Duality

Well, despite all my worrying, overthinking, and nervousness about the play party and playing with someone new, things went very well and I had a fucking fantastic time!  While I technically followed Hedo's challenge about not privately writing to my prospective playmate about the upcoming event, I maybe cheated a bit with other creative flirting and public conversations that happened on Fet Life on my wall that were flirty-like and negotiation building. But I am ok with that, and I am sure Hedo is ok with that too, as the main goal was to help me to get the thing I wanted: playing with this someone new. In this process, I learned a couple of things that seem a lot clearer to me now.

Part One: As much as I sometimes would like to be more vocal and outwardly flirtatious, I do just fine with what I do.  Prisma reminded me of this on our shared ride to the play party.  I was tearing myself down about how I didn't assert myself as physically as I would have liked in person, I wasn't the hot little flirty sex bunny that I envisioned.  She put it in perspective that whatever it was that I did, it looked like I was going to have a great time with a new play partner that night. So whatever it was I did or didn't do... I communicated my desires in a way that made things happen, and that is not a small task. While I might admire and envy some of the other girls that I see who are more flirtatious and forward and verbal in their desires, that just might just not be my style.  And even if I don't do those things that I think of as overly flirtatious, I am going to be attracted to and attract people who are interested in the way I DO flirt.  Even if that is all awkward and shy and coy or involves a lot of writing and creativity.  Those things might be hot to someone, in fact, I know they are, because introverted intelligence and quiet creativity are sexy to ME. I should try to be content with the skills and personality I do have instead of foolishly envying the things I don't have. 

I mean, so maybe I flirt by drawing dozens of pictures like these on a popular drawing game with the object of my affection...

 That's creative and fun and silly and THAT might be a huge turn on for someone. And isn't that the kind of person that I would want to be attracted to me?  Someone who likes these things about ME, not the someone I am trying too hard to be.

But really, come on... how else could you draw RABBIT? :)

Part Two: So all that talk before about wanting to "just bottom".... yeah, I think that was misguided.  I am still finding a fuzzy grey line between the differences between bottoming and subbing, and maybe there are middle grounds, but I am clearly interested in the Dom/sub dynamic.  It is fun for me to find it and draw it out during playtime.  It is the power exchange and fighting for control that I crave, and if I see an opportunity and feel safe and trust my partner, I seem to have ways of coaxing it out.  Being bratty, teasing, backtalk, resistance, and the simple yet effective *sticking out of the tongue*... these things work very well in poking at the Domly buttons.  And I totally did that with this new top Toy.  Our play felt like a mix of bottoming and subbing on my part and I really enjoyed it.  I think we tried a lot of different things, both toys and sensations, and attitudes and possibilities that might uncover a future dynamic of some sort.  I am curious if we will play again and what he thought of the experience.  Tonight, I again have the challenge of seeing him and person and trying to wrestle up the courage to talk about the party.  I prefaced tonight's meeting with my ever comfortable *hey, I wrote you a book about our experience as my aftercare!* email.  Heh.  But I am not going to feel bad about that... it is who I am and how I process, and if I have really learned from Part One, it is that there are things about me that I like and accept and do that are healthy and positive, and I don't want to change those things for the sake of trying to be something that I am not.  I want to always be evolving and growing, but the things I do that are a good part of ME are things that I need to stand behind and be proud of.