have some motivation and reward/punishment for me (and THAT is part of OUR play dynamic anyway, so I will not be missing out on some sort of playtime in any case...).  So I am stepping away from the more comfortable thing of writing and playing Hedo's game, which, really, is better for me in the long term from a personal growth perspective.

So I am not using this space to write about what I want.  But I think it is a good time for me to write about what I don't want, to keep it fresh in my mind and available for potential new play partners.  Thus is my current list of hard and soft limits:

My safeword is PURPLE! Caution/slow down word is yellow. I really don't want to use either of them except for in an emergency. I prefer to play with someone who learns my limits and knows how to properly push them without needing me to safeword out.

Hard Limits
No activity that would cause permanent injury or harm
No dead people, no former food, no bestiality, no children
No medical play/examination
No needles or puncturing
No blood play
No infant play or young girl/boy age play
No gunplay or other live weapons
No branding, scarification, tattoos, piercing
No heavy markings, especially in socially visible areas.
No mind altering substances during play
No choking/loss of consciousness
No smoking 

Consent is crucial: please do not bring non consenting players to our scene and make sure I consent to any additional players coming into our scene as well.

Health Concerns
Too much pressure or strain on my wrists.  I work with my hands for a living, I gotta keep them safe.

Soft Limits
No gagging or blindfolding during early scenes (especially with restraints) until we have learned to communicate properly and trust is established, then these things can be negotiated.

No complete public nudity. This may change over time or depending on the scene, but for now, its panties on (perhaps more) depending on my mood at the time. Negotiate beforehand.

No bare sexual contact (below the waist) or penetration of any sort until we have established a connection and have negotiated these things, especially in a public scene

Decorative Shibari-type ropework is something I reserve for my primary partner at this time. So doing pretty knots and rope corsets and rope suspensions should be avoided unless Damascus is present/assisting/learning. This is different than bondage or functional ropework... because sometimes a squirmy girl needs to be tied down with some rope, so that's ok to do! :)

I may be dizzy and disoriented and sleepy so help finding a place to relax after a scene is important. Water or a drink would be appreciated. A few minutes of snuggling would be welcomed, but may not be necessary. I tend to want aftercare the next day and/or the day after that in the form of email/text message/phone call to check up on me. When the high of the scene drops many hours later, I like some reconnection by communication as aftercare.

I tend to do self-aftercare by writing or talking a lot, usually a day or two after a scene. I will mostly likely write you a book of my thoughts about our experience, lol. I would like to be encouraged, or at least humored, in this area, as it is good for my own personal growth and understanding. I do not expect to be written back at the same level, although all communication is welcomed.

I am sure I have forgotten something or other.  But we will start with this.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Change of View

Just now, I changed my panties from perfectly clean, adequate, yet kind of baggy frumpy panties to much cuter and more skimpy form-fitting ones.  I am not going on a date and I am not expecting anyone to see them tonight. I just didn't feel sexy under my pants. So I went out of my way to change just the panties, simply so I might feel a little bit more sexy and less frumpy. And you know what? It worked. And this all occurred without me giving it much thought... I was uncomfortable because I didn't feel as sexy as i could for a completely average, evening without sexual expectations, and so I made a change because it seemed like a completely logical and rational thing to do for myself. I feel like this is kind of a significant thing, as insignificant as it is in reality. It's like I am starting to think that wanting to feel cute and sexy, deep down and all for myself, is important or something. Imagine that.

In other random thoughts, I am really at the end of my archive of sexy pictures of myself that are bloggable. And I found a fun new photo editing program to play with! Clearly, this means I need more sexy pics. This is a reminder and an invite for help for making some new images for the blog. Any offers to help? :)