Dangling Carrots

Last weekend was quite awesome! It involved Hedo and dangling carrots, both figurative and literal.  Figuratively, he amped up my anticipation of spending time alone with him on Saturday night by sending me a suggestive picture of himself on Friday morning.  Now, while unsolicited pictures of naked men might not usually do much for me, this one was perfectly timed and very welcomed.  Well, sort of welcomed... it disrupted my productivity for the rest of the day pretty severely, as I needed to take multiple trips back to my bunk to fantasize and get myself off, but then again, it was a stressful day and I guess the distraction eased the work load.  Nicely done, Sir.

So the metaphor of the dangling carrot was foremost in my mind as he gave me a new task.  I was to purchase one item of fresh produce from the store, only that item, and keep it at my market booth with me all day long, in sight, until the end of the market when it was time for our date. Of course I chose a carrot as my produce, and I kept it in my booth with me all day until they came to pick me up. By the way, this was a double date with Hedo and his wife and her date/friend.  I felt quite honored to be asked on such a date, as it made me feel that what we are doing is accepted by his wife, which is important to me.  Furthermore, I learned that she enjoys helping him with some of the tasks and challenges he comes up with for me, which makes me even happier.  It's good to know that they are both a couple of fun, slightly sadistic freaks.

Bored in my booth, reflecting on the carrot metaphor, looking at my carrot, wondering what would become of it later that evening... I decided to grab some string and tie a little bondage corset to it to make it actually dangle in my booth.  I tried to hide this ropework activity from customers and fellow vendors, but there is was, a bondage carrot, hanging there below my table.  I sent a picture to Hedo, proud of my work, and he seemed amused.  I think that ruined the task though, which was apparently a silly thing involving his wife eating a decoy carrot and me being surprised and carrotless for Hedo, maybe resulting in punishment or something. Those details were a little lost as they were recounted to me in the evening air filled with laughter and alcohol.  I did have to keep the bondage carrot on the table in front of me as I ate, so the embarrassment potential was not lost at least.

Dinner and conversation were great, and much fun was had by all.  By the end of the evening, I was so worked up and wanting of the first figuratively dangling carrot, I was eager to get back home.  The contact I have been waiting for was driving me crazy by this point, and our night alone did not disappoint.  I hate to be a tease, but while part of me wants to recount and record every delicious detail of that night, I find that it is much too intimate to do so.  The memory is something I am treasuring and wanting to keep greedily to myself for now.  It was intense, orgasmic, dirty, sweet, rough, caring, and so much fucking fun all rolled up together. He made me feel like a naughty, slutty, princess rockstar that night and I was intensely euphoric for the whole next day.  I also got to experience more intensely our Dom/sub dynamic and am coming to understand more fully the complexity of my desire to submit to him, in the fun and unique way that we play.

But alas, three intense days of build up and floating from such an intense experience are bound to lead to a bit of a crash.  By Monday afternoon, I felt a drop.  Sub-drop, perhaps.  It was a little bit of a depressed feeling, even though I was still incredibly happy, so that was weird.  I got a little weepy thinking about how happy I had been, how much I loved the experience, and maybe the tearfulness came in with irrational fear that I might never feel that way again, that I might never feel like a slutty princess again...I was just a regular girl again. Mostly I had to take breaks to lounge on the couch or bed, sighing happily and daydreaming.  It is a strange experience. I think it finally passed last night when I had the pleasure of being able to tell some of the juicy details to Juesance, who has the special place in my life as my confidant-lover, always eager to hear all the juicy details that I want to share, full of voyeuristic compersion.  And I had the loving arms of all my sexy friends at kinky class last night, which was particularly full of love and affection in the hours after class at the hotel bar. The people in my life are so fucking amazing, I am such a lucky girl.  A lucky, happy, slutty, naughty princess of a girl. With a bondage carrot.

The Reward (...or how I whored myself out for Cherry Chapstick)

So last Wednesday, before the weekend's play party, I had dinner with Hedo.  I had been taunting him all week by telling him I had a recurring fantasy involving him but I didn't want to write it out, I wanted to TELL him face to face.  See what a good little subby girl I can be?... setting him up so easily for an evening of making me blush and squirm as I try to tell him the fantasy in a crowded restaurant or public place.  It ended up making me so giddy and nervous, I totally lost my phone on the steps of city hall and that started another adventure.  The phone adventure didn't include blowjobs, so I will continue telling the story of the adventure that did...

So basically, my fantasy involved giving him oral sex.  Heh. There are details and extra exciting things about it that I also recounted to him and we both seemed to enjoy the fantasy. It took me a LONG time to recount this fantasy, by the way, it seemed like delicious hours, as we talked about all different apects of this BJ, and got off topic, and I played shy, and he played sadistic as people passed by. After finally telling him, we moved on to another subject, or so I thought... 

