So I find myself with a bit of a void in my life since the talk with Hedo. And while I am working on getting past the bit of hurt that I feel, there is also this feeling of feeling a little lost. I have been writing him intensive emails detailing my thoughts and experiences for the past two months, and now I am not going to be doing that. It is a bit of a relief, honestly, as it was something that consumed some time and energy, and even though it helped me to clarify my thoughts and it pleased me to do it because he asked, it was becoming less productive for both of us over the last few weeks. Nevertheless, it was something I did nearly everyday, so breaking that habit is something I have to adapt to. I will likely be blogging more again, to process my thoughts here and to fill that void.
The writing was a form of service, something that I did to be obedient, because he asked me to do it and that was the form my submission took. Now that form of submissive release is gone, I am likely to seek it out in other places. And that means I am susceptible to being vulnerable, as I seek release elsewhere. Fortunately, I am keenly aware of this vulnerability, and I feel my shields raising up to avoid being hurt. Also, very fortunately, I have a select few people in my life who have also established some Dominant roles and interests with me. Which excites me, possibility wise, to see how those dynamics might evolving. And it gives me specific areas where I am safe to explore these submissive feelings, especially now that I have this new void.
One of the ways I know I have been growing beyond Hedo's mentorship is that I have been creating my own challenges and seeking answers on my own in ways that I know I might find them. I didn't always have those skills. But one challenge is that I have been on the mission for the last few weeks to have more conversations with submissive and masochistic women. I don't have many of this type of woman in my close friend circles, so I have been making efforts to connect and sit down and talk (or write) with ladies with kinky interests like mine. I think there are things that other submissive women can help me understand that the men in my life, or my more vanilla or differently kinky female friends can't really grok on the same level.
So I had a very deep and long conversation with a gal I will call Strawberry. She is very submissive, very masochistic, and very involved in the lifestyle. She has D/s relationship with someone in the kinky public eye and she appears to be well known, often seen, and has had many very intense kinky experiences (from what I can tell from perving her many gorgeous pictures on Fet) I wanted to ask her about her unique perspectives about her own submission, and she was kind enough to take time to talk with me.
She had many great insights for me, but the one thing that really struck me were her experiences early in her kinky life. Back then, she felt her submissive feelings and desperately wanted to express them. I can relate to that. But her approach was to treat her submission like a "wet noodle", throwing it around and seeing where it stuck. She experimented and played with many people, and sometimes it was fun, but many times it was not only not fun, but degrading, unpleasant, awkward, or unsatisfying. That approach, she agreed, is also very dangerous. She is much more careful with playing now, as she has a variety of people she trusts, but she also has the skills and insight to build trust and negotiate more effectively.
Her thoughts on the "wet noodle" phenomenon really hit home. I have been exceedingly careful in who I play with and who I express these feelings to. And I feel the temptation to let my guard down sometimes, when I see someone who is strong in his Dominance or has that seductive sadism showing to me. And I deeply crave having the experiences I fantasize about, but this is one of the times where I appreciate my penchant for overthinking and being very cautious. While I want to have experiences, and a variety of experiences, I don't want the heartbreak and possible danger that come with being a subby noodle. And while I have potential to get my heart broken anyway with anyone I play with, being aware of the risks and making sure I know what and who I consent (and submit) to is critically important to me, especially now.