Ok, these thoughts are fleeting fast, so I want to get them down in words. I have vaguely alluded to someone new in my life recently. Meeting Juesance has been a bit of a whilrwind in some ways, but I am feeling quite clear and grounded in my feelings of connection with him. I have been thinking about how immediate and focused my feelings can be for people sometimes, just upon initial meeting. In the last three years, I have had these experiences of immediate attraction and bonding with both friends and lovers including Damascus and Modu as well as with my best buddy. I have been thinking that my instincts for letting people into my life are very strong and distinct, and I should trust them.
And then, of course, I second guess that thought. Because I second guess most everything lately. And not without reason... I am terrified of repeating the same mistake I made in my marriage, of course. Even though I know that it was not one mistake, but a series of many mistakes. And you know, Intaglio and I had that same immediate and intense connection when we first met. But it was not always bad, there were many years of good, mostly those early years. So perhaps I can return to my theory that I have good instincts of letting people into my life.
I think the real issue, one that I need to keep in my awareness, is not the issue of trusting my self to let people in... it is my failures of letting people go. Clearly, I held on to a terrible marriage for many years longer than I should have. I couldn't let go, even when it was in my best interest. After much turmoil, I eventually did let it go, and perhaps that decision will save me from future heartbreak. A couple of years ago, I had to let go of another relationship, when I was with Dante, as things had become destructive. That was complex and painful and in a way, not my decision, but I did let go and felt stronger in doing so. And it turns out that just needed to be a temporary letting go of him, as I have been able to let him back in recently in a new place of friendship, and I feel safe in doing so now. I think I am being more mindful of discovering my boundaries and defining the things I want and need in relationships and having the strength to express those things. I think I am also now becoming more willing to either adapt or consider ending relationships that have the potential to become destructive.
Not that I am considering letting go of anyone right now! I want to be clear about that! :) This is just the course that my brain is going through, questioning my judgement in starting these intense relationships that I seem to be drawn into. Perhaps the thoughts about deciding to have to let go are also brought on because of the decision to put my doggie to sleep last week. That is the ultimate letting go of someone, isn't it? But again, it became very clear that to continue on would be destructive for not only my poor puppy, but to my own heart. And I feel sad, but confident and ultimately good about that decision.
It amazes me how the universe works. I am not one to believe in fate or destiny or the will of some god, but sometimes it is just a very strange and mysterious thing the way we all swirl around together, sometimes reaching out to one another or colliding together or letting each other go back into the swirl of chaos that is life...
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