Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Clitoral Love

So, I have a complicated relationship with my clitoris.

It amazes me that the tiny little cubic inch of flesh and nerves between my legs can cause me so much pleasure and pain. Almost all of my sexual energy comes from my clit.  The throbbing, the pulsing, the desire, and the orgasms can feel so big they fill the whole room... all from just a touch to that pretty pink spot...sometimes it just takes the idea or threat of touch to do it. And when I am feeling lustful without the ability to release, the fire from my clit makes me crabby, angry, frustrated, and pained.  I feel full body pain from the wanting, radiating from my clit to my belly to my breasts to my shoulders and knees.  It is an ache that can only be calmed from some direct attention from the touch of another, to that tiny little nub of flesh, as it is barely satisfied by my own hand anymore. It seems so simple and easy, but it is the hardest thing in the world for me to ask for.

 I hate dwelling on the awful sexual issues I had with my ex-husband, because I am clearly moving on, but this is one issue that has been a very difficult source of shame and pain and it is one of the hardest things for me to move on from.  Obviously he was undereducated on the finer points of female sexual anatomy.  He had an aversion to my clit that I could never understand. I tried any way I could to discuss my needs for clitoral stimulation with him... talking, guiding, praising, reading to him, crying, begging, yelling... nothing would get through to him.  I think he had the frat boy mentality that Sex equals Penis into Vagina and that was good enough for him and it should be good enough for me, too.  But it wasn't enough and has never been enough. PIV sex is awesome and I love it, but I need more... I need some clit love to feel sexually satisfied, and I crave it more than anything else.  I think he may have even seen it as a deviant fetish, like I was asking him to indulge something more unusual like a foot fetish or water sports, which he would have clearly thought was disgusting.  So I asked and asked and was rejected and rejected. Eventually I decided sex just wasn't important in our relationship and I was going to be ok with that and then I went on birth control pills for about five years that effectively killed my clit, so that made my life much easier, as sad as that is.  When I went off that pill, the nagging and throbbing desire came back, and I was unsatisfied again, so I was miserable and thought about going back on the pill to kill it again. I resisted and we soon after split up, for a variety of reasons, but incompatibility with sex was a major one.  He is long gone, but the shame of that rejection to my precious clitoris still haunts and effects me.

This is all so difficult to write and think about and I realize that it is absolutely ridiculous. I have been working very hard to challenge my sexual self lately, so I guess that is why I am sitting here, babbling on about my clit. I guess most people have some kind of sexual hangup and this is mine, but it feel so irrational. I hate that I recently finally broke down and talked to Damascus about this and it turned into tearful conversations with me stumbling over my words, probably making him feel confused. Damn, I hate when I do that. I have found myself mostly silent about my clitoral needs to him, which is also ridiculous, because he is always eager to please me. And while he is wonderful about picking up on my body language and knows the ways I like to be touched, I have wanted more, and can't ask. I just get stuck in that old brain of having the love of my life reject my most basic desire, so I shut down and stay blocked, too afraid of rejection. I have mixed feelings about the fact that it took having a new lover to challenge me before I could really open up about this, but perhaps that is exactly what is so very wonderful and uplifting about having a variety of lovers.  Having talked about it, and now blogged about it, and having it out in the open, I hope will help me in the future.

I think that all these years of longing and fantasizing have caused me to create a fetishistic view of my clit now.  I am beyond needing a little rubbing every now and then.  I want it to be adored, loved, and worshiped even.  I want it to be explored with focused curiosity and I want to allow it to experience a variety of experiments.  Maybe try clamps, clothespins, ice, heat, vibrations, tickles, light touches and licks.  Yes... licks, lots and lots of those, because I crave cunnilingus so very much, and spent decades desiring it with no satisfaction in reality.  I want to be teased and to beg for contact with it, I want to learn to build my orgasms instead of coming at the first thought of contact, and I want to be spread open and eagerly enjoyed, having those room filling orgasms that I know I am capable of.  Someday, I want to feel that I can love my clit and have it loved in return.

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