Friday, September 30, 2011

Learning Curves

I had a dream about Prisma last night.  Unfortunately, it was not one of the hot, steamy, sexy kinds of dreams, although I have had those about her too.  Prisma is a very cute, smart, and very hot girl that Damascus and I have huge crushes on.  We even somehow had the good fortune of sharing some fun, casual, sexy time with her.  I am still not sure how that happened, but it was amazing. It was... until I think I broke it with an emotional outburst and misunderstanding. I am pretty sure I broke it.  Fortunately, it seems to have not effected our friendships, which gives me relief, but I have been pretty hard on myself for letting my emotions get to me and causing things to get weird.

Anyway, in my dream, Prisma came to a party of all of our friends.  As in real life when she enters a room, the mood of the room lifts and everyone is a little more excited.  Including myself.  In the dream, also like in real life, I tried desperately to keep up with the general conversation, failing frequently in volume and humor, but succeeding wildly in awkwardness. At some point she mentioned she was hungry, and I set out on what became a giant obstacle-filled adventure to obtain food for her.  The adventure involved a yard full of men grilling meat (which I don't eat much) and a painful exchange with my boss from 10 years ago who used to tease me about my vegetarianism at the time.  I don't know what all the meat imagery was about, probably to contrast masculinity with femininity or something.  Anyway, I don't think I ever got the food to her.  And in the time I took to find it, I am sure someone else brought her some dinner.  Hell, she is a resourceful and independent person, she probably found it herself.  And probably wasn't expecting me to seek out nourishment for her in the first place.

In fact, in the dream, Prisma never even asked me to help or serve her, I took it upon myself, in what was probably a desperate act to be liked or to get some attention.  At least that was the revelation I came to when I woke up.  I was also strangely hungry for a hamburger.

This dream got me thinking about my relationships with women.  My friendships with girls have always been difficult. Grade school, junior high, and high school were filled with drama filled relations with girls.  I always struggled with same sex friendships. And yet, I was also attracted to women from pretty early on in my sexual development.  I told one boyfriend late in high school, who clearly approved.  Then I went to college and met my ex-husband, and I kept my bi-curiosity a secret for 17 years, because I knew he would not approve.  I lived with it in my head, though, knowing that my fantasies were my own.  By the time we split up, I was pretty comfortable with my attraction to women.  The new change would become the fact that I could actually pursue it as a single person.  And I did!

Exploring my new found bisexuality as a thirty-something for the first time has been exciting!  At first, considering all those years of wondering what it would be like to kiss, touch, and have sex with a girl... part of me worried that if I ever did get to have the experience, it wouldn't live up to what I made it in my mind.  To my happy surprise, it was even better!  And I have had a few amazing women share it with me. And even though I am in a relationship with a man, I still think about women and crave sex with women.  Happily, he approves of this and shares my fantasies with me, and has even helped to make them a reality, like in the case with Prisma.

But the thing that I didn't expect was the emotional turmoil that I would experience with these new, more intimate relationships with women.  All my relationships were with men in the past, and I feel like I have a lot of experience with the problems and joys that I have had with my relationships with men.  But with women, it's like a whole new experience, one that I have been fumbling through pretty awkwardly.  I have experienced emotional highs and lows that I have never felt with men.  Unexpected situations and misunderstandings that I didn't expect, arising from both myself and my various female partners, which have surprised me with major confusion and heartbreak on several occasions.

And this shouldn't surprise me or bother me as much as it does. As usual, I should cut myself a fucking break. After all, it is a completely new relationship experience for me. In the larger picture of my life so far, I have only very recently given myself the freedom to flirt with, date, or play with women.  It makes sense that I am stumbling about like a teenage heterosexual boy who is discovering girls for the first time.  And just the way I struggled with dating men for the first time, decades ago, I should allow myself some freedom to fail in this new path of sexual discovery.  So, I am working on being hopeful, and being as proud as I can that I have not caused so much chaos and turmoil as to have broken the friendships I have had with the women I have been intimate with.  It's a learning curve, after all.

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