Once I realized and admitted to myself that I have an intense interest in exploring BDSM, I began the challenging search for someone new to play with. While I had a play partner in Modu, the physical distance between us became too great and we did not seem to be able to coordinate to get together at the time when I was most wanting to explore. So I began the task of finding a dominant partner who lived closer to me. In my search to figure out what it means to me to be submissive, I have also had to figure out what appeals to me about someone who is dominant.
I started an account on FetLife and started going to munches and classes. I met all sorts of domly and subby types, from the 24/7 master/slaves to sadists and masochists. I would listen and watch interactions of these different types of people and would later try to work some of those people (or at least their personalities) into my own fantasies. It was like trying on clothes, but instead it was trying out different BDSM roles. Most of them didn't fit me at all. There were times that I felt pretty frustrated. Fortunately, during that time, I found other things... new friends, new fetishes, and new lovers who are interested in various kinky things (but new to it like me). I was still trying to understand and find that dominant person who could meet the needs I had but couldn't even describe.
I evaluated and reevaluated. I started writing this blog. I signed up to go to a play party and introduced myself online before the party to the people who were also going. Meanwhile, my frustration subsided as I began to think that I was looking for something a bit unconventional, as nothing I saw really resonated with me. And while for some time I got a bit critical at myself for being so complicated, I began to realize that my complexities are what make me special, and I started to appreciate my needs and desires. I think I realized that every fetish, kink, and desire I can have will probably have a counterpart seeking related things. And I began to develop patience and respect for myself and my needs as I began to believe that I am worth a worthy compatible counterpart who will take the time to get to know me, strive to understand me, and challenge me.
Hedo (and his wife and friends) laugh that he is not the domliest of Doms. He is kind of goofy, very friendly and kind and flirty, and mostly wants to have fun. These are the things that attract me to him. But he does have dominant qualities that are perhaps less immediately visible, but that were very clear to me the first time I played with him, probably because I am seeking them. I sensed them when we were hanging out and when we played in public. And I really saw the Dom come out when we played privately. I saw his sadistic streak and I felt his strength over me, which he did not seem afraid to use. I felt a firm, controlled hand with a desire for taking control of me and challenging my deepest desires. Our private play was still very experimental and we were a little careful in trying things out carefully, but it was very satisfying and rewarding. We would play a bit, and talk and laugh and cuddle for a bit, then try something else. It was tons of fun and I am eager to explore more. I have also been fantasizing about more, going further in the Dom/sub dynamic with him, trying to figure out what that means to me and to him.
I am not such a subby sub, either, by the way. I am fiercely independent, tend to default to doing things by myself and not needing or wanting help from anyone, even when I should ask for help. I fight against society's and my own perceptions about being submissive and I get particularly self critical for it at times, but yet, it is a crucial part of my personality that seems to NEED to be fulfilled. When I fight against it, I usually end up playing the brat, but when I give into it, I go to a very happy sub-space of complete peace and bliss.
While I do not seek a 24/7 type D/s relationship, I am enjoying having something that goes beyond "just the bedroom" or play party. There is an additional aspect to my dynamic with Hedo which is explored in a series of tasks and challenges. The tasks are often things that push my boundaries, challenge my fears and sensitivities (the ones that I have asked to be challenged). These are personally fulfilling challenges, and while sometimes uncomfortable or embarrassing or difficult to think about, they are very positive. I guess that is one thing that is surprising to me and others, that while I am the submissive in this relationship, it is not all about me getting beaten or humiliated or tortured. It is about me building myself up and gaining confidence and esteem. And I sometimes want to take that confidence and esteem to ask (beg) to be beaten or humiliated or tortured in some way. This unconventional relationship is made of a complex series of mentored challenges mixed with consensual exchanges of power that are sexually charged and the whole thing is endlessly fascinating and fulfilling to me, and I am very happy to be exploring it now with Hedo.