Friday, January 20, 2012


So I have found myself in the peculiar position of approaching someone and talking with them about the possibility of playing with them in a Dom/sub relationship.  It is a strange thing, partially getting to know someone as a new friend, while considering him specifically as to how he might challenge me in the most personal and intimate of ways.  This process started weeks before the play party, when I noticed Hedo's profile on Fetlife as one of the potential attendees of this party.  At the time, I was seeking out party members and introducing myself, simply to become acquainted with a variety of people so I felt more comfortable at the party.  I introduced myself as new to the scene, and to play parties, and mentioned Damascus and our interests in meeting kinky folks for friendships.  Everyone was very friendly and polite and wrote back welcoming me and encouraging me, which was wonderful.  I had some ongoing conversations, while others fizzled out.  I spoke with dominant men and submissive girls, mostly, with a couple of dominant girls, too.  Of all the introductions, I found more of a connection with Hedo than anyone, and our conversations continued, and he often commented on my pictures and posts over the next few weeks.

When I met him at the party, I was pleased to find that we seemed comfortable chatting with each other.  He is kind of goofy, very chatty and flirty, and warm and attentive.  I watched him have fairly deep conversations with several people, including my two female friends that were at the party, which confirmed many of my impressions and vibes about him from out online conversations and this first meeting.

At one point, a good looking guy who was having a birthday was tied up in front of us, bare bottomed, and everyone was taking turns with birthday spankings.  Hedo told me that I should go and spank him.  I was dreadfuly embarrassed at the thought!  But he continued to encourage me.  "But, I am more of a submissive/ bottom type, I don't want to hit people!", I objected.  He suggested that a good Dom or sub should experience activity from the other side, as an important part of understanding what the other side does.  As I do enjoy getting spanked myself, I thought this was a pretty wise idea to see what it was like to spank someone, but I was still too embarrassed to stand up and do such a thing on my own.  He offered to go with me and spank him at the same time, and I agreed, finding that a very thoughtful act of encouragement.  So yeah, I totally spanked a hot guy on his bare ass... a complete stranger!  And it was fun and I appreciated the opportunity.  And the act confirmed what I already suspected... I am not so interested in the Dom/Top side.  At least not to men... not right now... but Hedo also taught me that it is best to be open minded about likes and dislikes with kink, because it often changes, so I am open to the thought and am glad I tried it.

I already wrote about the rest of my play party experience with Hedo on the blog before, so I won't repeat that here.  Since the night of the party, we have had more conversations, both online and in person.  We had a nice dinner one night, talking about life and relationships and sex for almost four hours.  It was a very friendly conversation, but sort of strange and swirling, as he would start to prod into territory that started to make me blush and uncomfortable... but not too far.  I think he was trying to coax me into giving him a little insight into what I am looking for, both in general with BDSM and kink, and with him in particular.  The conversations circled and made my head spin, but it was a fun game.  I think by close to the end, I had revealed in a somehow concrete way, that I am possibly interested in exploring such things with him.  At that point, he expressed interest in speaking with Damascus, as he wanted to be very clear that my partner was indeed ok with any further exploration.  I found that to be gentlemanly and respectful of my relationship, so I agreed to such a meeting in the future.

We walked to our cars, and there was a very light, friendly kiss and hug, along with some further suggestion and a clear temptation to pull my adorable pigtails.  Oh, so irresistible to dominant types!  It was a very good night!  I followed up with some messages that were a bit more assertive the next day.  It is so much easier for me to write about what I desire than to actually say it.  Of course, there was once a time that I couldn't even write these things... I am reminded of my progress and how much I have grown!  I wanted to try to be more clear about my interest, in case I confused him, as I could see that might be easy to read from me.

Damascus and I met Hedo for pizza and the conversation was comfortable and clear. While I am having the hardest time defining exactly the qualities and activities that I am looking for in a Dom-type play partner, Damascus and I have talked together about limitations and boundaries that we are comfortable with me exploring with someone, specifically Hedo, and I believe that trust element was established between the three of us. The point of the night was that while I may not be able to describe exactly what it is that I want, I can be clear about what is not acceptable in our relationship, and I should be trusted to express it and keep all communication open.

Damascus went home and Hedo and I went on to talk more over coffee.  Alas, the conversation again turned swirly and heady between us, churning into a confusing blend of ideas and images, with me too shy to be as forward as I want to be, and him being patient and perhaps a bit sadistic in forcing me to do the work to guide the conversation to the next level by dancing carefully around my boundaries.  At some points, I think I was able to cut through the confusion and make a few declarative statements that made him grin.  For example, when talking about sexual limitations, I think I made it seem that I didn't seek a sexual element at all, which was false. I stumbled around this subject quite a bit before I think I made it clear the sort of thing I had in mind when I had a moment of clarity and told him that I would like to masturbate in front of him.  Yes, that made him grin.  This is all very much like a game, I think, and he seems to delight in playing, and this process is like constructing the rules to the game.

We closed down the coffee shop after talking for a couple of hours, and he walked me to my car. I could tell he was plotting a challenge for me, one that I eagerly awaited.  He got into my passenger seat and challenged me to take off my top, wearing only my bra under my coat, for the drive home. I was to stop and attempt to make eye contact at each stoplight, to try to get someone to see me in this state, in my sexy red bra. I know that is probably very tame and ridiculous, as it would be barely noticeable on a dark and rainy night, under a big coat, but it was very challenging to me, in a way that I very much wanted, so I did it!  Sadly, I didn't get any lookers (as I mentioned the dark and rain and late night).  I even went the long way home. I did have a bit of a thrill when both a security car passed me at the coffee shop and I passed a police car on the ride home!  I debated stopping at a drive through, thinking that would be an extra thrill that would have shown my acceptance of this challenge, but I chickened out. 

This, and other challenges like it, are exactly the sort of thing I am seeking in this unusual sort of relationship.  When Hedo returns from his vacation next week, we are eager to get together again to explore more!  My challenge to myself over the next week is to become more specific about the types of things I would like to do with Hedo, to explore some of the Dom/sub fantasies that I have such a hard time imagining and verbalizing.  It is a tricky thing, as I am looking for someone to bring me these challenges and play with the boundaries of control.  But I have learned that it is my responsibility as the sub/bottom type to set these boundaries so that they can be played with.  It is a very exciting and delightfully scary time, and I am looking forward to more!

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