He wanted to come up with a challenge for me for my play party.  As if having a play party and possibly being naked or near naked in front of all of my friends wasn't a challenge enough!  But I did like the idea of a challenge, and I wondered what twisted thing he might come up with.  His first suggestion was for me to live out the oral sex fantasy with him, at the party, with him, in the bathroom!  eek!  Oh that made me terribly anxious and I was full of objections.  I have not done that with him before, and the thought of a quickie in the bathroom of a party with him made me a little displeased.  Because I wanted to have time and privacy to do that with him for the first time.  But he was pretty firm on this BJ in the bathroom idea, and he seemed to delight in watching me blush and squirm my way out of it.  Finally he told me he wanted me to do it, but it should be Damascus on the receiving end.  This still made me anxious... its a party full of my friends where I am the hostess!  What kind of slutty girl blows her boyfriend in the bathroom of her party?  Apparently me.  Heh.  Because I did, and it was pretty fucking hot!  I don't think Damascus minded much.  I gave him a heads up (hah!) and he was surprisingly fine with it.  He came rather quickly, too, so I will assume he was humoring me.  Or that I used my very best oral skills in that bathroom, as we heard our friends wander about the kitchen outside the bathroom door.  Or maybe it was just incredibly hot and pushed on our exhibitionist buttons.  Not that anybody knew.  Until I told them all.  And the ones I didn't tell will read it here. 

Anyway, back to that first night of scheming, when he finalized my party challenge, he jokingly promised me a tube of Chapstick after I completed my task.  Because, you know... dry lips that worked hard should be rewarded!  I made sure to remind him that he that he had better follow through on that Chapstick promise, and he let me know he was serious early in the party by showing me where the tube was in his front pocket.  Cherry, just like he promised.  The challenge was on then, I knew that I had to do it.  Moreover, I WANTED to do it.

At the end of the night, my lips moisturized with a fake cherry flavor, Hedo reminded me that this reward I wanted so badly was a huge value at 99 cents.  He joked that a BJ was on my value menu, seeing how happily I performed one for a tube of cheap lip balm.  I filled out my cherry card for the House (you get a cherry card when you do something you have never done before) and I wrote that I whored myself out for Cherry Chapstick. And while I was embarrassed at the thought of everyone knowing, I was pretty proud of earning that card.  It was like a second reward. (well, a third reward if you count the BJ itself, which I do!)

I am not even a huge fan of Cherry Chapstick, lol, but I wanted it!  I wanted to suck my boyfriend off at a party and I was pleased to get the "permission" to do that from my Dom and to please two men at the same time, in different ways.  And I was pleased to be rewarded with that lip balm. But I was even more pleased to have pleased him by completing a new task in another fun game between us.

Reciprocation

I have been thinking about reciprocity in relationships of all kinds:  friendships, romantic relationships, and kinky relationships.  I have been trying to be more aware of these interactions in my life lately, really looking at each relationship I have with a person and spending some time analyzing what it is that we get from one another.

A couple of weeks ago, Hedo had a task for me that involved creating Venn Diagrams for my closest partners, separating each person into circles of Love, Lust, and Kink.  He also had me rank each person based on time spent compared to my interest in that person.  This was a very challenging task.  Some people were easy to place.  Damascus, being my primary love interest, of course was in the center of all three Venn circles and was strong and steady on my list of interest and time spent. It became an exercise in discovering which relationships had a clear balance of give and take, and which ones were unbalanced.

I had one partner that was much more difficult to place and gauge my interest in, as there has been conflict between us often lately.  This task made me think about the balance of how much time I was spending trying to communicate with him, having conflict, being unhappy, having to talk about my difficult feelings about him to others, and working on resolving issues with him. When I measured all of this time spent dealing with difficulties against the time I spend with him being happy and blissful, I noticed a disconnect. We have since talked about this and are trying to work with each other to fix this disconnect, which may involve meeting each other halfway on some of the issues we have, or perhaps eventually deciding that we are not compatible and changing our relationship. I at least feel better about acknowledging that there are issues that need to change, and right now I am feeling optimistic that we will be able to work things out.

