Well, I guess it's time for my traditional pre-party brain dump. This weekend should prove to be interesting. Tonight there is the regular monthly play party and tomorrow night I have a private play date with Hedo. (oh, and next weekend I am attending TWO private play parties).
I must say that the parties have become less stressful in some ways, especially since I have hosted two of my own. I know more people, have become much less shy, and have seemed to be able to arrange some sort of play for myself at each party to make me feel like they have been good kinky experiences. But still, each party presents its own set of sometimes confusing possibilities and challenges. While Damascus comes with me to the parties and we sometimes play a little with rope or fire or something, I think we are both looking to use that time to play with others. At least, I am, and he encourages me as much as he can.
The challenge for me is that I don't really have a single Top/Dom partner to play with. I have a few possibilities, which is wonderful, but it is also potentially complicated and frustrating. All of my current roster of play partners have other primary relationships and even secondary relationships that I have to navigate and negotiate before playing. So I can be in a position of getting ready for a party with several possible play partners who will be there, but having no idea or plan about what might happen. And I always like to have a plan. At least a plan that *something* might happen. And I don't even know IF something will happen. Which puts me in a space between waiting patiently to see if things will happen and being assertive and asking for something to happen, which is a difficult place to be for me.
Ok, so let's just put all the crazy cards on the table. Here is my big fear: I will go to a party, I have several people that I have played with and have good relationships with and can potentially play with in attendance at the party, and I have a desperate desire and willingness for a kinky experience (or many). And nothing happens and I leave feeling rejected and frustrated.
I have spent so many years of my life waiting and being patient and making sure everything is perfect. But nothing is ever perfect and I fear that I let opportunities pass while I am waiting. I am doing that less now and I have taken a lot of risks and am finally getting the experiences I so deeply crave. It is still hard and I still hesitate and let opportunities pass because I am being too cautious and not taking risks or just asking for what I want. I am ready.