I have had a lot going on in the last week or so that has given me much to think about. There was a play party, where I had a lot of fun, my date with Hedo which was wonderful and made me search deep and think about what I want in my life, and also some other challenging decisions.
The party was fun and I got to really brat it up with Mr. Toy. I wasn't sure that would happen but his Alpha Domme joined us at first and seemed to give us the blessing. I started a post about just that scene but I wanted to get into some of the deeper stuff now.
Before the party, I was getting some strange vibes and vague texts from Hedo about needing to talk and how he was evaluating things in his life. Gulp. In dating speak, that sounded like break up talk. But I don't know if you would exactly call us dating (even though yeah, I just called our evening plans a date). Whatever it was, it sounded kind of scary and as it sometimes does, our text message conversation started to go south quickly and we opted to upgrade to a phone call to calm things down before seeing each other at the party. We talked on the phone, talked again at the party, and then for a couple of hours on our date, and it was rather serious. We had been drifting apart a bit over the last month and a half, and he couldn't keep up. While we had been messaging, it was at a more casual pace and we didn't get any face to face time. We discussed it and discovered that we both really like the mentorship aspect of our relationship as well as the D/s aspects that we shared and we can't have that sort of relationship effectively if we are not communicating. He didn't know how to challenge me based on what I had been experiencing recently (which has been a LOT). So we needed to decide how and if to pursue this type of relationship further.
Now, there had been a part of me that had been holding back. While I did want to seek his guidance many times, and I did when things got particularly confusing and challenging over the last month, I held back on expressing everything to him. I worried that I would overload him with emails and information, that I would look crazy or way too complicated to want to be involved with. This was my hang-up and learning that he was feeling lost with me was very eye opening. I kept quiet, waiting my days until I would see him again, being happy with what I could have of his time, and trying not to burden him too much with asking for advice or wanting too much interaction. This was clearly the wrong approach and was a miscommunication between us.
The truth is, whatever this thing I have with Hedo is, it is very important to me. And he has been teaching me and pushing me and challenging me to ask for the things that I want and express myself as fully and as clearly as I can, but I didn't do it with him. I can't claim to fully understand what it means to be submissive or to seek the care and guidance of a Dominant, but my instincts and heart have led me to him and I have put great trust in him. There are things that he doesn't understand about his Dominance, too, and is vulnerable enough to tell me that he is concerned that he can't give me the proper experience that I seek. But this has been such an amazing experience so far, and it is one I deeply wish to continue and explore much further. So we discussed it and figured out some ways that we can stay connected with the time and energy we have to devote to this. I will be writing to him more and I will be more assertive in my efforts to share with him and spend time with him when our schedules allow. I am happy and feel fulfilled with this new commitment to this dynamic and I intend to take it seriously and give him all I can.
In other relationship news, Juesance and I, after a couple of months of disagreements, inactivity, and friction, have decided to discontinue our romantic relationship. I adore that man but we made each other crazy trying to be in a relationship. I had an emotional conversation with him about two weeks ago where we decided to downgrade to a friends-with-benefits situation, and I gave that some time to sink in, but that didn't feel right either. I have been growing and changing in the time we have been together. He was my first polyamorous relationship while with Damascus and it presented many problems that we worked though. And there is much love but sometimes love isn't enough.
I started to realize that the whole initial reason for opening the door to polyamory was so that it would make my explorations in BDSM easier to deal with. Because with BDSM, I wasn't sure if I would play with people publicly in a sexy but mostly platonic way, if I would want to have private kinky times with sexual relationships, or if I would want to have full relationships, perhaps with romantic love, with play partners. I wasn't sure how I might feel about having play partners or forming a relationship with a Dom. I think this was a good approach, because I still don't know, and I have a little bit of all of those sorts of relationship styles going on now in my Kinky journey. I think poly allows me the freedom to be able to explore kink with my full mind, body, and heart. And it has been becoming clear that BDSM is the main goal, not simply having other romantic relationships. I have the room in my heart for those relationships, but I have the complexity to need so much more, and the craving is greater than the want for more love or sex or companionship alone. I thrive on this kinky complexity and I am starting to really focus on it now with less distraction.