Monday, April 23, 2012


So it has been about three full days since my play party and I am doing quite well.  I had some worries about sub-drop, but I don't think that is going to happen.  I have been getting good rest and taking care of myself.  And even more importantly, Modu and I have talked at great length about the scene and I feel like I have fully processed it.  My marks are mostly gone, although my scalp is tender from all the hair pulling and I have a large Modu hand shaped bruise on my thigh.  Not many adverse effects for such an intense scene!

I think the talking has really helped.  Not only with him, but with some of my friends who were there.  He wrote a journal entry about it before even I did, which was very good to read.  It was a bit surreal to read about the experience from his eyes.  Maybe that's what my lovers and play partners feel when they read what I write about them here.  It was good for me though, especially since I think the thing I crave most in the days after a scene is the knowledge that the person I played with is also effected in some way, that it was a significant event for them too. It's that bit of reassurance that gets me through the tough droppy feelings, I think.

Now that I have recovered from and have processed this scene, I am thinking about the future regarding scenes like this.  I have no regrets and got what I asked for: a surprise attack, fear play, and giving up control.  I also wanted to have my limits pushed. I had a curiosity and craving for these things and Modu is the only person I trust enough to push me so hard right now. This scene was moving in the direction of consensual non-consent, which I am curious about. But I also think that this scene was a bit too violent for me to want to repeat. I don't think it's really the direction I am interested in pursuing. I think I need more of a sensual element mixed in with the aggression.  I like some variety in intensity, allowing me to catch my breath, and to play in sub-space, which was clearly missing, by his design. So I would keep this in mind when I negotiate in the future.

And now I am left to think about WHY any of these elements interest me. I have twinges of guilt and confusion about it... why would I ask for such violence, why do I crave to give up control to something that resembles assault? I don't really understand why I have the need to invite pain or why I desire and want to draw out the sadism in others and have it inflicted upon me. But I am am fortunate that I am getting to know people who also like these things and who ask these questions, so I don't feel as burdened by them as I once did, even though I still question all of it.  I think I will make a point to talk to more people at the kinky classes we go to about this subject, so I can start to understand it more.

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