I have been having a lot of deep conversations about BDSM with friends lately and a question that has come up twice in the last week is "how did i get into it or know I was submissive"? It was a question that I really had to stop and think about the first time I was asked and I had thought about it quite a bit when I was asked again. I have been able to narrow down to a few of the first moments when I felt something different, something that created a hunger in me that I have been seeking to fulfill since I felt it. I thought I should write about those first experiences.
I already wrote a bit about the first night I met Modu, when there was hair pulling and scratching and all sorts of new and exciting feelings. Nobody had ever really touched me that way, especially not a stranger... it was both a little rough and strange but also sensual. While I knew before I met him that he was kinky (and suspected that I might be curious about it myself) I wasn't really sure what that meant exactly. And I was in a period of pretty serious sexual self denial so I pretty vocally objected to admitting such a thing. That was just too scary and unknown, so it took an experience for me to understand what kink could mean for me.
On one of our first dates, Modu and I ended up kissing and canoodling on my couch together. It was very fun and hot, and for a while it was pretty vanilla, just like any other make out session on a first date. And then he started to play around with some light control. He told me to look him in the eyes, but it was so intense, I could barely do it. I blushed and squirmed and looked away, but he kept firmly telling me to look at him. After a while of me being reluctant to follow his demand, he grabbed my nipple and twisted, telling me again to look at him, which I did at that point! It was a new feeling, or a bunch of feelings, that I felt when responding to this slightly sadistic demand and action. It made me feel excited, embarrassed, a tiny bit scared, a little offended, and horny all at the same time.
I wanted to feel all of that again, so I purposely looked away after a while. And when he told me to look at him again, my inner brat came out! I playfully refused and pouted, making him twist even harder. I let him twist my nipple until I couldn't take the pain anymore and I had to look at him to make it stop. This became a fun game for the night and I think I realized that I could have nipplegasms that night for the first time.
By the end if the night, I asked him about what had happened and we agreed that we had played with a little bit of power exchange and control and that was indeed kinky. I think that was the start of my search and interest in domination/submission and I have been seeking moments like that for a few years now. It's an almost unexplainable blend of fear, excitement, reluctance, passion, loss of control, and strength that blends together, making it hard to explain. I am starting to be able to put words to it and to be able to verbalize what I am looking for more easily, which is allowing me to let my mind explore further, elaborating on my fantasies.
Thinking back WAY further than Modu, I remember buying a headboard for my ex-husband and I that had wonderful bars at the top. I know I was hoping to be handcuffed or tied to those bars, but it never happened in my marriage. Modu did the honors, actually (with the belt from his pants) without me telling him about those fantasies that had been pushed away for many years. And I remember my last boyfriend in high school using handcuffs on me and talking about a threesome with a girl, which were very exciting things to me, but we didn't get very far in our exploration together. I think I have been hiding my interests in kink for many years, but now the interests are exploding forward as I have so many wonderful and open minded playmates who will share my deeply hidden fantasies with me!