One of the things that has been hardest about my relationship with this partner is feeling like I have been chasing him without being responded to in a similar way.  It may have been that his method of response is different than what I expect or desire, but that makes me feel as if the amount or intensity of his emotion was not on the same level as mine to him.  I spent many years of my failed marriage feeling like I was chasing my ex down, wanting to spend time with him, but he did not reciprocate.  Yet he still wanted me to want him. I am so scared to make this same mistake with new partners, and I find that I sometimes I shut down when it comes to reaching out to them, especially if I am feeling that the balance of attention is off and I am not getting reciprocal love and attention in return to what I am giving.  I get stubborn and refuse to play the game of chase and give up.  Except nobody knows I am even playing this game but me. Which is kind of what I did in my marriage, too.

After a while, I had foolishly accepted my marriage would be filled with loneliness and I stopped trying, to the point where I was just numb and alone, yet still married. I had accepted that I would be living this way until some friends with some tough love saw my misery and suggested that what I was accepting was not fair or right and that I could actually be happy.  That tough love started me on the path I have been on for the past few years, my post-divorce years.  Those friends stood by my side through the most difficult times of my life, listened to me talk and read what I wrote, even the most confusing and painful stuff, and selflessly helped me through it all.  And then they stood by me as I started dating again and fell in love and started to find a new happiness that I didn't think was possible.

I think about those relationships with my friends, how much they helped me and how much they gave me.  Listening ears, lots and lots of hugs and snuggles, laughter, encouragement to be social and find love again, a place to sleep when I was lonely. For a long time, I felt indebted to these friends, feeling like I could never reciprocate the love and support they gave me.  I no longer feel that sense of debt, as I have been by the sides of many of them to listen and support, as I have grown stronger and more self confident as I have healed from the divorce.  I feel like I do and have given back and feel appreciated for that.  I think one aspect of why having a play party was so important to me was that I have developed, in my kinky life, something that I can share with others that they haven't experienced in a long time (or ever) and I have some of the confidence to create an event (and plan another) to share this aspect of myself with them.  It is a little way of giving back, and it fills me with happiness to see these friends start to explore the things that have been so much of a struggle for me to explore.  And if I have some kind of hand in that, I am very pleased.

And, back to the start of this exercise, I think about the reciprocity in the relationship I have with Hedo. There is a give and take that I don't always understand.  Sometimes he is like a mentor or a counselor, but then again, it's not as simple as that. I feel like I ask a lot from him by asking him to give me tasks, but I enjoy challenging myself as I do them.  The best parts are reporting back to him by either blogging, writing, or talking about my experiences. I clearly benefit from the tasks, but I wonder what it does for him, even though he has told me that he very much enjoys giving them to me.  I mean, I can see the appeal of some of them... making pretty girls blush and squirm and get excitedly anxious at the thought of being demanded to push their sexual limits and watching them DO it to please you is pretty sexy and powerful.  But what about these more cerebral, psychological exercises?  What is the benefit there?  Maybe when I accomplish the tasks and learn or explore something new I am giving back to him a sense of his own accomplishment, as the task maker.  Maybe it is an exchange of power or control, a pushing of boundaries of the mind or heart, intended with a positive outcome of learning or discovery.  The D/s dynamic is much easier to understand in the physical and sexual realms, but this psychological part is much more heady and complex, which is part of the whole appeal to me.

I hope one day I will be able to just accept this give and take and not spend so much time analyzing it.  But I think I need to do this to be aware, because I have such a hard time understanding relationships still.  It would be nice to be able to feel and accept reciprocity like breath, giving and receiving, breathing in and out, to and from, without burdening myself with so many questions and insecurities.

Thoughts on Collars

In BDSM, wearing a collar can mean many things.  Often, it implies ownership or control of one person to another, for a lifetime commitment, socially, or just in the bedroom or a scene.  It is a complex symbol with a lot of social history and it also carries personal meaning to each individual. I have been thinking about collars and what they mean to me a lot lately.

I started thinking about this recently because I am planning on going to a kinky class tomorrow with Wolfe on spanking.  While I love being spanked and am excited to learn and play more with him in the company of my friends in the kinky group, the instructor of the class is someone who makes me a little uncomfortable.  He has never done anything specific to make me feel this way, I just get that creepy feeling from him, and I have been hesitant to be in a vulnerable position in his presence.  Well, actually, he was camped out next to me at the spanking bench while I played with Hedo at one of the recent parties, so he has seen me vulnerable already.  It may have something to do with that interaction that leaves me skeeved out.  Perhaps it will fade as I get to know him and hear him speak in class, but I have been so hesitant that I have almost not wanted to go for that sole reason.  I bring all of this up because it brings me to another role of the collar in the BDSM world which is the symbol of protection.  I already asked Wolfe to play the role of the protective Dom for me in class if I was feeling vulnerable, even though we are still finding out how we relate with our D/s dynamics, which has been strictly in the bedroom so far.  

