Thursday, July 5, 2012


We met early on Independence Day for a tough talk, and the symbolism doesn't escape me.  I was pretty sure this was coming, but I didn't want to face it.  It was time for Hedo and I to move on from the mentorship/dominance/friends-with-benefits/whatever-the-fuck-it-was relationship that we had.  I knew this, as I continued to pour myself into my writings and challenges, continuing to hope to connect, as he became less responsive and more busy.  I don't fault him for that. It is life, and it is what happens.  We had a relationship based around a need I had to learn and grow and for him to provide guidance and to push me to explore.  And I learned, grew, and explored so much in the last six months. I don't think either of us thought I would do it so rapidly and deeply.  It was hard for him to keep up and now that I am so much more confident and complete, he doesn't seem to know how he can help me anymore. It has been an amazing transformation, and I appreciate the role he played in my life during this time.

As I started to become stronger and more secure in my sexuality, this hunger grew in me to learn as much as I could.  This is a pursuit that has taken up a great portion of my life.  My kinky life is not just a weekend  party trick... not a *something to spice things up* sort of experience.  I have needs, in addition to more frivolous desires. The last project Hedo gave me proved that to me that some of the urges I have, especially the submissive and the masochistic ones, are a part of my life and soul... needs that are sometimes painful to not have a release for.  And I need to seek ways to fulfill those needs with trustworthy partners in exciting and creative ways that satisfy my mind and body.  Unfortunately, it is unlikely for me to be exploring them with him anymore, not in the ways that I would ideally want, due to time and energy constraints, among other things.

I find myself feeling a little angry about this.  A little disappointed and rejected, perhaps.  Six months is a decent amount of time and we did some intensive trust building and connecting.  We had amazing scenes in private that were things I have fantasized about for so long.  For me, this was just the start. I am so much less broken and confused than I was when I started this whole kink exploration process, and I have spent considerable time and energy focused on trusting him and sharing my most vulnerable thoughts in an effort to connect. My motivation was to get to this place of strength and trust, so I could really start to explore my submission safely and fully with someone that I trust (which I envisioned to be him).  And that was not in line with his goals, apparently.  He think he wanted to get me to a point where I learned and grew, and those are the things that he seems to need to do.  I thought we wanted to explore some of the more intense, more physical, aspects of kink with me when we were ready, but I was wrong.  And that hurts.

It is really hard to not go to the darker places of the mind when rejected.  Was I too revealing, did I overwhelm him with my writing, even though he asked me to do it?  Did he not like what I had to say?  And then the more shallow, self-doubting thoughts like am I not attractive, not sexy enough?  Am I a weird, artsy freak, who thinks too much and is no fun?  All these things stumble across my mind but I pick myself up and remind myself how good he has made me feel over the time we have known one another.  And I know those things aren't true, but they fucking sneak in like little brain monsters.

And I should have asked more questions about his motivations and we should have talked about this more, but I think part of me just really wanted to hold onto that hope and fantasy, and so I take the blame for my hurt. Sometimes I live a whole fantasy life in my head... this is one of the issues of being a thoughtful, highly creative person.  Sometimes reality and fantasy don't line up.  I don't know if Hedo has the same kinds of fantasies that I do. I couldn't even articulate them at all when I met him, and I am still working on that and doing much better at bringing the images and feelings I crave to life with words. Our fantasies may overlap, but I was probably selfish in expecting him to want the same ones that were in my head when I was finally able to get them out.  I didn't take enough time to really learn what he wanted, I just spent time hoping and wishing the fantasies would align and come to life, but it's clear now that was probably not likely to happen.

I know I need to find the right people who have similar fantasy lives going on on their heads like I do, and i am realizing that some of those people are in my life already, right in front of me. Now that I have skills in finding trust, the strength to voice what I want and don't want, and more confidence to accept these aspects about myself... I can find partners that I can grow and explore and play together who want the same things from me. Hedo helped me with all of those things, and even though I am disappointed in this change we are going through, I appreciate it with all my heart and know I have grown because of him.

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