It has been a week since my first "date night" alone with Modu (since being in a relationship with Damascus) which I think is enough time for me to have processed and responded to the experience. I had received permission from Damascus the week before... he told me he would be comfortable with it and we laid down some more ground rules. I arranged with Modu for a night where we could have some privacy. I was nervously excited, but I was afraid that something would go wrong and it wouldn't happen. I resigned myself to not backing out because I felt too greedy or selfish. I took the whole evening off and did some shopping and had a nice dinner when I got to his city, which is about an hour and a half away. The travel time proved to be a very good time for me to have time to myself to think. By the day of the date, when I was sure it was going to happen, I resolved not to think negative thoughts about it and to enjoy the butterflies and the nervousness that I was feeling. I was giggly and blushy and silly feeling, and I checked in with Damascus a few times to make sure he was doing ok, but I wanted very much to enjoy the evening.
And I did enjoy the evening. We played with some new ideas we had been discussing, like role playing, and spent some time figuring out our boundaries. We stopped a few times to discuss things and played some more. There was no sexual contact between the two of us (that is part of the agreement) but I experienced much pleasure. I am constantly surprised at the things that bring me to orgasm, and I think Modu likes the challenge of finding those things... the less conventional, the better. Some of the things we did were psychologically intense, guided by me to be emotionally healing, and I think it was very successful. That deserves a whole post of its own someday. I left feeling very satisfied, in every way, and relaxed and at peace. The long drive home was spent singing loudly to music that makes me happy, and I came home to Damascus in my bed, who welcomed me with snuggles and an open ear. And later, a hard cock. :)
For the next week, I felt that same relaxed happiness, and it seemed to spread everywhere. People complimented me more and said I looked happy and glowing. I think I was radiating happiness and contentment and I felt pretty shiny. I think Damascus felt a little blue the next day and said he felt envious that he and I don't have the same sort of experience together. I tried to reassure him that what I have with him is even more special, and I truly mean it. I think such feelings of envy are pretty normal, and I am glad he was able to express them in a thoughtful way. I am making it a point to let him know how special he is and to reassure him more. It's hard for me sometimes, when I have so much going on in my life, but it is important.
I think the thing I learned most is that this relationship situation is what I have been seeking for quite some time. I feel happy and content in this place. I feel like I am challenging myself and am growing. I am being ethical and communicative and working on getting my needs and desires met. This is a new feeling for me, and it warms my heart to think that I am taking care of myself, finally.