Friday, July 20, 2012

Paradox of Greed

I am endlessly fascinated with the paradoxes I feel when thinking about my submissive desires.  In particular, my mind spins about why I find erotic power control so liberating and incredibly hot, when it feels like it should be oppressive. One might think that being under someone else's control for when you can and can't orgasm would feel frustrating and intrusive.  And it does sometimes.  But still, I crave it.  And each day, as I have had to ask for permission, or demanded to stop what I am doing to have an orgasm at his whim, or have been denied pleasure, I eagerly accept that control and revel in it.  I have rarely felt so incredibly aroused, had such incredible orgasms on my own, or had such anticipation for sexual gratification, especially when the sex is at my own hand.

Of course the thinker in me wants to know why, how, WHY.  But I am letting that go.  I have spoken to many thoughtful and wise people lately about such things and the main thing I have gathered is that for whatever reason, I want this type of power exchange.  I crave it, and have for years.  And it is fun and it reflects my personality and I let it embrace me and love to be able to submit to it.  I know that I use it to challenge myself, sometimes in ways that I don't fully understand, and it makes me think about so many things.  But most of all, it pleases me.  It pleases me to please someone else by giving over a part of myself to him. And this thing I have right now looks the most like this nebulous idea of submission that I have been forming for many years, and it feels wonderful that it seemed to happen so spontaneously and organically. And I want to greedily own this, even when it requires the paradox of letting go and sacrificing to someone else in order to have it.

 I am trying to truly enjoy these moments, not to burden myself with all of those endless questions that continually strive to answer.  I am learning the answers reveal themselves in the process, and there will always be more questions.  And the process is one that I wish to accept and enjoy minute by minute.  I want to let go of all my expectations and worries about longevity and abandonment that tend to plague me and just submit to this... This feeling, This thing that I am enjoying, right now in This moment.

 I dunno, maybe I am an attention whore.  Maybe I am a greedy girl who requires a lot of maintenance.  Maybe I am a wanna-be slut that needs external permission to indulge my desires. And maybe none of it fucking matters, because I am having so much sexy fun and it makes me feel incredibly happy and content. I can own all of those things because I want them and I can accept that I want them.

P.S. I looked through my archives and read my post on Greed from close to a year ago, and am so thrilled at how much I have grown and changed since then! Yay, me!

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