Something I learned from Modu when we were first starting to play with BDSM concepts was that he would often have his wife or girlfriend wear a collar at public events, especially if they didn't want too much attention that night.  It implied an unspoken ownership or protection that helped keep the creepers away, even if he did not have that sort of ownership relationship with them, it was a symbol to others. It was something I had planned to wear the first time I went to such an event with him, because I figured I would be scared and would want that additional idea of protection, but alas, we never got around to attending a public party together. (BTW, it is kind of fucking awesome that while for years I dreamed about going to a play party with him, the first time we actually played at a play party was at my OWN!  I really like that idea for some reason) 

I did wear a collar for Modu during a few early private scenes we did together and it has made me think a lot about what that meant to me.  Those first scenes were sort of scary, as I felt new sensations and experienced a loss of control to him.  I trusted him very much, but in those moments of pain mingling with pleasure and fear and lust, it was easy to get lost in my head.  Feeling his collar around my neck snapped me back to reality a few times, when I started to feel too scared or too much pain.  I remember thinking, is this real? How did I get here? What the fuck am I doing?  What is HE doing?  and feeling the collar and remembering that I chose this and I could stop it at any point with a single word.  It also reminded me that this was just a game, a role, and I remembered this was the same man that I trust who put the collar on me, and it was that little reminder that made me able to continue.  It was like a touchstone to reality, a safety net that reminded me I was safe and loved.  I also liked to think of him seeing the collar and having it be a touchstone for him as well... a reminder to him that I am under his care and a symbol of my trust in him not to harm me or push me beyond our negotiated agreements.

As I start to explore new Dom/sub dynamics in my new relationships, I think about the role of the collar again.  Clearly, I would consider wearing one for a feeling or protection, in a public setting, like a bigger public play party or the class that makes me nervous, as it gives me a sense of comfort. And as I am starting to talk about planning more intense experiences with Hedo, I think about the second function that I mentioned of the collar as touchstone.  I can see myself wanting to wear a collar for more intense scenes as we start to play privately and venture into areas that excite me like fear play and poking around at the boundaries of consensual non-consent and roleplay involving being overpowered and controlled.

But these positive experiences and thoughts about collars stand in some opposition to the more common ideas of collars symbolizing ownership to me, and that gives me pause for thought.  The idea of transfer of ownership is one that does not interest me.  While I could possibly stretch the idea and accept morphing it into one of  turning over some ownership of some minor aspects of myself for a scene, I still don't like that terminology and concept.  I have written a little bit about not being a traditionally subby sub and this is one area where this really shows.  This is beyond playing a brat and having fun with power exchange, this is about a fundamental refusal to even consider letting someone feel like they own me, even for a moment.  I dealt with that in my marriage and I refuse to feel that way again.  But yet, there is an aspect of roleplay where this could be cathartic, but it is rather triggery and difficult, which brings me back to wanting to wear the collar in the second manner as a touchstone.

And so I am both attracted and repelled by this idea of wearing a collar and what that means (or what it is perceived to mean to others).  I see the benefits of a collar in play and in social settings, but it needs to be clear to me exactly what a collar might mean to me and to my partners. It represents seemingly opposed  ideas that cycle around in my head... wanting to not feel owned by a collar and yet wearing a collar so as to be reminded to not be triggered into feeling owned.  Hah!  It's so confusing!

And here is where I start to get very unconventional... What if the collar I wore was my own?  In my twisted way of reclaiming my own power through playing with exchanging power with others in a Dom/sub dynamic, who is really the one in charge?  Perhaps I am my own Dom and I turn over aspects of myself to another in a role of submissive in order to regain my control by losing control. Does that even make sense?  I have heard it said to not trust a sub who buys her own collar.  Well, why the fuck not?  To me that could be a show of true trust and devotion to oneself... consciously choosing to own and this loaded symbol and give it to another in order to be able to lose control and find oneself. Hell, I would go one step further and craft my own collar, taking the time and energy and part of myself to actually create this object so full of meaning, making it clearly and unquestionably an object of the strength, courage, and trust that I am willing to put forth to allow another to Dominate me.

I am not sure any of this even makes sense.  It feels so backwards and inside out. Maybe my ideal collar should be backwards and inside out to reflect these complexities of my submissive personality. I am very curious if others think this way about their roles, or do I just overthink everything?  I suspect the latter is true, but at this point, I am making no apologies for it.  The main thing I have learned in the BDSM world is that you can make it whatever you want and need it to be.  And I need to go on these convoluted journeys of sexuality and the psyche and I appreciate those who walk alongside me and challenge me as I explore.

