Thursday, April 5, 2012

Desires and Limits

I have been writing and revising this post for a few days now and decided to delete it and start fresh.  It was kind of redundant, as I have gone over a lot of the things I had written before, and it was taking me a long time to get to the whole point of the post.  Which is that I have become interested in potentially playing with some new partners, with more of an interest in bottoming rather than subbing.  I am happy with the D/s elements in the relationships I have at the moment, but there is room for me to play around with sensation and new play partners, especially at upcoming parties and events.  I would like to be able to feel more free to play with others that I am not SO emotionally/romantically/psychologically connected with.  It would be nice to just be spanked, flogged, whipped, or to explore other things that I am curious about.  Not that I object to another dominant force, I am just mostly looking for something a little more playful in a public sense.

As it happens though, the post I deleted is indicative of what I am going through on this new quest.  As I read and re-read it, it sounded like I was making a lot of justifications and using my best reasoning to try to convince myself that wanting to bottom and play is acceptable and warranted. I thought I was over this thing with the feeling guilty and shameful for wanting things and going after them, but it still lingers, I guess, and comes out when I seek something new.  It is not the sort of soul crushing guilt and shame that I dealt with in my early poly and kink journey, not nearly that intense.  But it is this thing that pokes and nips at me, making me overthink and write and become overly verbose and overly analytical.  And it also makes me overly shy and nervous which prevents me from the things I want as well.  But at least now I recognize it earlier and can take action to make changes.  It's not wrong to have desires, and when those desires are safe, sane, and consensual (both for myself and my relationship), there is really no reason for me to hold back anymore, is there?

So the guilt and shame monster reared it's ugly head head again this week(even though it is more mouse sized this time) and I became unable to speak up for my desires in person at one opportunity.  There are more opportunities, though.  My go-to resolution to the inability to speak with my voice was going to be to write, but Hedo stepped in and gave me a challenge to not use my writing to arrange for what I want.  Instead, I must wait and use my voice, in person, at the play party tomorrow.  Which is anxiety producing, of course, especially since I failed the other night, and since I can get much more accomplished in advance with writing, I worry that I will choke again at the party and I will miss out on some potential playtime that I can probably have if I just ask.  But he will be there to hold me accountable for these desires and will have some motivation and reward/punishment for me (and THAT is part of OUR play dynamic anyway, so I will not be missing out on some sort of playtime in any case...).  So I am stepping away from the more comfortable thing of writing and playing Hedo's game, which, really, is better for me in the long term from a personal growth perspective.

So I am not using this space to write about what I want.  But I think it is a good time for me to write about what I don't want, to keep it fresh in my mind and available for potential new play partners.  Thus is my current list of hard and soft limits:

My safeword is PURPLE! Caution/slow down word is yellow. I really don't want to use either of them except for in an emergency. I prefer to play with someone who learns my limits and knows how to properly push them without needing me to safeword out.

Hard Limits
No activity that would cause permanent injury or harm
No dead people, no former food, no bestiality, no children
No medical play/examination
No needles or puncturing
No blood play
No infant play or young girl/boy age play
No gunplay or other live weapons
No branding, scarification, tattoos, piercing
No heavy markings, especially in socially visible areas.
No mind altering substances during play
No choking/loss of consciousness
No smoking 

Consent is crucial: please do not bring non consenting players to our scene and make sure I consent to any additional players coming into our scene as well.

Health Concerns
Too much pressure or strain on my wrists.  I work with my hands for a living, I gotta keep them safe.

Soft Limits
No gagging or blindfolding during early scenes (especially with restraints) until we have learned to communicate properly and trust is established, then these things can be negotiated.

No complete public nudity. This may change over time or depending on the scene, but for now, its panties on (perhaps more) depending on my mood at the time. Negotiate beforehand.

No bare sexual contact (below the waist) or penetration of any sort until we have established a connection and have negotiated these things, especially in a public scene

Decorative Shibari-type ropework is something I reserve for my primary partner at this time. So doing pretty knots and rope corsets and rope suspensions should be avoided unless Damascus is present/assisting/learning. This is different than bondage or functional ropework... because sometimes a squirmy girl needs to be tied down with some rope, so that's ok to do! :)

I may be dizzy and disoriented and sleepy so help finding a place to relax after a scene is important. Water or a drink would be appreciated. A few minutes of snuggling would be welcomed, but may not be necessary. I tend to want aftercare the next day and/or the day after that in the form of email/text message/phone call to check up on me. When the high of the scene drops many hours later, I like some reconnection by communication as aftercare.

I tend to do self-aftercare by writing or talking a lot, usually a day or two after a scene. I will mostly likely write you a book of my thoughts about our experience, lol. I would like to be encouraged, or at least humored, in this area, as it is good for my own personal growth and understanding. I do not expect to be written back at the same level, although all communication is welcomed.

I am sure I have forgotten something or other.  But we will start with this.

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