Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Core of the Fire

So there has been a lot of thinking and talking and growing and fucking going on here lately!  I don't really have a solid blog post theme today but I feel the need to take a moment and record some of my feelings here, so I am going to sit here and work and write a little bit at a time, trying to capture one or two of the thoughts that are spinning through my head.  I was talking with Prisma last night and I said that this whole polyamory business seems so complicated at times, but so damn simple at other times. Simple, I guess, meaning that it feels so right and sure to me, when all of the other extraneous, unwanted emotions are burning away and I am staring right into the core of the fire.  She reminded me that it is helpful to talk (and write) about it to work through things, and I agree.  There has been so much talking lately, with Damascus, with friends old and new, and lovers past and present, and writing my thoughts down here is helpful too.

The spark between Juesance and I turned quite fevered and we connected in very exciting and hot ways the other night!  It was rather intense and satisfying, and now that the initial fever has been quenched, I am left with a clearer mind and heart.  In my quest to be with him, I was a bit insensitive in speaking with Damascus, which had me feeling upset with myself.  It wasn't a major rift, more of a question of my tone and not being as thoughtful as I should have been, and I apologized and I feel forgiven.  In a way, I am glad it happened, because now I know how it feels to fuck up a little bit, and we have weathered it just fine.  He really seems to be genuinely happy for me and the happiness that I am finding, and that is so important to me.  As I am starting to feel more settled and less confused in my relationships, I am starting to think towards helping to support him in finding a girl to be flirty or sexy or have a relationship with, either alone or with me, which he seems interested in perusing.  

It can be so very challenging to spend so much time thinking about relationships (especially when there are multiple relationships that intersect) and really concentrating on what it is that I want in this life. It is far easier to find something comfortable and cling to it and coast through blindly in that comfort.  But I did that for a long time, and it wasn't enough.  I was so unfulfilled and spent so much time longing and fantasizing about having experiences and sharing love and pleasure with others, and I have a lot of difficulty now thinking about being in that same place of constricting monogamy.  I do like having a partner in a primary role, someone with whom I can share my daily life and dreams. I am not so much afraid of commitment; I fear stagnancy and feeling trapped.  I enjoy having the security and consistency of a primary partner, plus the opportunity to explore the other things that I crave, whether it is a feeling of infatuation, a sexual desire, the touch of another woman, or exploring fantasies of a more kinky nature that my partner might not share.

Through all of this soul searching, Damascus and I found there was some stagnancy in our lives together, which we are now examining.  These are things unrelated to the polyamory issue, things like finances, domestic chores and daily living issues, personal space and privacy, and dreams and goals.  I fear that we let some of these things slide and go unnoticed, perhaps partially in the distraction of the poly issues, but now we are paying attention to them, and I am confident we can resolve a lot of these questions we have.  We tend to work well together and want to tend to each others needs, so I feel good about working together to make sure our relationship is as strong as it can be.  Of course, this means more thinking and attention from me. I am terrible about voicing my needs and establishing and enforcing my boundaries, so that's another challenging thing I will need to work on.

That's the state of the Anagama today.  I am not feeling the guilt that often plagues me. I am eagerly challenged, consciously aware, ethically satisfied, content yet questioning, and happy!

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