Success

Ah, another play party, another shredded pair of fishnets.  This pic taken by a pretty girl and texted to me the next day, which was a nice reminder of a very good night.  Thank goodness for $8 Target fishnets.  They provide priceless amounts of interactive sexy fun for me and eye candy and a hot tactile experience for others!  The sound and feel of fishnet ripping is quite sexy, I think.

Well, I am pretty sure I can call my party a success! I took a day to recover (drove to the country an hour or so away and communed with some hippies and learned about sacred sexuality and sex energy) and today I spent debriefing with many of my party guests.  I spent some time with the ones who were newer to public play who I was most concerned about, and everyone told me their thoughts and stories about the party.  I think everyone there tried something new and left with a more open mind.  There were some unexpected pairings (gotta love the open opportunities that polyamory presents!) and it was really nice to see lots of people loving and playing with one another and exploring and experimenting together.  Several people thanked me for inviting them, telling me that this whole process added something new to their lives that they have been wanting but have been holding back in some way.  That was the best result I could have expected for this event, so I am so very pleased, and overwhelmed with happiness and compersion for my friends and lovers.

On a personal level, my intention was to first be a good hostess and make sure everyone was as comfortable and happy as possible before I spent any time with personal play.  For this reason, the time consuming and restraining activity of ropeplay that Damascus and I usually engage in at play parties was skipped.  We would have pulled out the rope if anyone had asked about it and wanted to try it, but it did not seem to be needed.  This turned out to be a really good decision, because he found other toys and people to play with, which made me extremely happy!  I love watching him explore his own kinky style and interests, with myself and with others. I got to be demo bottom bunny for several friends and for the owner of the House.  I was flogged, whipped, set on fire, among other things,  in light demonstration scenes. 

I could distinctly see the difference between this sort of bottoming for fun and demo and the sort of play that I really crave, with a trusted partner in a Dom/sub dynamic.  Modu was there and while I didn't spend much time playing with him at all, the precious moments of mini scenes we did spend together were very intense, subspace inducing, and amazing.  I love that we can have an incredibly intense interaction with so little activity.  He is able to stare into me, make a few strong and firm motions, and put me into my happy sexy subby headspace.  Those few quick little bursts were like shots of caffeine to get me buzzing through the whole party.  Much later in the night, when I felt that all my guests were happily engaged, playing, or at least content, I had a knife/sword/axe scene with Hedo.  It was also intense and delightfully fear inducing and had some of the D/s qualities that we have been playing with, mixed in with goofiness, laughter, and fun.  It made me incredibly happy and I loved every delicious second of it.  While the sharp object play with Hedo was the most scene-like thing I did on a physical level, he and I had many interactions and conversations throughout the night that explored some of our more psychological dynamic. I would like to blog about that, too, but I think the Cherry Chapstick challenge deserves its own post... sometime soon...

Diving In

When I get really into something, I tend to dive in deep. I know this and try to be careful not to obsess or get too deeply tied up into something that is not worth my time, or something that may end up hurting me in the end.  I don't always succeed.  And sometimes, I get involved in something, and it's right, but maybe my timing is off.  That is a little bit of how I feel about an event I planned for tonight.  See, after attending THREE whole play parties (and countless other kinky discussions, classes, and events too)  I have decided to throw my own play party.  And I wanted to invite friends who had never been to one before.  And some friends who are new to kink, even newer than me.  I got this idea from Hedo, who had a really great experience doing the same thing for his kink-curious friends.  But I underestimated that perhaps he is more experienced, social, and confident than me and of course his party was a success because of these things.  I am less experienced, social, and confident but dammit, I am enthusiastic, and that has got to count for something, right?   It may have been premature and I may have not been completely ready for what this event ended up involving.

The road to this party has been interesting.  There has been disagreement, confusion, and anxiety between some of my friends.  Sometimes between the friends and myself, sometimes within their coupled relationships, sometimes internally on an individual level.  Juesance pointed out that an invitation to a party of this nature has the ability to stir up a whole lot of emotions that are unexpected.  And here I am with a big old kettle and wooden spoon, ready to spank someone with it!  heh.  

I have learned a lot from the last few weeks from the reactions and conversations with my friends.  I have learned that I have made substantial progress in my desires to be more sexually expressive.  I am more confident in expressing my kinky interests and playing in public.  I have tried to learn to be encouraging and not judgmental about other people's kinks and sexuality and body image issues, without being overly pushy or pressure inducing.  I have learned that when others talk with me about my kinks and sexuality, it might get them thinking about their own, or might start a conversation between them and their partners, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing, but it is their thing. I may have been a catalyst of thought or discussion, but I am not necessarily involved any further, with people who are not my own partners.

