I have been evolving. I am not exactly sure what I am evolving into, but I feel very happy and content in a very deep way. It's sometimes confusing and I often have questions, but I am trying to not be too overwrought about them and am concentrating on enjoying the experience and the evolution.
The details of my submission (if that is the word to use... i can't think of anything more appropriate) have become very personal to me. I sometimes share them with people very close to me with a hushed glee and intense joy. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of the things I am doing and being asked to do. They are deeply erotic and satisfying to me. But they feel very personal and I am feeling more protective and private about them. I don't seem to have the need to write about the events and acts to process them right now. I am simply enjoying reveling in the experiences. Sometimes I am so happy that I get scared to express it, for fear of it vanishing. But mostly I want to live in the moment and enjoy it as much as I can.
I have felt the need for everything else to slow down. I have felt the need for the static and noise to quiet down. I am not looking for partners for play or for dating. I am not seeking romance or other sexual exploration with new partners and all my other intimate relationships have ended or have paused. I am content with my love relationship with Damascus and this thing-that-we-don't-have-to-define with Mr Toy and his Alpha Domme and I don't want anything else. These dynamics are enough to keep me very challenged and content. It is a complex thing that I want, and I am aware that it is a lot to ask of Damascus. I have hope that it is possible to have all the things, with patience and communication and time. I also hope that the complexity of it all will start to become something that is simple to understand. I wish to explore these things and I am feeling like I have found some special people to explore them with.
I am not sure when I will write again. Perhaps as I continue to comprehend the paradoxes of finding freedom in giving up control, I will need to sort things out more. Perhaps I will someday write from a place of gratitude and clarity, secure in my submission and able to express it clearly and eloquently. For now, I wish to submerge myself fully in the evolution and try to continue to embrace it as I learn more about myself in the process.