Paradox of Greed

I am endlessly fascinated with the paradoxes I feel when thinking about my submissive desires.  In particular, my mind spins about why I find erotic power control so liberating and incredibly hot, when it feels like it should be oppressive. One might think that being under someone else's control for when you can and can't orgasm would feel frustrating and intrusive.  And it does sometimes.  But still, I crave it.  And each day, as I have had to ask for permission, or demanded to stop what I am doing to have an orgasm at his whim, or have been denied pleasure, I eagerly accept that control and revel in it.  I have rarely felt so incredibly aroused, had such incredible orgasms on my own, or had such anticipation for sexual gratification, especially when the sex is at my own hand.

Of course the thinker in me wants to know why, how, WHY.  But I am letting that go.  I have spoken to many thoughtful and wise people lately about such things and the main thing I have gathered is that for whatever reason, I want this type of power exchange.  I crave it, and have for years.  And it is fun and it reflects my personality and I let it embrace me and love to be able to submit to it.  I know that I use it to challenge myself, sometimes in ways that I don't fully understand, and it makes me think about so many things.  But most of all, it pleases me.  It pleases me to please someone else by giving over a part of myself to him. And this thing I have right now looks the most like this nebulous idea of submission that I have been forming for many years, and it feels wonderful that it seemed to happen so spontaneously and organically. And I want to greedily own this, even when it requires the paradox of letting go and sacrificing to someone else in order to have it.

 I am trying to truly enjoy these moments, not to burden myself with all of those endless questions that continually strive to answer.  I am learning the answers reveal themselves in the process, and there will always be more questions.  And the process is one that I wish to accept and enjoy minute by minute.  I want to let go of all my expectations and worries about longevity and abandonment that tend to plague me and just submit to this... This feeling, This thing that I am enjoying, right now in This moment.

 I dunno, maybe I am an attention whore.  Maybe I am a greedy girl who requires a lot of maintenance.  Maybe I am a wanna-be slut that needs external permission to indulge my desires. And maybe none of it fucking matters, because I am having so much sexy fun and it makes me feel incredibly happy and content. I can own all of those things because I want them and I can accept that I want them.


P.S. I looked through my archives and read my post on Greed from close to a year ago, and am so thrilled at how much I have grown and changed since then! Yay, me!

Orgasm Control

 It's a little blurry how this started. I know I was feeling a bit blue and sort of lost that day. While we were texting, I told him these things, because he asked, and he cheered me up. He told me I should go and make myself feel better by giving myself an orgasm. That was a new twist to our afternoon texts! It caught me a little by surprise. And while I have been very cautious not to be a wet noodle and have been feeling guarded about my subby feelings... there was a very sexy man thinking sexy thoughts about me and wanting me to make myself feel good... and that sounded like a great idea to me. He wasn't some random guy getting my noodles all wet... it was Mr. Toy... and I have already been dabbling in these subby feelings for him. There is something very undeniably erotically exciting about being commanded to masturbate, even though, at this point, it was more of a suggestion. So I guess that is where it started.

And so I took myself to bed and stripped down and settled in with my vibrator.  He gave me a fantasy to think about and I orgasmed right away. He praised me and I got up and dressed and went back to work. A few minutes later, he suggested I try for another. Really? Hell, why not? I thought.  I had a really hard day the day before and some self love helped a few minutes ago, so why not try again? And did I mention how hot it is for someone to command that I masturbate?  This time still wasn't a command, but clearly, after I just had one, it was a little more than a suggestion.  It was a push, perhaps a little show of power, maybe something to fuck with my mind and body a bit, from the safety of a text message.  Whatever it was, I went back to bed, pulled my pants down, and went another round.  And it was good!

Over the next few days, the texts became less like suggestions and more clear that he was taking charge of my orgasms (at least the ones I was having on my own... not the ones that involve my relationship with Damascus).  And I was letting him. We didn't sit down and have a long conversation about it, about his intentions and plans.  We didn't negotiate this.  It just started to happen, and it's so organic and thrilling and I think it's something I felt I have wanted to try for a long time but didn't quite know how to ask.  And it feels more fitting that it simply be required of me, in the right place, at the right time, instead of me having to actually ask for it.