But even after some of the additional stress that this party has brought into my life unexpectedly, I don't regret it at all. Of course, the party hasn't happened yet, but I truly believe that the issues that have already happened were because of the anticipation, and once the party starts and the initial discomfort wears off, my friends will have a great time.  The plan is to relax, talk and laugh together, with the opportunity for curious people to try some fun stuff that feels good (or hot or ouchy or tickly or weird!).  

I am very excited to dive into tonight!

Squirty Girl

I definitely, unquestionably, seriously had a squirting orgasm last night.  I have suspected that I have this ability and there have been many times where I thought I probably did squirt, but it was a little unsure.  I have gotten very, very wet and felt like I was dribbling a bit, but this was different.  This was clearly a sudden burst and gush of liquid projecting itself from my pussy during an uncontrollable orgasm. It was a feeling of "what the fucking hell is going on between my legs?" moment, but I didn't say that because I couldn't speak or move or do anything on my own, it felt like it was just happening and it wasn't going to stop!  There was a big wet puddle that soaked through two layers of sheets and left my head spinning and my legs feeling like jelly.

It's funny because I have been reading about techniques and tips for squirting and I have thought about it and tried it with little success.  Little dribbles, at the most.  But last night it wasn't even on my mind.  It was at the end of a very hot and sexy play session with Wolfe and I was pretty much done.  Or so I thought.  We were laying together and I was recalling all the hot things we had just done, and I was having a nice series of rumbly aftershocks and spontaneous orgasms from the memories and thoughts of the past hour.  During a nice rumbly part, he suddenly spread my legs and headed right to my Gspot.  He has this seriously superhuman ability to move his hands hard and fast like a vibrator, and he got just the right spot at the right time, I guess, and the wave of liquid exploded right out.

And I had heard about this but never experienced it... it had a distinctive flavor.  Wolfe lifted his fingers to my mouth for me to taste it, which I really like to do at any time because tasting myself on another is a very sexy, sensual, sharing experience.  This tasted sweet, almost like watery honey, which is something I have never tasted before from my body.

I am very excited that I know my body is capable of this as I have a couple of partners who find this really hot, which is a bonus in addition to me finding it hot myself and also WOW that felt amazing!  Clearly, the key is to not work so hard to try to squirt and to be relaxed enough to allow it to happen if it is going to happen.  It would be awesome if it happened again though!

Pi Day

Today is 3/14, also known as Pi Day. It is a day celebrating that infinite, endless series of numbers.  But for me it represents something much more.  My divorce was finalized on 3/13 three years ago.  The next day, I woke up to Pi Day and thoughts about infinity and forever. "Forever" was a theme in my marriage that I always struggled with... this idea of neverending love, for always.  While I do believe that true, lifelong love is possible, I don't believe it is possible without accepting and even encouraging change and flexibility.  That was certainly not a part of the "for always" that was in our wedding vows, and that is one of the many reasons I am no longer married. The annual celebration of this day helps remind me that the only thing I want to accept as infinite in human nature is our need and desire to change and grow. Pi Day has come to represent the day I started a new journey, embraced my eternally changing and evolving nature, and freed myself from the things that held me back for too many years of my life.

What better way to celebrate the infinite possibilities of life than a photo shoot with a delicious miniature fruit filled pastry?

Domly Dom

Once I realized and admitted to myself that I have an intense interest in exploring BDSM, I began the challenging search for someone new to play with. While I had a play partner in Modu, the physical distance between us became too great and we did not seem to be able to coordinate to get together at the time when I was most wanting to explore.  So I began the task of finding a dominant partner who lived closer to me. In my search to figure out what it means to me to be submissive, I have also had to figure out what appeals to me about someone who is dominant.

I started an account on FetLife and started going to munches and classes. I met all sorts of domly and subby types, from the 24/7 master/slaves to sadists and masochists. I would listen and watch interactions of these different types of people and would later try to work some of those people (or at least their personalities) into my own fantasies. It was like trying on clothes, but instead it was trying out different BDSM roles. Most of them didn't fit me at all. There were times that I felt pretty frustrated. Fortunately, during that time, I found other things... new friends, new fetishes, and new lovers who are interested in various kinky things (but new to it like me). I was still trying to understand and find that dominant person who could meet the needs I had but couldn't even describe.

I evaluated and reevaluated. I started writing this blog. I signed up to go to a play party and introduced myself online before the party to the people who were also going. Meanwhile, my frustration subsided as I began to think that I was looking for something a bit unconventional, as nothing I saw really resonated with me. And while for some time I got a bit critical at myself for being so complicated, I began to realize that my complexities are what make me special, and I started to appreciate my needs and desires. I think I realized that every fetish, kink, and desire I can have will probably have a counterpart seeking related things. And I began to develop patience and respect for myself and my needs as I began to believe that I am worth a worthy compatible counterpart who will take the time to get to know me, strive to understand me, and challenge me.

