Wednesday, April 11, 2012


 Ok, so last night's post came from some dark places.  I want to delete it in embarrassment, but this is my place to put this stuff, so it should stay.  The topics of conversation after class which induced some phobia inflicted panic mixed with my disappointment and sub drop, and I was quite a mess. I am feeling better this morning.  I am still a bit confused feeling but this is the perspective I have now:

Public kinky play is very new for me.  It's really only been three months.  And I have only had a few regular Dom-type partners and I have been very close with them and they have been very concerned about my mental and emotional state.  Jumping into playing with someone new that I don't have an emotional support base with may have been a little premature.  Sure, the lead up and actual play was incredibly fun, but I was not prepared for the emotional aftermath.  And I am in a weird place of not knowing this playmate well enough to seek care without feeling needy and clingy.  I don't regret it, and I did have a fucking amazing time.  I think I would even do it again, taking the emotional aftermath into effect, or being more upfront about my needs in the aftercare department. This kind of play is a risk and I am aware of that and I took that risk.  So maybe I am paying an emotional toll now.  I think I have learned to not discount how I might feel days later and the needs I will have then, even when the anticipation of playing are so strong and exciting, and I need to make that a part of my decision making with a new partner.  I have to look at the whole picture.

My long hours at home alone do not help my mental state and the seeds of self doubt start to bloom.  I am trying to hold strong to the sentiments of yesterday's post and be proud of myself and reassure myself that I am strong and good and things are ok. But lots of questions remain.  Lots.  I wrote most of these last night, and I will dump them here, as this is my space to do so:

It it all worth it? Do the extreme highs make up for the lows?Am I having these issues because I am new and inexperienced? Does it get better? Should I be more careful in playing with someone new where a D/s dynamic may arise, if I don't have an established relationship to deal with the emotional aftermath? How do I know when such a dynamic might arise? Would it help if I was just bottoming? Is that something I can even do, consciously? Will I ever be able to be playful and enjoy without all this heavy emotional stuff? When does aftercare become a burden? Am i too needy? Is it a submissive's sole responsibility to seek the care they need? Can I take steps to provide my own aftercare or what can I do to make the drop less painful? Why is my drop immediately followed by a sense of frenzy? Is there a danger of kink being drug-like? What is the difference between desire and need? Is pain a dangerous thing to fuck around with because of the endorphins that end up unsettling the emotions? Is the exchange of power a dangerous thing to fuck with because of the psychological impact? Again, is all this worth it? And if so, does it get better?

And I just got a message back from Mr. Toy, after poking him a bit by text message.  A few simple words calmed so many of the monsters in my head.  Questions still remain, but perhaps I can move forward feeling more at ease and reassured.

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