Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Insatiable Fears

While I think I am finally coming to terms with some of these newly experienced aspects about myself like my polyamorous nature and kinky tendencies, there are moments where I struggle still.  I think one of my greatest struggles about poly (once we take away the more superficial issues of guilt and shame that I have been fighting fairly successfully) is that it opens me up to thoughts of possibility, which can be awesome, but can also be terrifying.  My main fear is that I am insatiable. What if I am unable to be satisfied sexually, emotionally, and spiritually.  What if, upon examination, I discover that the many little needs and desires and curiosities that I have add up into a deep, unfulfillable pit of emptiness, which can never be filled?  Part of me sees this potential for emptiness and wants to stop examining it.  It is easier to want stop thinking about myself so much and turn away and hide into a more convenient life of normalcy.  That place may be numb and distant and empty too, but I wonder which emptiness is more tolerable for me... an unexplored emptiness that I can accept or an even more scary threat of emptiness that I can't possibly fill. No, the "normal" emptiness is probably not more tolerable. I have resided there for most of my life and that has been unhappy making. 

I suppose that that I should be strong and believe in myself enough to continue on this quest, believing that "the unexamined life is not worth living".  The last few years, and last few months in particular, have been a huge range of emotions, but isn't that better to live this life feeling it all, the good and the bad, and not just being numb and dead to all life has to offer? Even if I am continually seeking fulfillment without reaching it, perhaps it's good that I am thinking about it and exploring, even when it is confusing and painful.  The truth is, I am a complex person who does have many deep thoughts and needs and I am trying to self actualize, which is something that is not going to come easily, at least not without some practice and experience.

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