Hedo (and his wife and friends) laugh that he is not the domliest of Doms. He is kind of goofy, very friendly and kind and flirty, and mostly wants to have fun. These are the things that attract me to him. But he does have dominant qualities that are perhaps less immediately visible, but that were very clear to me the first time I played with him, probably because I am seeking them. I sensed them when we were hanging out and when we played in public. And I really saw the Dom come out when we played privately.  I saw his sadistic streak and I felt his strength over me, which he did not seem afraid to use. I felt a firm, controlled hand with a desire for taking control of me and challenging my deepest desires. Our private play was still very experimental and we were a little careful in trying things out carefully, but it was very satisfying and rewarding.  We would play a bit, and talk and laugh and cuddle for a bit, then try something else.  It was tons of fun and I am eager to explore more.  I have also been fantasizing about more, going further in the Dom/sub dynamic with him, trying to figure out what that means to me and to him.

I am not such a subby sub, either, by the way.  I am fiercely independent, tend to default to doing things by myself and not needing or wanting help from anyone, even when I should ask for help.  I fight against society's and my own perceptions about being submissive and I get particularly self critical for it at times, but yet, it is a crucial part of my personality that seems to NEED to be fulfilled.  When I fight against it, I usually end up playing the brat, but when I give into it, I go to a very happy sub-space of complete peace and bliss.  

While I do not seek a 24/7 type D/s relationship, I am enjoying having something that goes beyond "just the bedroom" or play party.  There is an additional aspect to my dynamic with Hedo which is explored in a series of tasks and challenges. The tasks are often things that push my boundaries, challenge my fears and sensitivities (the ones that I have asked to be challenged).  These are personally fulfilling challenges, and while sometimes uncomfortable or embarrassing or difficult to think about, they are very positive.  I guess that is one thing that is surprising to me and others, that while I am the submissive in this relationship, it is not all about me getting beaten or humiliated or tortured.  It is about me building myself up and gaining confidence and esteem.  And I sometimes want to take that confidence and esteem to ask (beg) to be beaten or humiliated or tortured in some way.  This unconventional relationship is made of  a complex series of mentored challenges mixed with consensual exchanges of power that are sexually charged and the whole thing is endlessly fascinating and fulfilling to me, and I am very happy to be exploring it now with Hedo.

Subby Beginnings

 

I have been having a lot of deep conversations about BDSM with friends lately and a question that has come up twice in the last week is "how did i get into it or know I was submissive"? It was a question that I really had to stop and think about the first time I was asked and I had thought about it quite a bit when I was asked again. I have been able to narrow down to a few of the first moments when I felt something different, something that created a hunger in me that I have been seeking to fulfill since I felt it. I thought I should write about those first experiences.

I already wrote a bit about the first night I met Modu, when there was hair pulling and scratching and all sorts of new and exciting feelings. Nobody had ever really touched me that way, especially not a stranger... it was both a little rough and strange but also sensual. While I knew before I met him that he was kinky (and suspected that I might be curious about it myself) I wasn't really sure what that meant exactly. And I was in a period of pretty serious sexual self denial so I pretty vocally objected to admitting such a thing. That was just too scary and unknown, so it took an experience for me to understand what kink could mean for me.

On one of our first dates, Modu and I ended up kissing and canoodling on my couch together. It was very fun and hot, and for a while it was pretty vanilla, just like any other make out session on a first date. And then he started to play around with some light control. He told me to look him in the eyes, but it was so intense, I could barely do it. I blushed and squirmed and looked away, but he kept firmly telling me to look at him. After a while of me being reluctant to follow his demand, he grabbed my nipple and twisted, telling me again to look at him, which I did at that point! It was a new feeling, or a bunch of feelings, that I felt when responding to this slightly sadistic demand and action. It made me feel excited, embarrassed, a tiny bit scared, a little offended, and horny all at the same time.

I wanted to feel all of that again, so I purposely looked away after a while. And when he told me to look at him again, my inner brat came out! I playfully refused and pouted, making him twist even harder. I let him twist my nipple until I couldn't take the pain anymore and I had to look at him to make it stop. This became a fun game for the night and I think I realized that I could have nipplegasms that night for the first time.

