Thursday, April 12, 2012

Lights in the Dark

 Thank you all for your support and love the last couple of days. Seriously, I am extremely touched that so many of you read what I write in this space and reach out to me when I sound like I am struggling. I love and appreciate you all.  You are like beacons of light when things get dark for me.

 I have been reading a lot of articles about Sub Drop and wow, most of them describe what I was going through perfectly.  Reading about the brain chemistry and adrenaline and endorphins and what can happen to the body and brain after an intense event  made me realize that while my thoughts and emotions may feel  irrational, what I am experiencing is a completely common and rational occurrence.  And fortunately, I was pretty aware that it was coming and knowing that is really helpful.  It felt a little like PMS, but with better warning patterns... I knew it could happen and to watch out for it.  Usually with PMS, I am caught off guard and don't associate my wild wave of emotions until it is done and I can reflect.  This was expected, I knew what was happening, and I tried to keep it contained.  Still sucks, but I don't think I have inflicted any damage or crazy onto anyone too badly.

I am still having some lingering effects and self doubt. I think the thing I am most insecure about right now is that the amount of thinking and processing and follow-up that I do is too high maintenance for everyone around me.  And I see other people who seem so much more free with what they do, without all the complications and heaviness.  And this is not just with kink.. it's with sex and love, too.  I see myself as too clingy and needy and overwrought with thought about all these issues.  And I have to keep reminding myself that this is who I am and not to compare myself with anyone, because for one thing, I don't know what they are really going through or what motivates them internally.  And for another thing, I am really not as bad as I seem to think I am.  I mean, it's not like people are turning me away or running in fear because I need to talk about my thoughts and feelings frequently.  Which again, is evidenced by so many of you awesome people who reach out to support me, proving my fears and insecurities wrong.  Those insecurities are just nagging little buggers, patterns from former versions of me that stubbornly resurface.  I really hope that in the practice of repetition and being aware of these things, they will diminish. I am still fun and happy most of the time, and I enjoy sexy and kinky times, I just like to talk and write about it a lot to process my thoughts.  That's sexy to some people (and I may be talking about YOU here!)

By the way, now I actually have a bit of PMS. So fun times... Sub Drop and PMS sammich. Good thing I am going to a fucking chocolate party in two days!  Gimmie chocolate!

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