One day he pondered whether he should "let" me cum that morning.  Which almost made me orgasm from the thought.  Luckily, he did let me.  And each day he has had something new to add. He has given me fantasies to think about while I play with myself.  He has required that I tell him a fantasy before he lets me cum.  One day after a few very sexy messages back and forth, I was so turned on, I felt like I might be able to squirt, and told him so, and he told me I should try. And I tried my new Hitachi attachment and holy shit, I did it!  By myself!  He wanted photo evidence of the mess I made, which I obediently provided.  He told me to taste it, which I also did, diligently. Today he insisted that I needed to squirt again, and I was worried I might not be able to do it on command.  But I did (and in a very big way), and perhaps it was the command that made it happen. One day he let me orgasm twice in the morning, but denied me anymore for the rest of the day until we planned to see each other at a play party that night.  Alas, our plans were foiled by sinus problems, but he gave me permission to orgasm as many times as I could that night, which made me look forward to my evening even though it was not going to be spent with him.

And so now we are talking alternately about chastity devices and being denied orgasms and training me to have orgasms on command (and in public) and I am really cautiously excited about what might become of these conversations and flirtations. While also being a little guarded because I am still feeling a bit sore and abandoned because of the changes with Hedo, who I had hoped to play with in this way. But I want these things so much, and I want someone who wants to do them with me, someone who will explore with me. And so I am enjoying these moments, trying not to worry or do all of the overthinking that I am prone to do, and yet still being careful not to let myself get hurt.

Wet Noodle of Submission

So I find myself with a bit of a void in my life since the talk with Hedo.  And while I am working on getting past the bit of hurt that I feel, there is also this feeling of feeling a little lost. I have been writing him intensive emails detailing my thoughts and experiences for the past two months, and now I am not going to be doing that.  It is a bit of a relief, honestly, as it was something that consumed some time and energy, and even though it helped me to clarify my thoughts and it pleased me to do it because he asked, it was becoming less productive for both of us over the last few weeks.  Nevertheless, it was something I did nearly everyday, so breaking that habit is something I have to adapt to.  I will likely be blogging more again, to process my thoughts here and to fill that void. 

The writing was a form of service, something that I did to be obedient, because he asked me to do it and that was the form my submission took. Now that form of submissive release is gone, I am likely to seek it out in other places.  And that means I am susceptible to being vulnerable, as I seek release elsewhere.  Fortunately, I am keenly aware of this vulnerability, and I feel my shields raising up to avoid being hurt.  Also, very fortunately, I have a select few people in my life who have also established some Dominant roles and interests with me.  Which excites me, possibility wise, to see how those dynamics might evolving.  And it gives me specific areas where I am safe to explore these submissive feelings, especially now that I have this new void.

One of the ways I know I have been growing beyond Hedo's mentorship is that I have been creating my own challenges and seeking answers on my own in ways that I know I might find them.  I didn't always have those skills. But one challenge is that I have been on the mission for the last few weeks to have more conversations with submissive and masochistic women.  I don't have many of this type of woman in my close friend circles, so I have been making efforts to connect and sit down and talk (or write) with ladies with kinky interests like mine. I think there are things that other submissive women can help me understand that the men in my life, or my more vanilla or differently kinky female friends can't really grok on the same level.

So I had a very deep and long conversation with a gal I will call Strawberry.  She is very submissive, very masochistic, and very involved in the lifestyle.  She has D/s relationship with someone in the kinky public eye and she appears to be well known, often seen, and has had many very intense kinky experiences (from what I can tell from perving her many gorgeous pictures on Fet) I wanted to ask her about her unique perspectives about her own submission, and she was kind enough to take time to talk with me.

She had many great insights for me, but the one thing that really struck me were her experiences early in her kinky life.  Back then, she felt her submissive feelings and desperately wanted to express them.  I can relate to that.  But her approach was to treat her submission like a "wet noodle", throwing it around and seeing where it stuck.  She experimented and played with many people, and sometimes it was fun, but many times it was not only not fun, but degrading, unpleasant, awkward, or unsatisfying.  That approach, she agreed, is also very dangerous. She is much more careful with playing now, as she has a variety of people she trusts, but she also has the skills and insight to build trust and negotiate more effectively.