By the end if the night, I asked him about what had happened and we agreed that we had played with a little bit of power exchange and control and that was indeed kinky. I think that was the start of my search and interest in domination/submission and I have been seeking moments like that for a few years now. It's an almost unexplainable blend of fear, excitement, reluctance, passion, loss of control, and strength that blends together, making it hard to explain. I am starting to be able to put words to it and to be able to verbalize what I am looking for more easily, which is allowing me to let my mind explore further, elaborating on my fantasies.

Thinking back WAY further than Modu, I remember buying a headboard for my ex-husband and I that had wonderful bars at the top.  I know I was hoping to be handcuffed or tied to those bars, but it never happened in my marriage.  Modu did the honors, actually (with the belt from his pants) without me telling him about those fantasies that had been pushed away for many years. And I remember my last boyfriend in high school using handcuffs on me and talking about a threesome with a girl, which were very exciting things to me, but we didn't get very far in our exploration together.  I think I have been hiding my interests in kink for many years, but now the interests are exploding forward as I have so many wonderful and open minded playmates who will share my deeply hidden fantasies with me!

Dirty Highlights

I have been feeling a little blue because of some misunderstandings and arguments with some of the closest people in my life lately, over things that should be fun, which is particularly sad for me. I am trying not to dwell on it, so I remembered a happy fun post I started here and figured I should come finish it up...

So one of my partners, not naming any fake names, wondered why I haven't posted many of my recent awesome real life experiences here on the blog.  Of course, he is a HUGE voyeur, so he loves to read those things, and I think he would especially love to read what I would write about him (not just all the emotional stuff about how he makes me crazy).  I don't know, some of those experiences I like to keep to myself, to hold them close to my breast for some reason.  Maybe it feels like bragging, because I gotta tell you, my love and sex life is pretty fucking awesome right now.  But I don't like to gloat.  Still, maybe some people would like to read a few tidbits anyway, so here are some recent highlights:

Damascus and I celebrated our third anniversary together recently! We enjoyed a night out and attended the Dirty Show, which is a cool art show with very sexy art! The opening of the show was filled with hot performances, burlesque, rope riggers, gogo girls in cages, and an exciting sexually charged atmosphere. We spent a couple of hours there and enjoyed it a lot. A couple of years ago, i think we both would have been uncomfortable, but it was great fun, which helps me realize how much we have both grown in the sexual comfort department, which is really great for our relationship. We were even inspired to take a few "dirty" photos of our own, and we have been doing more and more of that since the show. This also makes me happy since it has been one of my biggest hurdles in feeling comfortable seeing my body as a positive sexual force.

We seem to be doing very well navigating the emotional waters of having multiple relationships and partners.  There are ups and downs, and I sometimes struggle with balancing it all, but I think overall things are good and we are communicating as well as we can.

I spent time alone with Hedo for the first time recently!  After many long conversations over dinners, two public play parties, and countless messages and texts, we decided to spend time playing in private.  It took a lot of time building up that trust together, and it has been well worth it. I hope to write about this more later, as these thoughts could use their own post.

The foursome of Damascus, Thyia, Wolfe and I has been going very well! We have spent many hot nights together, including a special Valentines stay at a hotel with a hot tub and a long weekend at a spiritual Pagan-type convention. While the sexy time has been incredible and hot between all of us, we have grown closer in our relationships and I appreciate them helping me and Damascus getting back in touch with our spiritual sides. This is something that I have been lacking for a long time so it has been particularly good for me. I have been especially interested in aspects where kink, spirituality, and sexuality intersect.  Wolfe and I have been growing closer in particular and we have been exploring a little bit of dominant play in our sexy time.  Best of all, we all seem to really have a good time together and enjoy each others company.

I have had a few fun and flirty experiences with a couple of awesome girls who I haven't made pseudonyms for yet.  It's still very new and kind of complicated, but it is exciting and I am not sure where things might go and I am ok with that.  Sometimes I think too much.  Girls are soft and pretty. :)

Juesance and I had some great times together, followed by some not great times.  We worked things out and I am hoping the great times will continue again now!  We had one particularly hot afternoon where he used my long stripey kneesocks to tie my hands behind my back and torture me with an ice cube and his leather belt.  That was lots of fun!  I think he is exploring some of his more dominant traits and seems to delight in pulling my hair and spanking me and calling me the dirty and naughty sorts of things I like to hear.We seem to share a very charged and emotional dynamic together that pulls us together with a lot of passion.  Sometimes it makes us butt heads but I hope we will continue to understand each other and let the excitement and pleasure that we enjoy together win over the conflict.

That's the latest.  It took me a couple of weeks to write this, for some reason.  When I mentioned this to Prisma last night, she joked that it took so long because everytime I started writing, something even more awesome would happen.  It's kind of true.  Tomorrow there will be another play party and I am expecting most of my special people to be there!  This should be interesting...