Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Coming Out

I have kept many of the things I write about here on the blog pretty private to the world around me. When I started my journey of self discovery around the time of my divorce, I talked about some of my interests and tendencies to my friends at the time.  I learned that things like polyamory, open relationships, bisexuality, and kink can make people uncomfortable.  I lost a couple of friends that had been friends for a long time, which was painful, particularly at a painful time in my life like during my divorce.  Of course, looking back, I can see that these were not real friends, if they couldn't handle the reality of my life.  My friends now take me as I am and are authentic and challenge me.

I sell my ceramic wares every Saturday and Sunday at a local artisan market.  I spend every Saturday and Sunday from 11-7 in that space, making sales, working on craft projects, and people watching. While some of the other vendors are temporary or semi- regular, there are some vendors I see every weekend, and they have become my weekend family.  While my regular groups of friends are out enjoying their weekend and are out of touch, I share my weekends with these amazing artisans and entrepreneurs.  After about 6 months of knowing some of them, I have started to form some pretty good friendships.  But still, I have kept many of these subjects pretty private to these new friends.  Until recently.

My last two dates with Juesance have been on Saturday nights, after the market.  With my friends being off on their weekend adventures, and me sitting at the market all day feeling increasingly excited on Saturdays and blissfully happy on Sundays, I was starting to find the need to talk about it to the people around me.  It was scary to start to have those conversations, as I feared the reactions and judgements. I tend to seem quiet and shy and it seems that even people who have known me for a few months become very surprised that I am working on an open relationship and seeing a few people, that I am into BDSM, and that I am bisexual.  I guess I hide pretty well under my "good girl" guise.

I have not encountered judgement, I am pleased to say. They look at me a little wide eyed at first, but once the idea sinks in, my vendor friends are excited and curious about my life!  At first, when I say I have a date that night, almost everyone asks if I am cheating, in this whispery voice like they are getting some good gossip from me. They are relieved though, and a little confused, when I say that no, I am very opposed to cheating and I am all about transparency in my relationships. They are surprised that my partners have met, and can even hang out together without problems. They ask questions, and I encourage them to do so.  Questions about logistics, jealousy, how it all works. Since I am still figuring it all out myself, it helps me to explain things and put these ideas into words.  Most of them say they admire my honesty and efforts. Many say they could never have such a relationship themselves because of their own jealousy issues, or that they can't get the hang of communicating in one relationship, let alone multiple.  At least one friend has told me that she would love to do the same thing, as she is married and is cheating with someone else, albeit on the "down low", and would love to live more honestly.  

I am so glad it has been a positive experience to "come out" about this stuff this time around.  And it is a very interesting social experiment for me too.  I have learned so much by explaining it to others.

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