Her thoughts on the "wet noodle" phenomenon really hit home.  I have been exceedingly careful in who I play with and who I express these feelings to.  And I feel the temptation to let my guard down sometimes, when I see someone who is strong in his Dominance or has that seductive sadism showing to me.  And I deeply crave having the experiences I fantasize about, but this is one of the times where I appreciate my penchant for overthinking and being very cautious.  While I want to have experiences, and a variety of experiences, I don't want the heartbreak and possible danger that come with being a subby noodle.  And while I have potential to get my heart broken anyway with anyone I play with, being aware of the risks and making sure I know what and who I consent (and submit) to is critically important to me, especially now.

Independence

We met early on Independence Day for a tough talk, and the symbolism doesn't escape me.  I was pretty sure this was coming, but I didn't want to face it.  It was time for Hedo and I to move on from the mentorship/dominance/friends-with-benefits/whatever-the-fuck-it-was relationship that we had.  I knew this, as I continued to pour myself into my writings and challenges, continuing to hope to connect, as he became less responsive and more busy.  I don't fault him for that. It is life, and it is what happens.  We had a relationship based around a need I had to learn and grow and for him to provide guidance and to push me to explore.  And I learned, grew, and explored so much in the last six months. I don't think either of us thought I would do it so rapidly and deeply.  It was hard for him to keep up and now that I am so much more confident and complete, he doesn't seem to know how he can help me anymore. It has been an amazing transformation, and I appreciate the role he played in my life during this time.

As I started to become stronger and more secure in my sexuality, this hunger grew in me to learn as much as I could.  This is a pursuit that has taken up a great portion of my life.  My kinky life is not just a weekend  party trick... not a *something to spice things up* sort of experience.  I have needs, in addition to more frivolous desires. The last project Hedo gave me proved that to me that some of the urges I have, especially the submissive and the masochistic ones, are a part of my life and soul... needs that are sometimes painful to not have a release for.  And I need to seek ways to fulfill those needs with trustworthy partners in exciting and creative ways that satisfy my mind and body.  Unfortunately, it is unlikely for me to be exploring them with him anymore, not in the ways that I would ideally want, due to time and energy constraints, among other things.

I find myself feeling a little angry about this.  A little disappointed and rejected, perhaps.  Six months is a decent amount of time and we did some intensive trust building and connecting.  We had amazing scenes in private that were things I have fantasized about for so long.  For me, this was just the start. I am so much less broken and confused than I was when I started this whole kink exploration process, and I have spent considerable time and energy focused on trusting him and sharing my most vulnerable thoughts in an effort to connect. My motivation was to get to this place of strength and trust, so I could really start to explore my submission safely and fully with someone that I trust (which I envisioned to be him).  And that was not in line with his goals, apparently.  He think he wanted to get me to a point where I learned and grew, and those are the things that he seems to need to do.  I thought we wanted to explore some of the more intense, more physical, aspects of kink with me when we were ready, but I was wrong.  And that hurts.

It is really hard to not go to the darker places of the mind when rejected.  Was I too revealing, did I overwhelm him with my writing, even though he asked me to do it?  Did he not like what I had to say?  And then the more shallow, self-doubting thoughts like am I not attractive, not sexy enough?  Am I a weird, artsy freak, who thinks too much and is no fun?  All these things stumble across my mind but I pick myself up and remind myself how good he has made me feel over the time we have known one another.  And I know those things aren't true, but they fucking sneak in like little brain monsters.

And I should have asked more questions about his motivations and we should have talked about this more, but I think part of me just really wanted to hold onto that hope and fantasy, and so I take the blame for my hurt. Sometimes I live a whole fantasy life in my head... this is one of the issues of being a thoughtful, highly creative person.  Sometimes reality and fantasy don't line up.  I don't know if Hedo has the same kinds of fantasies that I do. I couldn't even articulate them at all when I met him, and I am still working on that and doing much better at bringing the images and feelings I crave to life with words. Our fantasies may overlap, but I was probably selfish in expecting him to want the same ones that were in my head when I was finally able to get them out.  I didn't take enough time to really learn what he wanted, I just spent time hoping and wishing the fantasies would align and come to life, but it's clear now that was probably not likely to happen.

I know I need to find the right people who have similar fantasy lives going on on their heads like I do, and i am realizing that some of those people are in my life already, right in front of me. Now that I have skills in finding trust, the strength to voice what I want and don't want, and more confidence to accept these aspects about myself... I can find partners that I can grow and explore and play together who want the same things from me. Hedo helped me with all of those things, and even though I am disappointed in this change we are going through, I appreciate it with all my heart and know I have grown because of him.