Thursday, September 15, 2011

Setting the Structure

photo source

I have been thinking lately about my recent interest in BDSM.  I have been reading as much as I can about it, trying to understand some of the more psychological aspects.  Given my complicated history with my sexuality, I know the attraction has got to be more than a sensory response.  While I do take pleasure in some of the painful stimuli I have experienced with my play partner (who I will call Modulator, or Modu for short) I find myself much more curious about the power exchange aspects of our times together.

When Modu and I started seeing one another, I was very confused by the power exchange.  While I think I always had curiosity about kink, this was my first partner with experience in it, and that attracted me to him immediately.  By the end of the night of our very first meeting, my hair was sore from being pulled and my back was full of scratches, and all of this had occurred very casually and naturally (and privately) in a room full of my friends.  Throughout our short time together, we experimented more, and I realized I was quite kinky and not as vanilla as I thought. I worked through my issues of my feminist beliefs clashing with giving up power to a man to dominate me. And I started to reconcile the past emotional abuse of my ex-husband, who used my sexuality to control me with shame and guilt, realizing that a consensual giving up of power and control was not the same as having it taken from you in an abusive way.

After seeing Modu for a few months, I met Damascus, who is my current boyfriend/partner.  We fell for each other and I closed all of the relationships I was having in order to figure out my feelings for Damascus.  We started to become more serious and have been together in a monogamous relationship for almost three years now!  We have come to a content and strong point in our relationship.  We communicate quite well, are kind to each other, support one another, and have great sex on top of it all!  He is younger and has a more active libido that I do, which I try to take advantage of as much as possible. He is also very curious about sex and is always looking to experiment.

When we first started seeing each other, I told him about my thoughts about open relationships and about my bisexuality and about my interest in kink.  He was accepting of my views on these things, but didn't know if he would be able to incorporate them into a relationship with me.  I set those ideas aside for a while, wanting to focus on just the two of us and making us a strong couple, but I had always hoped to return to the possibility of playing with other people.  We have recently started experimenting, first with a gorgeous woman that we both adore, and now we are working on adding some kinky play with Modu back into my life.  While these changes have been an emotional roller coaster in many ways, I am feeling more loved, happier, and more free that I have ever felt.  I am beginning to believe that BDSM can be a form of therapy for me, something cathartic that can help me through my brokenness.

Two weeks later:  Ok, the above is one of several "first posts" here on the blog and was getting a lot of thoughts out, but wasn't ready to publish yet.  Then I lost power at my house for several days, then I had to catch up, and here we are two weeks later from the post I just wrote. So much has happened since then!  But I decided to go ahead and post this scattered history, just to get the first real post out.  I had some real breakthroughs with Modu, in our first playtime that was just the two of us (first time while I have been in a relationship, that is).  And I am happy with the way Damascus is handling this difficult big step into open relationships. I am also realizing that he may have some kinks of his own that we can enjoy very much together, and I hope to grow stronger and more confident to be able to share this with him.  We are attending our first "Munch" tonight with two of our sexiest friends.  I hope to meet some like minded people. Things feel very good and less confusing than they did a couple of weeks ago.  Big Deep Breath... there it is, the first post. :)

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