Sunday, August 19, 2012

Service and Obedience

I started writing this post several weeks ago and I never finished it.  I was reminded of it when I saw a post on Fet Life from a popular kinky podcaster who had some of the same revelations inspired by the same book in the third paragraph, so I came back to find this post still relevant, but with some updated thoughts I can add.

I have been thinking a lot about the forms that my submissive desires take.  This has been a challenge to me in many ways.  I read about other submissive types and the things they seem to desire or are asked to do by their Dominants.  I see and read a lot of things on FetLife and I try some of those roles and activities on in my mind.  Not a whole lot of it sticks and grabs me hard enough to fantasize about, but when they do, I start to crave and obsess about them frequently.  It is clear to me that my desires are beyond parties and occasional playtimes, I seek something longer term and consistent with someone special.

I have been reading a book called Conquer Me which has been very helpful in my understanding. In one chapter, the author talked about different kinds of submission, a popular type involving service.  When I read about service types of submission, I have a hard time relating, especially if it is domestic type service in nature.  I can comprehend the want to serve someone in such a way, to make someone's life easier, and even sexualizing domestic types of service, but those things don't appeal to me. In fact, they turn me off. And they are kind of triggery, particularly when it reminds me of my marriage.  I have done enough cleaning, cooking, and serving people in my life in marriage and in retail work, and have been unappreciated for it in a way that makes me feel resentful and uninterested in including it in my kink in any way.

I was controlled in those domestic ways, but ignored in sexual ways, so sexual approaches to submission are appealing. It makes me feel cared for, desired, and treasured to let someone have control of my sexuality for a scene, or an afternoon, or longer. I think it is because I know that someone is thinking about me as a sexual being, even if it is a sexual object or possession or toy that I become. I enjoy the thought of being trained by someone to suit their sexual needs.  I love being demanded to have orgasms at his whim, many times a day, and while it of course brings me pleasure, I think more about him getting the pleasure out of controlling when I orgasm, and that is what excites me most. It pleases me to please someone who asks such things of me. Even when it seems degrading or excessive or sadistic, every time I feel like I am giving this kind of sexual service, I feel very satisfied.

The author writes about service and sexual submission and also of obedience as being ways to be submissive. I find myself feeling sexually submissive, and I crave to be obedient in a sexual way too.  I guess it doesn't seem like it, in play, because I am a terrible brat.  And bratting is very fun and probably a part of my personality that lets me not take all of this so seriously.  But I really want Mr. Toy to knock the brat out of me when we play, I think.  I want to see that look in his eye or the sound of his voice that lets me know he is serious and I want to surrender to it. Sometimes, that might be me fighting and testing his dominance, but most of the time, I think it is me fighting myself.  And maybe testing my submissiveness. Maybe I need to keep proving the reason for this D/s dance, maybe I need to brat and act up because I am a little too afraid of facing the things that I really want. But I am feeling more and more submissive towards him, as we continue with our orgasm control exercise on a daily basis. And if I was finally faced with a sexual demand from him (within our limits and with the proper permissions) I do not doubt that I would obediently submit to providing him pleasure. That is the thing I seek right now, over and above my own sexual needs. That is the thing I seek: to please.

I am learning more about what my role might be in the world of kink. He and Alpha Domme are guiding me into finding my answers by myself and I am starting to get into some really interesting places in my mind and in my research. I am starting to feel a little bit more clear about things so I have been recently full of epiphanies and deep thoughts. I am trying to stay calm, because it is very scary and vulnerable and I desire it so much it so much, it makes me a little anxious and crazy sometimes. I have some more reading to do and then I hope to write a bit about some of the research on submissive and slave types that have been inspiring me. Maybe this research will help me to focus on who and what I am and what I am seeking.


  1. Pffffft......finally one who also wants to leave service out of the equation. D/s is for explosive sex, melting two opposites together into one Gestalt, and not doing dishes, laundry, and cleaning the place!

  2. Thank you for your comment! I agree, it is not those things for me. I know it is for others, but that doesn't get me all excited! Thank you for commenting!