I am striving to enjoy the beauty of each moment in this full life I lead.
I long to revel in the excitement of meeting someone new, spending time talking, flirting, and smiling while learning all about someone and letting them into my life to learn about me.
I desire to be happy and hopeful, full of possibility and exploration, at the thought of a potential new friend or lover. And I desire to express my hopes fully and risk breaking my heart to do so. I am ready to put my heart out to the world, prepared for it to be swept away some times and crushed other times.
I will no longer be numb, or feel trapped, or hide in the darkness because of fear.
I want to have all these things and come home to my sweet guy who I love and to be able to tell him all about it, sharing with an unrestricted heart. I want him to be happy for me and be accepting and loving and I want to be able to be here for him in the same way someday, if he has the same experience.
These are my dreams for a life that I think is possible, someday. Maybe someday soon...
I want to have these things without the monsters of guilt and insecurity biting at me. These monsters are my own creation, growling inside of me, snapping at me when I seem to have a quiet moment of peaceful happiness. They are monsters I have created in response to a long unhappy marriage. They are a reaction to societal pressures and norms that I want to fight against, things I always end up slipping into thinking I should be as a woman or partner or wife. These monsters are brutal, and they hold me back, and I need to start to learn to tame them.