Thursday, August 30, 2012

Fear of a Word

Ok, it's time to face the big scary kinky elephant in the room. As I read the Code d' Odalesque, I realized how much it resonated with me. I loved just about everything about it and started to get totally lost in this fantasy of me in the roles that are in the Code.  There were a few hours there where I was blissfully wandering around in my fantasies, seeing all the possibilities. Things started to make sense.  And then reality started to hit me.  And I got very scared.  

First I was scared about getting lost in a fantasy world and not being grounded in reality. And then I talked with Damascus a bit about how reality actually sucks.  And the fantasy lives we lead can be good for us, especially if we stay aware about what we need to do in the real world and can keep the fantasy in perspective while swimming around in exploring it.  And that made me feel better.

And then I got scared again, for another reason.  If I can accept this role that appeals to me, the Odalisque fantasy, what does it mean in my real life and relationships?  Is this what has been studying and learning and searching for all these months and years? Is there anyone else willing to play in my fantasy world with me? And have I actually found those people? I don't know if I was more scared to think that I actually have found them or that such people might never exist. Because if this is a possibility to others, too, that is another step in making the fantasy a sometimes reality, and that can be scary as well.  And also potentially awesome.

And then there is the matter of that word.  That scary word that I couldn't even consider. Slave. When we would talk, she told me she didn't think I was a submissive.  This confused me so much, but she didn't explain more.  I had to figure it out myself.  I thought she questioned my submissive tendencies.  They are so clear to me.  I thought she meant I was simply a bottom, or maybe just a pain slut, or maybe that I wasn't even kinky at all, and that was so confusing to me... but that's not what she meant.  She didn't question my submissiveness, I think she saw that it ran deeper than it would in a D/s relationship. She didn't tell me, probably because she knew I would disagree. And I still might.  But I started reading this Code and all the parts about giving up control, all the structure and the protocol and surrender... it is starting to feel right, in this context.

I have a deep need to surrender and also to provide service, but only in very specific ways.  To me, a "slave" has always meant one that gives up full control, 24/7, of everything.  That is not appealing to me and not a possibility in my life, even if it was.  But what I didn't really realize was that one can be a certain kind of slave.  One can be a sexual slave, which is what the Code d Ode is essentially about.  Pleasure slave, passion slave, cock slave, odalisque. Being in service to someone can be very narrow in scope, without effecting the other parts of a slave's life like career, family, friends, and romantic relationships. This never occurred to me before. And so I never looked past the term submissive.

So what is the difference between a submissive and a slave?  This is a complex question and I think it will be something I will be thinking about and defining for a long time.  But I think for me, I am seeing the difference in the ways in which I wish to exchange power and interact.  As a submissive, I expressed myself in scenes, in completing tasks, in negotiating short periods of time in power exchange. With past Doms, there was a specific start and end to each interaction, a goal that was discussed and reached and the interaction was complete. I enjoyed those interactions, but when they were done, there was often sadness, and yearning for more, for the next task, the next scene.

But something changed when he told me that he was in charge of my orgasms. Part of me laughed a little at him, figuring it would be a short lived game that we would play, and he would lose interest.  But deep inside, I wanted it to be real, I wanted to do that with him, I wanted him to take that control.  I playfully resist and tease and whine brattily about it, but it is real to me, and I dove in fully and take it quite seriously, actually. I don't question it, I give it freely, and it feeds me day to day. When I wake up each morning, I don't question when I might orgasm, or how, or even IF I will. That decision is kept in his hands, and have eagerly accepted that, with very little fighting actually, for almost two months now. I want to show him that I can do it, that I want it, and that this is just the first step in the possibilities of a power exchange. I have come to realize that all might be beyond submissive.  That might be slave-like.

Oh but there is that "slave" word again!  It still rubs me wrong.  I still have ideas about what it means that don't apply to me.  But if I define further and say "pleasure slave"... that makes it easier to swallow. And if we switch languages and use the more romantic Turkish word "odalisque" then that makes it even easier for me to accept.  And on the flip side, the word "Master" gives me similar issues, as I don't seek someone who exemplifies what that role means to me.  But if we use "Slave Keeper" it is a little easier.  And then simply down to just "Keeper"... well that's a word I can actually relate to.  (plus it makes me think about Harry Potter and Quidditch! kinky goalie, anyone?) He does keep my orgasms for me.  hehe.  And I can see him keeping me protected, keeping me exploring and learning, and in return, me being kept to please him. Ugh, and I thought admitting to the terms Dom and sub were hard! But I think I am on the right path, and once I found it, they encouraged me and seem to think I am on the right path too.  I really did have to find it myself.

And I get ready to click publish and share these thoughts, and there is still fear.  Is this fucking crazy?  I would love some feedback here, please call me out on my insanity, if you see it...

1 comment:

  1. Slave, master, mistress, come from the vanilla world. Over there, the word 'slave' leads us to a time when it was considered normal and just to own certain humans for profit and treat them like shit. Vanilla slavery is appalling and should be erased from our planet! How different this is (or should be) in the world of d/s. In that realm a slave is freer than he/she ever could be without being owned. Of cors i'm not referring here to mainstream d/s, which simply is part of the vanilla way of life. Consequently, to distinguish from it, i've baptized my way of living feminine femdom.